Longing for Simplicity

V Day and Lesson of Love

2012-02-16T11:17:00.007-05:00

Valentine's Day brought snow flurries, pink flowers and sugar cookies drenched in thick red frosting. Trinity and I were invited to a cookie decorating party so we left the fellas for a bit and enjoyed some girl time. She was very excited for the opportunity to wear her new pink skirt and wrap beads about her neck - the girl knows how to dress. Complete with leggings and cheetah boots...she was killer - in a subtle relaxed way (she learns from the best hahah). I'm immensely enjoying watching my four year old and her fashion sense....
I drank coffee and tried to stay away from Trinity and her goopy mess of a cookie - she thought it was lovely so I guess that's all that's important. I did,however, have a type of *awake nightmare* thinking about Trin's blood stream being invaded by food dye and refined sugar.I took another sip of coffee, steadied my thoughts and smiled at my little squirrel piling on enough sprinkles to last her all winter. "Good job baby " I said....."maybe we could just eat one cookie today?" She smiled and said "yah, cause we don't want to eat tooooo much sugar mom." Ahhh, be still my beating heart.
Trinity longs for little girl friends. She gets extremely lonely on a daily basis, and I totally understand. I still remember when I was little, crying under my covers because I felt so very alone. I had lots of dolls and books and good things, but I always wanted a little girl to play with - someone who "got" me. I think I'm still that way. No, I know I'm still that way. Everyone needs someone.
Beautiful soft faced little girls...there's nothing more lovely then innocent little children. They are so honest, so raw and so feeling. I love that. Sometimes I look at group pictures like this and I'm so COMPLETELY reminded that Trinity is growing up so quickly, and before I know it she'll be in a black and white photo of her and her teenage friends. Time goes by too quickly.
At our house I tried to be festive without spending oodles of cash. I made eggs in a nest and just cut the "hole" out with a heart shaped cookie cutter. This, paired with some strawberries and pink tulips was perfect. Brady had a blast at school and was so excited when he came home with his "glitter box" full of cards and pencils and candy from all his little classmates.
Today it's raining and I'm thankful for the bit of pink that's still left on the table...and for the piece of chocolate thats waiting for me. The last couple of days have been a little hard for me...hormones don't you know. I'm having a few relationship problems (not with Zac for all of you curious cats) and that has been hard on my heart. It's hard finding out that something about you, without wanting to or thinking that you have, has hurt someone very dear to you. It's then equally as hard not to become defensive, but to instead claim that no matter what your intent was or what you were trying to do....you didn't accomplish. What is ALWAYS important, is how the other person feels...how you made them feel. This is love....unconditional love to just say "I'm sorry that I hurt you, it wasn't my intent at all and I love you and I will try to do better and to support you the way you need." And then in the end, because your love for each other is so strong, you move past it because you want the person - but the emotional strain of the situation is still hard. Even after things are "settled" and hashed out, it's hard to recuperate from such an emotionally charged situation. So today, I'm still kind of "in the middle of it" with myself.

But, there are things to look forward to today, and I'm thankful for honesty and for effort. Relationships of all kind take those two things....and forgiveness. So, I'm going to go have my second cup of coffee, make a bowl of soup...and try to let it go now and move on. It's hard for me to *move one* when it's raining - here's hoping for a sunny walk sometime soon.

Fever...And a New "Cure All"

2012-02-11T06:58:00.006-05:00

The best thing in the world happened yesterday - my son got sent home from school with a fever. I'll get to that story in a minute.

Another best thing happened too...Brady's old marble run...his Christmas gift from his third Christmas, is finally in use. I was so proud of myself that year, locating a hand crafted marble run from Lancaster Pennsylvania...made by an Amish man. It's beautiful and came with all of the shiny quarter size marbles. I remember barely being able to keep the gift a secret for the two months leading up till Christmas...I imagined him sitting there playing for hours and being mesmerized by the click clacking of the marbles, I thought about us putting too of the shiny glass balls next to each other and racing them. This didn't happen. He opened the gift, and was not enchanted. He was more "ho hum" and very taken with the M&Ms in his stocking.

It has sat on his shelf collecting dust these last 3 years until yesterday. Trinity got it down and played with it for a bit...and then Tristan had his turn. We didn't see much of him for the next three hours - it was like only having two kids for a bit. Just the baby and Trin and the sound of the marbles sliding down the run over and over again. Tristan lost all track of time, skipped his normal snack - and had two accidents. Yes....apparently he forgets how to properly empty his bladder when he's deep in thought.

Back to my fever story. Zac woke up in the wee hours of the morning on Friday, chilled and with fever...his cough hacking away. I would like to add here that we decided together to go ahead and get some medicine for us to take Thursday since this cough wasn't going away and we weren't getting any sleep at night between us coughing and the kids. I didn't buy the kids anything...just kept up with honey and apple cider vinegar and that would calm it down for them.

Even though Zac had been taking these "pills" for a full day, he got a fever and his cough was still there and all of the congestion. Friday morning I put Brady on the bus, went into the house on my 5 hours of sleep and started up the baked oatmeal and my game of "nurse." Then the phone call came from Brady's school nurse "Mrs Corley, I have your son Brayden here. He's not feelin' too well, has a pretty high fever of 102.9." I was of course concerned but I don't think I was as concerned as the nurse...should that make me feel bad? I did feel bad though that we spread our germs around...but i didn't know that he had a fever and if I was to keep him out for a cough - well, he would have missed 2 weeks of school.

She advised me to take him to the doctor because a fever that high definitely usually means infection. I thanked her and took my little weak and rosy boy's hand and stopped at the pharmacy. I stared at all of the syrups and pills...read the backs of them. I went in there to see if they by chance had any elderberry syrup but the pharmacist didn't' know what I was talking about. I almost bought a box of children's mucinex but just couldn't bring myself to do it. The back read "for temporary relief." I didn't want temporary...i wanted them to be healed.

I gave Brady a warm bath and sprinkled in some ginger powder (regulates body temperature) and started googling to see if there was any place in our little town that would have some more natural herbs and elixirs. And by jove, I found one.

To make a very long story as short as possible, I drove there...met the owner and we talked for almost an hour. He directed me to several things, I salivated over about 100 things...and I will be a regular customer forever/ as long as I'm here. I think this was the first time in my adult life that I actually FELT that a small locally owned business was better for me as a person. Like, I actually got help that I wouldn't have gotten at Wal Mart or CVS.

For instance, the baby had run out of his Hylands teething tablets. I asked if he had any and he said that he didn't but that he had the ones for Colic and they have the same primary ingredients so would do the same for Finn. Huh...didn't know that. I took a bottle. We talked about Aspergers and he was telling me some of the benefits of the Omega 3 family for behavior...he took a bottle out of the refrigerator section and just gave it to me. An entire bottle...said "here, just take it." Then he showed me to the colloidal silver....I've always wanted a bottle but didn't know exactly how to use it. He told me it was for everything...fever, spray it on cuts or burns, put it in your ear for earache - he said he never left home without it. I took a bottle. And two bottles of elderberry syrup - and I left with a lot less money but a lot of help. Oh...and a free bottle of flax oil, he gave me a rather hefty sample of wheat grass and a vanilla protein drink for Brady. AND on top of all of that he is going to research for me a little bit about how to make my own infant formula and call me. Now that's what I call customer service mixed with generosity - he has an 11 year old son who has never been to the doctor...ever. I was most impressed with this gentleman ... to say the very least.

I forgot to mention, before my novel about the herb store..the baked oatmeal was delicious. I added frozen blueberries to it this time instead of crasisins and the kids vacuumed it up. I was walking past the table and took a double glance...and found Tristan going "all natural" at the table. "Holy Moses Tristan, where are your pants?" He just looked at me nonchalantly, the question obviously didn't register - he kept eating. I walked into the bedroom with my load of laundry and saw his marble run enjoying a break from his 2.5 year old friend and remembered that during Tristan's last accident...2 hours before..I had obviously forgotten to replace his dirty undies with some clean ones. Seems he isn't the only one to lose track of time when he's excited about something - I made a mental note to vinegar down all of the dining room chairs later.
I let Brady's fever run it's course last night. It was bit unnerving for me after being told by a nurse that his fever is high...and I remember calling the Pediatrician years ago when Brady had a fever and them telling me that if it gets over 101 I should definitely bring him in. I opened the collidial silver and sprayed it in everyone's mouth. I started giving elderberry syrup to the kids and Zac and gave all of my littles Hyland vitamin C tabs. Brady's fever at one point, while he was sleeping, spiked to 104. I started having a lot of self doubt. My gut told me that this is natural and that his body did indeed have an infection, so everything was just being "wrestled out" on the inside. My heart however was feeling fear. I just prayed - asked God to help me make good decisions, and kept going. I applied a cool cloth to his forehead, made him as comfortable as possible...more colloidal silver...more water, and let him rest. I looked up a little more on the internet about fevers and the general advice was .... if you want your kid to be sick for a long time, then make them comfortable and give tylenol. If you want them to get better fast, but maybe have a sleepless night - let them have the fever.

Trin was complaining about her ear hurting. She complains very loudly I would like to add here...it is the biggest test of my patience. She cries and cries and cries - until I tell her that I'm so sorry that she's hurting but she needs to have time to herself if she can't calm down. And I leave her in her room on her bed - I know, heartless little mama. OH, I poured colloidal silver and coconut oil in her ear. Ever seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding? The father on their thinks that Windex is the cure for everything...sprays it on everything from acne to cuts..uses it to dust. That's gonna be my relationship with my little blue bottle of silver.
It's 6:30 am and I heard a noise in Brady's room. I felt a little panic go through my body because I hadn't checked on him all night....I thought he would wake up and that that would wake me up...I rushed to his room expecting to see a frail little boy gasping for water.

No, instead there he was on the floor, all pink and bright eyed ...drawing a valentines for his sister. His fever is totally gone, and his nose isn't even running. It's like the day before didn't even happen. I went to Trin's room and she was already playing. She smiled at me and said "Good morning mom. Guess what? My ear doesn't hurt at ALL." Ah, maybe we'll start getting a little relief around here. "Good sweetie" I said "looks like you get to go to your valentine's party after all."
Let me tell you, I have been making valentines for Brady's class for Tuesday - 24 of them. When it was suggested to me that he was really sick I almost cried thinking of him missing that special day next week...and a little selfish too because I have spent quite a bit of time writing and coloring and coming up with phrases like "You're a special friend" and "You're Beautifully and Wonderfully Made" (okay.....so I didn't come up with them but still...)

So, once again another successful learning experience. Another day of little gifts from God....in the midst of sickness and tiredness He gave me a crazy excitement over things that HE created that heal. I found support from a stranger, a new place to ask questions...a successful baked oatmeal, a new toy for Tristan, and he got a little unexpected "free time" of sorts. Everyone needs a little "air" from time to time...but you didn't hear that from me.

Good Things

2012-02-03T13:41:00.008-05:00

If you've never shopped Etsy...you really must. It's an online mall of sorts...much like ebay...but it's full of shops where you can buy handmade. There is something there for all budgets...and I'm a big fan of supporting the "little man." All of the items are so unique...products you won't be able to find in stores. Plus, seems like whenever I order anything...it always gets to me right when I need it.

Last night for instance....puke fest at our house. Sorry for the graphic terminology...but any other word just wouldn't do the experience justice. Trinity and Tristan both got food poisoning from some Stoneyfield farm yogurt that I bought. From 9 pm until 3 am Zac and I were stripping beds, washing kid's hair....over and over and over again. Needless to say, I'm thinking our littles may never want another blueberry yogurt again...and me either.

I needed some cheering up....and low and behold...i opened my mailbox to find a sweet little package that I had forgotten was even coming. Isn't it genius that they packaged my necklace in an altoid tin? Cute and resourceful...and protective. Genius.
And then when you open it up...there it is...in all of it's vintage goodness...with pinks and blues and sparkle. Check out the little owner's blog here - there should be a link on her page for her etsy shop.
Hmmmm...suits me don't you think? Definitely a little piece of lovely that this tired girl needed to brighten my outlook on life...today.
Another piece of lovely....more sunny weather and playtime in the yard with daddy. Brady is on a "Captain Jack Sparrow" kick, therefore we're hearing about all things pirate. Zac and the kids enjoyed a little sword fighting in the yard (via sticks) and then they looked for lost bounty (that came in a shoebox...I believe they discovered pretzels?)
And finally....a perfect shot of my Koala...with his cheeks rosy and his smile perfect and mischievous. He's one of my very favorites.
And captain Jack Sparrow himself, freckled and blue eyed. Don't ya just want to kiss his sweet cheeks?!

And for those of you who were wondering...I had a great meeting today with his sweet homeroom teacher and his special ed teacher. They were very encouraging and told me about all of the good they see in Brady...and how much he has been improving. Ahhhh...balm for this worried little mama's soul. I think they are going to try and include him in a small group a couple times a week with the focus being on social skills. Anyways, good things happening for this little pirate.
“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.

"Pooh?" he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand.

"I just wanted to be sure of you.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

February

2012-02-02T16:09:00.007-05:00

The first day of February brought a storm...a very long drawn out rain that lasted and lasted and I thought our front yard would become a swimming pool. Then today, out pops the sun and it's a high of 65...glorious.

I December I started thinking about the year 2012, and how I slowly wanted to implement one or two changes to my lifestyle every month. January I began my journey of giving up meat...trying new things from the produce department, and juicing on a regular basis. I also had my two day juice detox that made me feel great. One nice little side effect is that I lost 5 pounds (that wasn't a goal mind you) but many of my stretch marks went away and my skin has seemed to tighten even without constant exercise.

I also started taking vitamins and made the choice to start cutting out some of the "noise" in my life. I'm not consuming alcohol on a weekly basis and I'm drinking less coffee. All of these changes have really helped my outlook on life...I actually feel healthy.
Now for February. My basic goals for this month is to start jogging and to add wheat grass to my diet. I tend to not eat very much green so this is a great way and an easy to way to get that extra bit of nutrients that my body is lacking. I splurged on these running shoes in December...kept them in my closet in their box so I could bring them out in February. Today I went for a two mile run and it felt great although my lungs were burning! And there ya go...I won't bore you good people any longer with my road to health...
As for our household, we have definitely gotten into more of a rhythm with Brady now being in school on a regular basis. December he only had 2 weeks, so January was his first full month. He is enjoying it immensely - he makes sure to tell me all of the kid's birthdays in his class and what number they are in line..I basically never find out what activities he did or what he's learning..just statistics. I have a meeting tomorrow with his teachers because I'm pretty discouraged with his progress socially. He get's notes home on a regular basis and I don't blame the teacher. She doesn't know anything about Aspergers except for what she has read...Brady is the first child on the spectrum that she has ever taught. The school has no real program for kid's like Brady except to meet with a special ed teacher for 30 minutes a day. I think this is okay for kindergarten but I really am praying for MORE for his first grade. If you think of it...please pray with us about that.
Two great things that have happened in just the past week is that I scored a major deal on some kids clothes at Gap. I got 17 articles of clothing for 70 dollars...so exciting.

Be still me beating heart...could that possibly be skulls and crossbones in a little boy's hoodie?...I think I drooled when I found this in a 3T for Tristan's winter wardrobe for this year (like in 9 months.) And for 5 bucks...simply can't be beat.
I splurged on this ruffled goodness for our squirrel...a whopping 7 dollars (just had to throw that in there to be impressive.) She has wanted a tutu forever and I have put away my sewing machine for now...this is skirt that has that tutu feel but will look so cute with leggings and a little T.
And last but not least..Trinity has inherited my shoes from my wedding. She loves dressing up so much and these puppies have been in my cedar chest for years....serving no purpose. She loves their sparkly goodness.

And last but not least...I got my wedding ring re sized and we had it picked up today! I'm married once again. It was a size 7....and we had to have it taken down to a 5.25 - they really wanted me to get it in a 5 but I was concerned about the summer coming and my hands swelling. It's so nice to have my sparkle back on my hand after a year and a half without.

So there ya have it.....what plans do you have for February?

The Man Has a Birthday

2012-02-01T10:56:00.006-05:00

The man in my life had a birthday. He turned, gulp....29. Sometimes I laugh thinking that we have already been married for 8 years, and we're not in our thirties yet - it thrills me to think that I still have SOOO Many years left to be with my soul mate. Happy Birthday to the dearest man ever....I love you so much...you're

1. kind

2.protective

3. faithful

4. hot as ... an oven (I don't care what they say...looks ARE important.) :)

5. playful

6. giving

7. a piece of art

8. my very best friend
We had cake early...and no...I didn't make this chocolate masterpiece. This is a Costco special..the "all American" chocolate cake....with chocolate frosting and chocolate shavings and just generally chocolate. I cut it in half and froze part of it so that our family didn't consume this all in one sitting.
We celebrated early since Brady was in school yesterday....we didn't want him to be all sugared up for his teachers. Then, last night, Zac and I were able to go out for a dinner and a movie (mission impossible 3 .)
Anyways, if you're going to cheat you might as well do it well...right?!

Beauty Everywhere

2012-01-29T19:32:00.000-05:00

I've been coloring...trying to get in tune with my creativity...the left side of my brain (I think?) Anyways, for all of you artists out there...please don't laugh at my *a-maturity.* (that's an Alyssa original.) I'm trying my best to start filtering out some of the noise in my life....spend a little more time relaxing and rejuvenating my spirit by other means than merely turning on the television....I think it's working. Isn't color just wonderful? It amazes me how taking a pen in hand and scribbling a design, then filling it in with blues and greens and a touch of purple...sometimes bold orange - I can see the ACTUAL picture in my mind...I can smell the flowers I'm coloring...I can feel the sun's warmth...I can even imagine the texture of the leaves. God gave us a precious gift when He gave us color.

Trin has found an entirely different way to relax. She has transported herself back in time...a time when there was no electricity, when boys and girls played with sticks and scraps of material for fun, when teens had their "coming out parties" and rolled their hair using white cloth .... she has become Beth, from Little Women. Yesterday she died a total of 6 times...once she laid in her bed for 2 hours straight...just now and then calling weakly "Jo, dear Jo...I'm going to die you know?" I would nod to her sadly "I know dear sweet Beth, what will I ever do without my best friend?" She just batted her eyelashes at me and said "I'll see you in heaven Jo...you and Marmy." Then she died...and immediately turned into Meg. She walked up to her pretend mother, tea kettle in hand and said "Marmy, Jo just died okay?" just as casually as one might say "today sure is cloudy." She takes death very....well.

Look at our early spring gift we found in the yard last week...buds! Not only buds, but bumble bees buzzing and bumbling about and gathering pollen already...this early. I wasn't even aware that bees were ALIVE in January...if I had the choice to die one month a year and then come back I would DEFINITELY choose January to be my dead month for sure. January is so cold...and I just don't think my body should be chilled after Christmas. Plus, there is the whole sugar high after Christmas...and crashing from it. Feeling exhausted from being indoors and making resolutions that are almost impossible to keep. However, if I was dead I would miss my anniversary and Zac's birthday and I would hate for him to celebrate alone....guess I'll just have to live - wouldn't want to miss my one chance to eat chocolate cake with a good excuse.

I know the kids are ready for the warm weather....Tristan runs to the door at every opportunity and says"Mama...open...outside?" I generally have to shake my head no and tell him it's raining, or that it's thirty degrees outside and windy - seems like a crime to tell your kids they can't play outside. He then thinks I'm being mean for no reason...and starts trying to put his shoes on himself in a "I'll show her who's going outside" fashion. Then he stands there, mumbling to himself..running his foot along the carpet...trying hard not to cry. I then of course cave - get his coat and say "Go ahead buddy...have fun out there...it's cold!" Then I kind of push him out the door....can't stand whining you know. I watch him from the window...his throwing rocks up in the air never gets old. About three long minutes later...I hear footsteps on the porch and watch the gold door knob twisting back and forth...his feeble attempt to let himself in. I open the door and he trudges past me "mama...it chilly cold." I welcome him back in.

We've been eating watermelon and lots of lemon - that's sure to help bring on the summer mood (notice how I just completely skipped over spring and went to summer?) I've even bought Trin's bathing suit (Lands End...free shipping...5 bucks thank you very much.) She's already planning her vacation to the beach and all of the things she will do and all of the oceans she will swim in and all the people she will see - ah these kids, so much imagination and they never seem to shut up X 4. It's good chatter though..it's fun listening to their head's spinning.
Meg comes to me this afternoon and says "Jo...look what I found...a mouse gun!" I looked at the twig in her hand....."where did you find that Meg?" I questioned. "Oh" she says in a very adult voice "it was in the woods...where the mouse shot Beth." Poor Beth just can't win...always seems to get the short end of the stick (no pun intended.)
I love my littles so much...I hope so badly that I will never in any ways squelch their creativity...try to make them who I want them to be - I pray that I will be a source of joy and support in their lives...I hope I can nurture them, teach them right from wrong - I pray that they will desire what is RIGHT not because of fear but because of accepting love from their perfect Heavenly Father.

Motherly love is not much use if it expresses itself only as a warm gush of emotion, delicately tinged with pink. It must also be strong, guiding and unselfish. The sweetly sung lullaby, the cool hand on the fevered brow, the Mother's Day smiles and flowers are only a small part of the picture. True mothers have to be made of steel to withstand the difficulties that are sure to beset their children.
- Rachel Billington

Sometimes it makes me so sad that my kids have to grow up in a world that is so dirty... so full of hatred and greed and selfishness. It makes me sad that Trin isn't always going to be Meg playing at death and thinking that's it's just a simple part of life that doesn't really hurt. But then I HAVE to remember that without our God I am selfish and greedy and hateful...and so are my sweet babies. They were born into an imperfect world, and although they (especially my little Finn who is so little and soft) seem perfect to me...the Bible says that "we all have fallen short." None of us are as clean and as pure as our Maker. But He reaches out to us anyways....He forgives us anyway and says "follow me" and "trust me." And then..when we do, there is a shelter for us...there is joy for us and life.
And the fun thing...the good thing...is that there is beauty. There are unexpected blossoms growing on trees, and watermelon in January, and vivid imagination - there are lemons and giggles and chocolate birthday cakes. It's the simple things.....

Tea Drops...Two Per Eye

2012-01-28T13:38:00.005-05:00

Monday afternoon Brady came home from school with his eye all red and bruised. When I asked him what happened he said that he poked his eye. That was easy to believe...so I went with it. The next morning his eye was still like that, but I didn't give it much thought. Brady often gets hurt and doesn't know how to communicate with me what happened....I just figured that he couldn't remember. He went to school....oops.

The next morning Trin woke up with her right eye a little pink and it had some goop in the corner. Oh dear me, could they possibly have....pink eye? I've never had it, so wasn't quite sure if it was that or allergies. After much internet research I realized that it probably was conjunctivitis - now I just had to figure out if it was viral or bacterial. Supposedly bacterial conjunctivitis can only be healed with antibiotics....meaning a trip to the pediatrician office.

Everything I read said that it was extremely contagious and it was very important to see your doctor. Now...since I don't actually have a doctor - I began experimenting. (I would like to add here that I'm not saying that you SHOULDN'T go to the doctor...or that doctor's don't know what they're talking about...or that I don't TRUST doctor's...I just didn't want to go.)
First I began washing the kids eyes with warm water (oh, the baby had gotten it now too) and then would use cotton balls soaked in warm sea salt water. I did this for a day and it seemed to be helping Brady's....but he was further along with his infection. I did a little more reading and started really doubting myself. Everything was saying that I needed antibiotic drops...which bothered me a lot. I try my very best to stay away from antibiotics...I believe that they change our body's immune chemistry. At the same time...I always have this sense of fear in me when I try to "self heal" - especially with my kids. I think it's because it's not the norm, and I'm scared that others will think that I'm taking risks..and what if I am? Maybe I'm lazy....just thinking of taking all four kids to a doctor's office makes me want to pull my hair out...and I'm not ready to have bald patches just yet.

Thursday night, after the kids were in bed...I finally came across a thread on the internet that showed a more holistic and natural approach. Many people were writing about how using castor oil...tea bags...colloidal silver and even aloe vera all helped them and completely cleared their eyes.
Needless to say, I jumped off of the couch and headed straight towards my fireplace mantel (I keep a potted aloe vera there)...I broke off a piece of aloe and headed into my kid's rooms. I dabbed aloe into each of their eyes while they were sleeping and headed back to the living room and asked God to please take this away. I asked Him if I was being prideful....was I avoiding the doctor's office because it wasn't something that "Alyssa does" or was it because I honestly don't think that there is a need? And, is it okay not to do something just because "Alyssa doesn't?" Zac says I think to much...he be right.

I made the decision that I would try things at home for the weekend and then if it wasn't cleared up by Monday...I would take the kids in. Everything I read said that regardless of what you do...it usually takes about 5 days to heal.

Friday morning, Brady's eyes were much better. Trin's were better.....but I wanted to do more. Tristan woke up with the goop..and the babies were semi clear. Friday afternoon I read that brewing strong black tea, and applying 2 drops per eye every 3 hours was extremely successful.
Well...I did it. I applied the drops to the kids every three hours or so, kept their eyes clean and had them wash their hands regularly. After one day of this Brady's eyes are now completely clear. Trin's eyes are no longer pink at all and don't itch...Tristan's eyes don't look pink and he just has a tiny bit of discharge...and the babies eyes are almost clear.

I love how God has made our earth perfectly...how He created plants to be used in so many ways. Take tea for instance....green tea for healing...strong black tea to wake you up....calming chamomile and peppermint to aid digestion. And now....tea for pink eye! Anyways, by Monday hopefully all the kids will be better...and you can bet your buns I've already started putting tea drops in my eyes....just to be safe.

Colorful

2012-01-27T19:18:00.007-05:00

I'm tired of it...all of it. I'm exhausted with the battle of making myself something wholesome, and watching my child night after night feast on quesadillas and apple slices. Any mother will understand - the whole "adult" food and "kid" food has become a nightmare.When Brayden was little, I enforced that he eat everything on his plate... that didn't always go over so hot. Let me rephrase....it NEVER went over. I tell the story often of a time he kept food in his mouth for three hours...me sitting next to him with my arms crossed...either I was going to win or he was. His bedtime came...and I finally succumbed and had him spit out his food, not wanting him to choke on it in his sleep. I know, I know...poor little boy - ignorant, heartless mom. I didn't know better at the time...I thought I was teaching him to be polite and grateful. Unfortunately I was doing the complete opposite...I was teaching him that food was a battle, not a pleasure. I also didn't know that he had Aspergers....yah, that little piece of info could have been pretty beneficial.

I've become a vegetarian. This has taken much thought and research...but I definitely know that this is the path that I want to take. I do not think that meat is bad for you....if you have the privilege of having buying meat that is antibiotic free and doesn't come from a huge feed lot...cheers. I don't have that privilege...and I've come to terms that I don't need it - I can do without.

I expressed to Zac the guilt that I feeling making this decision...to live my life mostly eating plant based food (I do still eat fish and eggs.) As the primary grocery shopper and meal maker - how can I push my lifestyle on my kids...on him? At at the same time, I also feel lousy watching my kids turn up their noses to good foods...always embarrassed to go over to other peoples houses for meals because my kids won't try new things. Then I remembered how any time I would serve my kids "quality" meat (chicken, beef) they HATE it. No sir...give them a nice chicken breast seasoned with lemon pepper and garlic and they'll grit their teeth...and then it's like pulling teeth (big ones) to get them to eat it. Give them a hot dog...a piece of sandwich meat..and it's "down the hatch." Very bothersome. What have they liked? Surprisingly....fish. Fruit...go figure. Oh, and they are nuts about almonds...tumbling over for rolled oats, hip hollering high for honey....cinnamon makes them happy. Getting the picture?
So, we decided that we're all in. The kids no longer get to be unhealthy while mommy pumps her body full of veggie goodness. I'm responsible for their health, and I believe with all of my heart that God is the one who has put a passion for nutrition and herbs and earth's goodness in me...I'm just a little earth mama through and through. My parents use to call me their "flower child." Well, I'm embracing it....heck, it's true. ~*

I've been living this way now for about 3 weeks...and I feel so good. I've been juicing for about 10 days now and it's been so fun to experiment with different fruits and veggies...learning which ones compliment each other. Trinity adores carrot juice....that makes this little mama smile SO big.
And look at that color?! When I'm in the produce department it's like "open season" for me...seriously, if I could snatch up fruits and veggies as quick as a hunter can pull a trigger I'd be a mean green machine...a force to reckon with. Alyssa...aka "Jolly Green Giant." All of the things that God has put into plants amaze me...all of the vitamins and chlorophyll and phytochemical goodness.. right there for me to eat and to nourish me perfectly, the way God first intended....there weren't no ground beef in the Garden of Eden folks. And if there was...it definitely didn't come from a feedlot.
The first REAL test came tonight. I bought two things I had never imagined I would place into my cart...two things I didn't even really know existed. Ready? Swiss Chard and Shitake mushrooms. Yes...that's right - never had either.

I got the kids involved...Trinity helped me saute minced garlic in some olive oil....we added the sliced up mushrooms and then a sprinkle of salt and cayenne pepper. Next came the shredded up chard...and we just let it steam for a bit. Done. Simple, easy...colorful - and MOST nutritious.

Before the kids ate Zac and I had a talk. We decided that our approach was going to be this :

"Kids, this is what we are having for supper. We will give you all a little bit on your plates...a little of everything. If you don't want it, you're free to get down and go play. If you eat it ... all of it...you can have a happy supper and a small piece of dark chocolate for dessert."

Hold you breath............okay - let it out. They ATE it. ALL of it. The chard, the chard's stem...the swiss in the chard. They ate the mushrooms and the bits of garlic...they ate all of their nutty brown rice and watermelon that I served on the side. They all got a bite of chocolate.
Trin took a picture of my pleased expression - it felt like Christmas.
I feel really alive. My juice detox went great...did what it was suppose to do. I feel energized and my cravings for fat and salt and sugar are gone. I don't even crave coffee - I decided that two cups a day is good (i use to drink 6.) I'm taking B Complex, Bee Propolis and Evening Primrose Oil....but that's another post - I know you're all stoked.

So...here's to more colorful meals, a new HAPPY approach to food - here's to KNOWLEDGE and being PROACTIVE in caring for my body...and all of my littles. We only have one life to live, and I personally think the "you gotta die of something" as a right of passage to destroy yourself is the lamest most selfish approach you can take. Life is a gift....I want to live it fully. Guess I'm going to need to stock up on dark chocolate.....

Swiss Chard and Mushroom Goodness

3 Tbs Extra Virgin Olive Oil

4 cloves fresh garlic, minced

1 bunch of Swiss Chard, cut inch thick strips (I used 3 big leaves)

1/2 pack of sliced shitake mushrooms (about 1 cup)

Cayenne pepper

Salt

Saute garlic in olive oil over medium heat. Add mushrooms...sprinkle with cayenne pepper to taste. Salt to taste (i used himalayan sea salt.) Add chard and let cook until wilted...about 2-3 minutes. Serve over brown rice. Simple easy goodness.

Finn

2012-01-14T18:08:00.004-05:00

Oh yah....I have a fourth child...one that might appreciate a *shout out* now and again. Little Finny finn finn....my bug. Finn is getting so big, I honestly almost always think he's ten months old. Seriously. Even when he was 7 months people would ask me his age and I would say "oh, um...not sure...I think about 9 months or so?" I'm still not exactly sure how old he is...i think 8 months? Someone else do the math please. He was born May 1st, 2011...for some reason my brain can't compute those numbers...a little scary that I'm now doing our family check book.

Finn is standing up by himself and holding on to things while walking. Yep...we got another fast one. He's definitely not as "chill" as Tristan was. He loves little finger foods and I'm trying my best to raise a vegetarian...we'll see how far I get in that. He worships lentils and sweet potatoes and has a healthy appetite for grapes (cut in quarters of course....don't freak out on me...remember he's my fourth. That makes me an expert in babyhood goings on.)

He's just plain cute and lovable. Zac and I will sit with Finn after the kids go to bed and just smile at him....he's like it when I sing "not by the hair of my finny finn finn."

Asking and Believing....

2012-01-05T14:11:00.004-05:00

So Christmas break is over and our boy is back at school. His first day went well although he came home quite distressed about not knowing how to do *tallys.* I wasn't really sure what he was talking about until I opened his backpack and found a paper that was incomplete with TEACHER WRITING (you know the kind....big red cursive letters that make your insides squirm) at the top. It said something to the tune of "please have Brayden finish this at home. He had 15 minutes to do it in class and this is all he did." The "all he did" was some light scribbling in pencil. I asked him about it and he simply said "I didn't understand mom. Did the teacher say I did very good today or not very good today?" Melt your heart.

Today I got an e mail from his teacher saying that he had a great day yesterday but for me to "please work with him at home on doing his tasks at school during their 15 minute alone activity time." She said that everyday the kids have 2 different 15 minute periods where they have to sit at work on an assignment and that Brady never does his work. I took it all in good grace...but I think if she would have simply said "can you please buy a $2,000.00 dollar airplane ticket to go around the world and then stop in Aspen Colorado and climb a summit in the dead of winter completely naked" I would feel like that would be more in my grasp. Now....how to teach a child with Aspergers to sit by himself at a table and work on a task that he doesn't understand for 15 minutes...great. Easy Peasy for sure.

After I explained the homework to him....looking into his eyes and giving him an example first, he completed the paper in 2 minutes perfectly. Ahhhhh yes, I'm perfect. Okay...so maybe not - but I DO know my kid.

We celebrated the new year with sparklers and chocolate dipped pretzels...even a glass of champagne (or two...oh yah, and margaritas.) It was a great time had by all. I don't really have any "resolutions" so to speak, but I am excited about a couple of concepts that I hope to practice MORE in this new year. One is, I'm going to be more grateful. When I'm feeling low I'm going to close my eyes and picture something truly lovely...something that brings me happiness and I'm going to try to hold on to that thought. I'm going to really feel thankful, not just say it.

The other thing is...I'm going to ask God for things. Nothing is too big and it's not selfish of me to ask God for a 4 bedroom house, or a flower garden, or a date night with my husband or a 5 minute shower. I'm just simply going to ask, I'm going to envision me doing it...and I'm going to believe that it's going to happen. I'm going to try and have unwavering faith and stop trying to think to much about what my "heart intent" is. I've decided I really don't like that saying about how God answers in three ways - yes, no, and wait. I think if you think that He may say "no" then you won't have unwavering faith. In the end, you'll figure it out or He will bring something else about that will change your want or that will satisfy you...but I know in my heart...that after asking for something for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I resign myself to "God is saying no." Maybe He is just saying wait? Who knows....which is why I'm not going to think about it...I'm just going to ask.

oh yah...and I'm taking B vitamins (thanks Julianna) and exercising now. Just needed to throw that in there. Oh yah, and I'm doing a detox in a week....and weaning myself from sugar for the month..and.....

We had a quiet day for our anniversary thanks to no babysitters ha ha. Eight years together....4 kids later, and I love my husband more and more. This year I hope to grow in being kinder to him with my words and considering him first before all others...not letting him get lost in my mounds of laundry and my always full sink of dishes (wait wait wait, I'm not focusing on negative, I'm picturing a beautiful butterfly flitting through the air, basking in the warm sun of spring....)

So....here are two of my dreams for my future and they may seem silly but I'm going to put them out there....they are longings of my heart.

1. I would love a 4-5 bedroom home, with a master bedroom that has lots of sunlight and lots of privacy...possibly my OWN bathroom.

2. I want to go to Italy for my 10th anniversary...maybe that summer?

3. I want to write a book someday...maybe in my 40's hahaha.

4. I want to learn to play the guitar (I've wanted that since I was 16 and you're never to old to learn.)

5. I want to be involved with the world of homeless people...I want to be a bigger part than giving them change from my pocket.

6. I want to run a marathon by the time I'm 30 (that gives me 2 years and 9 months)

The End

Good Bye 2011...Forever

2011-12-31T11:57:00.004-05:00

I'm not going to lie....part of this post will come off extremely negative...I promise that in the end I'll somehow be able to bring it to a positive space. Bear with me.
I was telling Zac this morning how happy I am that this year is over with. I feel, I am for certain, that this has been the hardest year of my life. I have felt uncertain of who I am...of my purpose...I have doubted everyone's love for me and sometimes even my love for them. I felt completely alone deep down inside, even when I am looking into the face of someone that loves me.
Finn joining our family was the highlight of 2011. He made quite the entrance...if I would have gotten to the hospital just 10 minutes later I think Zac would have been delivering our 10 pound baby on a sunny sidewalk in Georgia...we cut it that close. Days before Finn's arrival, our neighboring town was ripped apart by tornadoes....most of our little world surrounding us was in grief and trying to come to grips with tragedy.
Almost everyone in my entire family (even on Zac's side) has suffered their own personal losses and have gone through tremendous trials. I'm a very feeling person.....I'm effected greatly by those I love feeling sad or feeling uncertain...I'm effected by them floundering. I want to help and feel like I can't so far away...I want to be real to them and not just a face on a computer screen. I want to hold their hands and hug their necks and bring over a meal or wash some dishes or SOMETHING. I wanted to be needed and I long to serve....I'm a worker bee.
I lost my dear grandfather this year and just typing those words brings tears to my eyes. My family just left me here to type so that they could go pick up a pizza...they called and told me that they were getting it at Papa Johns. I hurt so bad thinking about him that most of the time I shove it out of my head...I miss his loud voice and his strong personality so bad. I miss my Papa John.
So...there's the sad part. Now for the bright part.
I have figured out...once again...what my problem is. It's not earth shattering....it's not even really surprising to me that this is the answer because I seem to forget this very thing all of the time. I'm leaving my Heavenly Father out of my business and trying to figure everything out by myself. I'm crying alone in the shower instead of kneeling down and crying out to Him. I'm pulling the covers up over my head and blocking out the world instead of opening the curtains and peering out at the beauty. I'm being myself before Christ's love came in and washed me out and gave me hope...and I'm being hopeless and joyless and worthless to Him. He can't use me in the state...and I'm a worker bee and need to be used, right?
I opened my Bible (well...kindle) just a moment ago...for the first time in a long time. I went to the book of James and read these words
1:2-8 Count it all joy , my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord:

I've been doubting God's love for me when I walk into our kitchen and feel the floor sinking. I doubt God's love for me when I need quiet so bad I could scream, and have no where in my home to find space and peace. I doubt God at night when Zac is at work and he tells me of some new complication with his job that doesn't seem to be very helpful for our family's future....I doubt God when we spend thousands of dollars on airline tickets and we dream and dream and dream and our dream doesn't come true. I doubt God when my baby boy (the big one) feels anxious and makes us anxious....I doubt God about everything.
He's telling me that He can't help me like that...He doesn't give up on me, but it's hard for me to see Him and His good work when my vision is so clouded.
I'm remembering now that God is good...that He has given me perfect gifts that He knows that I need, even though I don't understand the gift's purpose.
I'm going to try to remember Him more in my New Year.....I'm going to remember the importance of being steadfast...of remembering what it is that I love and who loves me and how much I love them.
I would like to add, that one thing that is a little baffling to me...is that even though this had been our most trying year ever...God has given me the most wonderful gift of a good and growing marriage. I've never been closer to my husband...I've never felt his love more and I've never tried as much as now to "get over myself" so I can be who he needs me to be. I love my Zac.
So...it kind of had a happy ending didn't it?

December Has Brought Us....

2011-12-27T11:53:00.014-05:00

...the opportunity for Zac and I to join forces (his skill and my creativity) to make a lovely little kitchen for our best girl. :)

We bought this end table at salvation Army for 5 dollars...after Zac sanded and painted it, he cut a hole in the top for the copper sink (a 3 dollar bowl from Salvation Army.) Then we used squares chunks of wood painted black with silver painted Popsicle sticks for the oven.

....Another year to celebrate our boy. December 19th Brady turned the big SIX , a long awaited age for him for some reason. :)

.... a play date at Chucke Cheese with tons of tokens

.... a birthday apple pie with whipped cream

....a bouquet of pink daisies from my love, him trying to brighten my day and bring the outdoors in.

.... boxes of goodies and cards from family

.... me remembering I'm loved

...bubble baths in the sink, the whole family giggling at Finn splashing.

... Finn crawling like an expert and now sitting up by himself

....smores on the porch

.... lovely fires made by my fireman

.... long gentle rains outside

.... a new haircut for a little squirrel.

.... baking together and planning Christmas menus

.... wrapping boxes and boxes of presents

.... more opportunities to tell my children the story of Jesus and what His existence means to us.

.... letting the kids go *sprinkle crazy*

.... cute little pottery barn holiday plates, 25 cents from the consignment shop

.... deals and bargains....5 Melissa and Doug toys for 10 dollars shipped

.... 2 dozen gingerbread cookies

.... 1 quart of eggnog

.... a holiday honeybaked ham enjoyed with our dear Andy and Kristi

.... Christmas m&ms

...another month of my life to love and be loved by this amazing man

... being more spoiled on Christmas morning then my kids (ha ha ha)

.... the thrill of Christmas morning and the kids waking up to find gifts under the tree

.... giggles and laughter and wrapping paper all over the floor

.... balls bouncing, puzzles pieces scattered, doll clothes strewn about

.... chaos = our crazy life

... a blue eyed Koala learning to speak more, learning all of his shapes and numbers and saying to me "are you okay mama" when I cough or sneeze.

... a two week flu

.... lots of hot tea with honey

.... peppermint mochas at every available opportunity

....Christmas morning bringing me these comfy slippers after two months of frozen toes. :)

.... the kitchen floor sagging even more than before

.... the dog chewing our Christmas lights

.... the dog chewing our shoes

.... the dog waking us up at 2 am every morning

.... the dog barking on the porch

.... the dreams of next year

.... new hope

...making the choice to be done nursing my sweet Finn after much HARD deliberation and feelings of unnecessary guilt (praise God for a full night sleep last night!)

... being done being pregnant and nursing after 1,887 days without a break (not to mention my pregnancy with Brady .)

...oh yah...and Brady loving school!

The End...and more to come in the New Year

Fighting for Sunshine

2011-12-15T10:34:00.005-05:00

It's a sunny day...glorious. I've been quite under the weather lately....just feeling down. It's like clouds have come into my life to stay...and even though a little purple flower pops up between green blades of grass, a robin lands on a nearby branch and sings....all I see are the clouds.
Now, for the most part of my life, after awhile of feeling down i come to realize that I have a bad attitude or that I'm needing to make a change in my life in order to help uncover the hidden joy I know is there....lately that hasn't been working. I don't even see the spot I'm suppose to be digging...I can't find my shovel, I feel lost and overwhelmed with the task of searching.
I know, I know...with a cute little baby with big blue eyes, a handsome husband, a smart 6 year old (almost 6), my own personal Koala and having a real life Goldilocks...you'd think I'd be jumping for joy every day - that a painted on smile would be plastered on my face. And I guess, if things were perfect...that would be true.

The truth is, after much soul searching...and realizing that a lot of my issues are stemmed from uncontrollable stress (not the kind you can fix with being more organized or going out for a cup of coffee) I have made a HUGE discovery. I am effected BIG time by weather. Call me strange...or just like half of the population I didn't know existed, but I'm very grey on grey days. I cry when it rains...and when there is sunshine I dance and sing and frolic out in the yard....loving small things like earthworms and wild mushrooms. On cloudy days I hate pie, I hate good movies, I had bubble baths...I just basically feel blah. It hasn't made sense to me that even when I'm telling myself "Self, knock it off. You're whining...you're thinking about the half empty glass, you're concentrating too much on the dirty dishes and not on your clean laundry"...none of that helps. All I know is that I don't have a bed, I don't have privacy, I don't have a mom here, I have a teething baby, and a partly dead Christmas tree.

Yesterday was full of sunshine - and in the 60's!! The sky was big and blue and lovely.My husband made the decision that a family walk was in order...and even though I didn't really want to go - I did. I packed some cookies and we took the kids for a drive up a near by mountain. When we reached the top, we got out of the van - and as soon as I took one deep breath of that mountain air, the pine scent.....felt the sunshine on my face and the blue sky wrap around me - I instantly felt so HAPPY. I couldn't stop smiling. All of the sudden the dirty dishes at home weren't important...Brady in my mind had NO PROBLEMS AT ALL that we couldn't work through and with....Tristan not being fully potty trained didn't bother me in the slightest. The baby was chewing on his finger like crazy, pestered by his new tooth. I didn't care...I just thought "wow, he's getting teeth" instead of "tonight is going to be horrible." Yes siree....I was happy. (strange place for the above photo...but it's Zac and Trin's new pastime...ballet.) As we hiked along the trail, all alone up their in the wilderness, I told Zac "oh my gosh I love it here so much. I feel so good. I'm defintiely a mountain girl." And I really am since I grew up in the Sierra...quite the excellent climber and hiker if I do say so myself. Zac is the one who pointed out to me LAST YEAR that he thought I was effected by the weather. I dismissed this notion...know that I, ALYSSA, could in no way be effected by something so small...something teeny and powerless like...gulp, the weather?

Well, it's true...and my Zac is one smart cookie. Quite the gingersnap of a man if I do say so myself.

So today, I'm starting some type of a sunshine regiment. I had a big glass of orange juice and stirred in some Spirulina powder...I have lit candles and put on music....the forecast is calling for cloudy skies this afternoon and I'm fighting back!

Even though there are troubles in life...sometimes it's nice to know that we are struggling for a reason..well, several. For me it's..

1. I love the holidays but I'm lonely. Thank God for my family that I have.

2. Cloudy skies...thank goodness for music, thank God for my husband and his good ideas, thank God for spring and summer.

3. Hormones...thank God for wine.

4. I'm very human and not perfect. Thank God for His perfect love...that when I'm not enough, and my kids aren't enough, and my husband isn't enough...He is enough and more.

New Student

2011-12-07T13:29:00.003-05:00

Brady has now almost completed THREE days of school...and I'm just now blogging about it. Our life has just changed dramatically..as in...we have a schedule FINALLY. Brady goes to school, comes home, he needs to have after school snack, shower, playtime, homework, supper, read out loud...pack school lunch, lay out clothes for the next day...have his hot tea and watch his nightly National Geographic - and to bed. Phew.
So far he is loving ALL of it. Yesterday as he was running to me from our driveway (the bus had just dropped him off) he grabbed my hand, and smiling said 'I kind of love school mom.'
The above picture is from his first day of school....nice and early at 6:40 am. His days start early...loads up on the bus at 6:55 and is dropped off at 3:00. This means that he needs to be in bed by seven....needless to say I'm missing my little boy. He's having so much fun and is bringing home all sorts of facts and stories to tell me....so I'm glad that he's happy. For the last couple of nights though he has said right before going to sleep "Uh, mom...if I go to school everyday then that will mean I will miss you a lot."

I'm going to leave this post as it is...some other day I'm sure i'll fill you all in about how "my heart truly feels...." and all that stuff....but for now I'm still processing. Oh...love his new monster hoodie?

Deck the Halls

2011-12-03T20:11:00.006-05:00

It's been a few days since we "decked the halls"... and I'm enjoying all of the twinkeling lights that Zac has strung around our house - inside and out. Trinity had the honor this year of going with her daddy to pick out the perfect tree....how nice this year to have my grandfather's old truck to bring their findings home in - definitely beats strapping a tree to the top of a minivan.

Zac strung the lights....we also have bright multicolored ones around our porch and in our bushes.

Every year I give each of the kids an ornament that reminds me of them....in hopes that someday when they are older they will each have their own box of ornaments to take with them to their own homes. I chose this pretty little pair of ballet slippers for Trin....it represents how much she loves to dance and her dream to take ballet. Brady got an ornament that looks like a sandcastle....this year he learned to love the ocean and he got in the water unassisted for the first time. Tristan got a puppy dog to remind him of the year he got his first pet...our little Ozzy. And for Finn...I found an ornament that says "little sweat pea" which is what I use to call him before he was born.

Tristan loves the tree and lights so much....he has shown more excitement over Christmas than any of our other children have at his age. Everytime he sees the lights come on he says "Oh, beautifulllllll!"

And Finn finds crawling under the brances better than any mobile ever made....he loves the feel of the brances. Baby's first Christmas....can't believe it's already that time.

The star for the top was lost for this photo...I finally found it yesterday in our shed. Someday I will become more organized.

With Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T09:11:00.014-05:00

We celebrated a day early this year - zac has to work Thanksgiving Day and the day after. At first this thought stressed me out...but now I'm pretty pleased with how it all turned out. Today, while the rest of the world is baking and mixing, washing dishes and stuffed to the gills - I am enjoying leftovers in a clean kitchen....things do work out. :) So...without further ado...my list of thankfulness. :)

1. For a little boy that loves to cook....
2. for my sweet deal last year on an entire of case of organic canned pumpkin - saving me money this year when things are tight
3. for my comfy sweater that fits me this year...because I'm NOT pregnant. :)

4. For a lovely thrifted nativity set given to us be a lovely sister in law - thanks Lesley
5. For a little girl that loves simple things.

6. Being able to celebrate Jesus and focus on giving

7. For my mom's sweet potato recipe...and how it's become a favorite of everyone that's ever tasted it.

8. For an apron made by my Great Grandmother...given to me by my Grandma

9. For the warm color of deep orange

10. For little hands learning to help

11. For a little baby taking in the sight of his first Thanksgiving turkey (don't worry...he only got sweet potatoes. )

12. For 13 pounds of bird that will make us a month of meals.

13. For God graciously giving us a home to live in, pretty things to look at, food for our bellies....people to hug, cheeks to kiss - and a table that EXTENDS when we are blessed with more than what will normally fit.

14. For a little Koala that gives me and Zac hope and gives our faces a smile on a daily basis.

15. For a man that gives me everything a woman could ever want

16. For a marriage that is flourishing even in tough times

17. For knowing another person completely, no secrets between us

18. For being gifted with marrying my first love

19. For deep green adoring eyes

20. For a rowdy game of football after a perfect lunch

21. For silly moments

22. For Zac's awesome moves

23. For a daughter that loves photography...notice what's happening in the background...

24. For these loves of mine...and the one not photographed - taking his afternoon siesta

25. For joy

Happy Thanksgiving Friends

Light and Inspiration

2011-11-17T19:44:00.008-05:00

At last the sun came out, hand in hand with his friend *cool breeze*, to say *hello* and let us know that the rain had gone on vacation and would be back another afternoon. How wonderful for the littles to be able to go out a bit, hats on their heads...coats buttoned up and boots on their feet for a trample in the fallen leaves. I think everyone in our home was feeling pretty cooped up...and God's sunshine was just what we needed for a general *lift.*

Lovely sun pouring through the window...one of my MOST favorite things on earth. I love the warmth it brings, the happiness ...the light. I'm a person that needs a good dose of Vitamin D...I thrive on soothing colors and fleece blankets and wool socks - my hands wrapped around a steaming cup of tea or coffee....flickering candles and the soft glow of oil lamps. I thrive on homey goodness...warmth.

Oh...she does too. :) She's another one of my favorite *things* - as well as this little set of thrifted Starbucks espresso cups and saucers. I was in the local consignment shop the other day and snagged a set of four for seven dollars. They are the perfect size for little hands and I love that in the center of each saucer...is a peppermint. :)

My littles love the colors - aren't they so cheery?

And because of the general "good mood" I was blessed with today, I got all domestic and baked a pan of gluten free carrot raisin muffins (wow....that was a mouthful) for tomorrow morning's breakfast - I thought they would go well with a pan of scrambled eggs smothered in cheese. Anything is good smothered in cheese.

The kids enjoyed puzzle time - Trinity can put together ANYTHING and Brady is learning the capitals of all of the states....as well as their nicknames. It's fun learning with your children.

Another favorite "thing" I have....my *little bug* and his red cap. The hat was Tristan's at one time...gifted to us by Aunt Kate who has my shared love of thrifting and crafting and so I've found that we have pretty similar taste....expressed differently, but still along the "homey" and "artsy" side of things. Little Finn decided to keep Zac and I up almost all night last night, well....his growing teeth did. Poor little guy, and I'll say it....poor us. At the same time, here's to eating more solids and a long life of chewing the heck out of food! Here Here!!

All in all, a good day. I'm finally getting excited about the holidays even though they will be a bit on the lonely side this year. Zac is working Thanksgiving and the day after....as well as Christmas Eve. Just me and my littles - so I'm determined to still bring forth the holiday cheer and Good Will Towards Men and all that jazz. Next week I'll be making a quick run to the craft store to find some supplies for making stained glass on contact paper...and idea I saw on the blog Sew Liberated (on my sidebar if you find the time to take a peek.)

And also, shhhhhhh....you can't tell - Zac and I are planning on making Trinity her own play kitchen inspired by this lovely blog. We found an end table today at the thrift store for 5 dollars - it's pretty worn and ugly looking - but after a couple of coats of white paint and some fake stove burners and a copper sink....I think we're going to have a very original "piece of lovely" on our hands. Stay tuned for before and after pictures....and keep your fingers crossed.

Scheduled...At All Times

2011-11-16T16:46:00.002-05:00

I found this photo...taken exactly 2 years ago. I must admit, my fingers are itching to get the scissors out and do a little *chop* job on our Goldilocks. Her hair is so cute...and really? How come my daughter gets the curls I use to dream about?! Oh yah....sometimes genes like that skip a generation or something - i got the long white legs and freckles.
I've been enjoying some quiet this afternoon. Zac took the kids for a drive so I could be alone and "ruminate." I spent the majority of my afternoon yesterday creating a master white board for Brady - I'll show it to you all eventually. There's numbers and dates and clips and magnets.....cards with pictures of every task you could think off - a "rule" section and an "award" section. This morning trying to put it all into practice felt so regimented....I wanted a little order for his day and it actually worked pretty well for awhile. Then....he didn't appreciate one of the tasks and I had no way of changing his mind. He didn't care what was taken away, what he could potentially be awarded with - he just said "no." So, the plan fell apart and so did I. It's been coming...for about 3 weeks - and it happened. I felt like a failure and had to apologize to my kids for being angry at him, for hurting his feelings with my words - it didn't feel good.
So...I guess it wasn't the chart that didn't work well...I didn't work well...grab that girl another cup of coffee (number 4 or 5 I think?) and let's get going - it's no time to quit. It's strange having to think of every next minute - my whole life I have tried to learn to relax, to be calm and take in the moment - to breathe. I feel like my life mission over the last couple of years (read my blog from 2009 and 2010 and you'll get what I'm saying) has been to enjoy this moment.....this smile and this cup of coffee...these falling leaves and this little girl coloring outside of the lines. I've been trying to laugh at a mess and not frown on one - I've been trying to not care about the laundry or the dirty dishes - to not care what other people think of me. This schedule for Brady is challenging me....I'm going to have to learn how to be structured without being rigid.
The last two days have been rainy and gloomy. Tonight I'm planning on making a pot of soup...some kind of Mexican concoction which I'm sure will turn out delicious (even though I'll worry about it the entire time I stir it together.) Oh...one other little thing i forgot to mention on my blog - we have been eating gluten free for the last 2 weeks. That's right..flourless...oatless....deliciousless. It's all gone from here - all the egg rolls and lasagna...vanished. You can make gluten free versions, but besides the muffins I've made...none of it has tasted as good to me as the real stuff. We are dedicated to the diet change until Christmas - I'm trying to figure out some of tristan's digestion problems and I've also heard that Aspy kids sometimes have a gluten intolerance. I've tried being optimistic about this whole adventure...but let me tell you - I don't like it one bit. The kitchen is an area I've been comfortable in for some time...now learning to use new ingredients has taken my comfort and smashed it to bits. I'm learning though....we'll see if it makes any improvements and I'm crossing my fingers that I won't need to take dairy out of our diets - I could just waste away before your very eyes.

Trinity Sky...And a NOT Forgotten Birthday

2011-11-12T09:46:00.006-05:00

Trinity turned four last month...and I totally forgot to share her special day with the world. So, my sweet Trin....mommy apologizes. You are special and beautiful and bright. You are my sunshine.
Trinity Sky was born October 29th 2007. She came to us quickly...without much pain - and stole our hearts as soon as we laid eyes on our little rosebud. Some people told me that she was the prettiest newborn they had ever seen - if that was just for my benefit, well, no one knows but I believed it. Perfect little round head, perfect rosy complexion....no marks on her face - just perfect and teeny and sweet.
Some of my fondest memories are of holding her in my hospital room....she and I all alone - bonding and loving eachother before I had to take her home...before she had to really become part of the world.

I hung banners the night before her party so she could wake up to rainbow colors...her daddy came home from work with two bouquets in his hands- flowers and balloons. She's just a tad spoiled....our one little girl.

Her celebration of life table.....4 lit candles to represent the gift of her four years of life.

And cupcakes...that I for once did not make on my own (thank you Costco.)

We gave Trinity her name in hopes that one day she would choose to live her life to the glory of God....to always know that she not only has God at her side...but His Son and His Spirit. Her middle name Sky represents beauty and change...but also stability because the heavens are always there.

She is growing and learning...she is a compassionate person full of love for everyone. Trinity takes care of her little brothers with a smile...and loves her older brother with her entire heart...no matter what his mood that day. :) Sometimes I have felt sad for her...like I'm not spending enough one on one time with her....my attention going to the baby...or Tristan needing potty trained - or Brayden needing my constant direction and patience. But I know that, in the years to come and even the ones she has already lived, that Trin is going to grow up being very nonjudgmental of others...very patient with others shortcomings - her arms always ready to hug and her heart always ready to love. I know this. Happy Birthday my Squirrel....mommy and daddy always love you.

Stretching

2011-11-09T19:27:00.003-05:00

I'll admit I've been quiet...on the blog. Things have been rather loud in my spirit....I've felt a little broken lately...pretty hurt. Things in the Corley family have been hard here recently...our house has been rather chaotic and sometimes has felt more like a battleground than a home. It's just been rough.
Brady has had a really tough 3 weeks. He has been screaming and yelling and kicking and hitting and been discontent ....almost every hour of the day has included some type of breakdown. Zac and I have been totally confused as to how to handle the situation...we've come up short more than once. It's hard not knowing what triggers these meltdowns...If I could find the trigger I'd smash it to bits. It's excrutiating to watch your child try to handle the emotions of life...and he's not equipped with the proper tools. Asperger Sydrome is a neurological condition that affects social and emotional interaction....there are basically four main *things* that children with Aspergers struggle with.
1. Impaired Social Interaction
2. Impaired Communication
3. Repetitive or Odd Patterns of Behaviors
4. Unusual Responses to Stimulation and Environment

Number 4 is a hard one ecspecially because for Brady something that could be stimulating could be a truck going by on the highway, a busy mall, a barking dog...or a crying baby. It's hard to have a calm place for him in a home with a preschooler, a toddler, an infant - and a pet dog.
The thing that I'm struggling the most with right now is feeling inadequate. Handling 4 out of 5 situations correctly may seem good....but for a child with autism you can't really afford to *lose it* the fifth time. Almost all day, every day I feel like I'm not enough for all of these little loves that I have. I don't want to dissapoint anyone...I want to laugh and be creative...bake and sew and play like I use to. I feel very weak right now and I've told Zac on several occasions (just being honest here) that I wish something would happen where I could just go to the hospital for a couple days so I could have vacation. I know that's horrible...and I'm not of course really wanting it. But, really, a hospital bed and an IV with morphine pumping into my body right about now sounds pretty darn relaxing. In Zac and my life....there aren't really babysitters or grandparents or aunts and uncles available. For the most part, we have handled all of the stress on our own...haven't shared it with anyone. It's been over 6 weeks that I've been alone anywhere with my husband - I miss him. Well, I guess we couldn't say that we haven't been alone anywhere...we did skip Sunday School last sunday and instead we hid in the back of the church and cried....that was refreshing.
We both hurt right now mostly because we long for a peaceful home for our children...a place where there is calm and laughing and fun times - and honestly that hasn't been our reality. We love these kids so much...we love them. Sometimes at night I'll go and sit near Brady and watch him sleep...just to see him "ok." Just to see him at rest and peaceful...comfortable and dreaming. He's such a beautiful child and I thank God that I was chosen to be his mom. Brady has made me a bigger person - has stretched my love and my patience and my consistency. He is a gift.
So...there's my belly aching. I'm done now...just had to get it out there in my very "real" way. God is full of grace and He has been beside us this whole time. I've called out to Him on so many occasions and felt Him in a very real way. Bills have been stacking up...and He will send relief. Anger will be mounting...and He gives me the tears to wash them away instead of exploding. The weather has been lovely and watching leaves swirl down into our yard has been soothing....even the dark coming earlier has been a welcome change.
Another answer from God is that I have found a great committee of people who will be meeting with Brady and I this Friday to figure out what he needs for attending school. I'm nervous about this prospect but VERY happy and excited for the change of pace for us and our special boy. I know he is going to love having his brain stimulated in a different environment...the routine and structure is going to be wonderful for him. I'm excited about uninterrupted hours with my younger three - more time for us all of us to experience peace.

Picture Perfect Poses

2011-10-23T14:34:00.005-04:00

Things started out "melt your heart" cute ..... Then she wanted to try some cool poses....
But not just by herself...so of course....

Her dad was most obliging.

Improvements

2011-10-20T12:52:00.011-04:00

So this set up isn't working...no way no how. We've been trying to make the best of the situation....6 people in a 2 bedroom house - I mean...others have it much worse. Zac and I have been sharing a room with Finn...who has decided to wake me up at least 3 times a night for the last 6 months. I'm pretty much exhausted.
Trini is in the room across from ours...seperated by a bathroom with sliding doors. Not much privacy to say the least....not even a door knob to *listen for* after she's suppose to be asleep and isn't.
Brady has been on the couch in the living room, and Tristan has been in the back (no central heat or air) room on a mat.

Slightly cramped and we finally had to have a change. I guess the reason why we hadn't really improved our situation is because, honestly...we thought we were moving. Then we thought we would just move without a job...then we decided that in this economy a job (if you have) is a good thing not to be taken for granted...so we nixed the whole "moving without job security" idea. The other day, my dear husband was totally overloaded with stress and let me know that he HAS to have our own space where at night we don't have to be moving kids back and forth. We would put Brady to sleep on our bed, and then transfer him to the couch every night. We would have the pack and play in our room, but then wheel it (sometimes) into the dining room. In the mornings when Zac would get up to go to work, he would have to tiptoe around our house....he couldn't really read his Bible, enjoy his morning coffee...just have alone time.

So, I prayed...and I pondered - and the solution came. Family trip to Ikea...live as the Europeans do. Most people in other countries live in teeny little apartments...heck...New York City for cryin' outloud. Plus...we could go and get a few things without spending a great fortune. The picture serves as an example...that serving bowl cost 3 bucks and the pack of 6 glasses was 1.99 - I love this place. My idea was to make the living room Zac and I's bedroom...our bedroom the office and a room for Brady. He has not had his own "place" for years....never a *big kid* bed. So, we took both of our vehicles and shopped till we dropped.....and here are the after pictures.

Brady's side of the room...we got him a simple wood frame bed and sheer black curtains that he loves. A shelf for storing his stuff (as you can see he doesn't have much) and then I got him his own wall hanging "spot light" and a cool piece of art (which he picked out himself.) He loves his room. :)

The other side is our office...still a work in progress but I love how it's coming together.

Plus...awesome boxes for make believe. :)

And this is the sofa couch we purchased....sniff sniff. I love it but we both are a little sad to be selling our leather couch we just got - but really...this is the one that we need for now. Leather sofas will come again....

Little bug loves it...super cozy in the evenings.

This is what it looks like unfolded....and you can take the cushions off the back and it's a queen size.

We got Tristan a bed too so that he will be off the floor for the winter and hopefully that will make it a little warmer - he loves his new rug and little container for storing toys. :)

And here's Brady boy enjoying his new bed. Since having our new "bedroom" for the last two days I have gotten MUCH more sleep. We put the baby in the laundry room for now and last night I only got up ONCE! I feel like a new woman....plus we have a fireplace and flat screen TV in our Master Suite so it's all a girl could ever want...ya know?

A - H

2011-10-12T22:51:00.009-04:00

A is for Adorable Archie (grampy calls him that.)
B is for Beautiful Brady Boy

C is for Crunching Corn Chips

D is for Dear Darling Daughter

E is for Enormous Effort

F is for Flickering Fire

G is for Gorgeous Green

H is for Humble Home (full of love.)

There Is a Season

2011-10-05T21:31:00.011-04:00

The last time I wrote, I was headed for Florida. Zac and I left early Tuesday morning...the plan was for him to leave me so I could help out my grandmother as my grandpa wasn't doing well. We pulled up into their driveway and I headed for their front door....I imagined him on the other side - sitting in his recliner, with his white socks mounted up on the foot rest - his head would turn around and he would smile and say "Hey there Sug (Sugar) how's Papa's little girl been?"
He wasn't there. His chair was there, his bible lying on the end table with the Daily Bread open on top....his owl candy dish sat near (empty)...along with his remotes and manicure set (papa always messed with his toenails while sitting in his recliner.) If you've lost someone close...you know the feeling of emptiness that comes over you when you hear that they are gone....the hole that starts small and stretches out and grabs at your heart. The hole was overwhelming.
My grandpa flew to Jesus...that's where he wanted to be. I'm not so sure that's where I wanted him to be yet - but i guess there's never a good time to lose someone.
All of the little reminders of his presence were left around the house - and out of the house.

His fig trees that he was so proud of stood tall....leaves bigger than your hands and little fruits nestled in their palms. I could envision papa walking me around the yard pointing to all his plants, excitedly telling me about when he planted them...and then what he would do with them when they were ripe. He would say "Now, Lessa...this one here is Papa's fig trees....and around the fall of the year they'll have fruit on em'." Papa John loved to plant.

His old shed needed a lot of work done to it....his old tools and lawn equipment were lying around everywhere...right where he had left them. It was strange looking at them and thinking that his hands were the last hands to touch them....it was just surreal. Looking at his "treasures" (some would call it clutter) was just another reminder about how my grandpa had a hand in everything....a zest for life - wanting to try EVERYTHING. He was fearless.

His grape vines were growing beautifully....they were all full and soft looking, a flowing fountain of leaves. There was something about these vines that spoke to me - for some reason that gave me hope. I don't know if it was the verse about how Christ is the vine and we are the branches...or if it was the shape of the heart like leaves...or the deep soothing green colors, but they comforted me. I think because they are life. Papa's life is over, but he isn't over. The morning glories he planted are still blooming and raising their deep blue petals towards the heavens every morning. The shed is still standing, the vines are still growing. More than the things he left behind, my grandfather left a wonderful legacy of joy. Everyone that he came in contact with eventually loved him...and it wasn't hard. His heart was big, his laugh loud and his wallet always empty because he gave. My grandfather was a great man.

It was so good seeing my two brothers. The distance between us three has, in a way, devastated me over the years. I know it can't be helped - it's part of growing up and moving away....but it still hurts. I love seeing Josh and Micah and being able to remember funny parts about our childhood, sharing jokes that only the three of us would "get" - in a small way reliving fun times. I miss their families and still hold on to the hope that someday I will be able to really be their children's tia (aunt) that they can grow close to and trust. That is my heart's desire.

The time in Florida definitely was not all sad times. There was a lot of laughter the day we took the kids to the river to unwind. It was fun seeing my dad's old "stomping grounds" and thinking about what it was like when he was a teenager. My dad seems to think that when he was a young man he was "all bad." I don't agree....sure, I didn't know him at that time - but the fact that so many people from his past love him begs to differ. It was fun meeting his cousins that he grew up with and them saying "you're Tim's daughter?" with a smirk on their face. That smirk meant "your dad was a load of fun." Now....my dad might interpret the word "fun" as "trouble" ...but they still smile - and people don't smile if you're only trouble.

My Tristan was happy to see his mama. I forgot to mention that Zac dropped me off that day and took the kids back the same afternoon - a nice 14 hour day for the four of them. Oh my how I missed my family. And zac is the epitome of wonderful dad. He took care of the three older kids for 5 days alone....drove them home and back to florida all by himself - he is much braver and stronger than I could ever hope to be. :)

The kids were excited about getting to swim in the river in their undies. At first Brady looked a little shocked that we were actually permitting him to do such a thing...but Uncle Josh assured us that in Italy (where he and his family live) it is quite the norm to be skimpy.

I watched my dad walking along the river, catching his breath from the whirlwind of events. I can't imagine losing one of my parents. I think especially when you are an only child...when you lose a parent ....you lose 1/3 of your original family. Brothers and sisters can be annoying, but they can also bring a lot of comfort and stability in the midst of a time of need. I'm glad my dad has my mom who can 100% empathize and sympathize. I'm VERY glad they both know the Great Comforter personally.

I took a walk with my grandma the day after the funeral. The weather was so lovely...mid 70's with a cool breeze, perfect walking weather. We came around a bend and the road was shaded....the sun was starting to go down tinting everything with a golden hue. I looked at my grandma grace and said "You are such a strong woman grandma. The way you are handling yourself is beyond amazing." And it's true. She had moments where she burst out crying and times where she was smiling and laughing and remembering - all natural when you are grieving. My grandma lived with a man that she knew was dying...and she took care of him for 2 years like that. She told me that she was holding his hand when he went. I'm so glad he had her and she him.

I love this picture of Finn and Grandma. It reminds me of the cycle of life and how when ones that we love are gone, even though they can never be replaced, God gives us others to love.

Driving away from Blounstown was hard for me. Only my grandma was waving goodbye...and Zac and I were driving away with my grandpa's truck (oh yah...forgot to mention the very GENEROUS gift from my dad and grandma. They gave us my papa's truck so we FINALLY have 2 vehicles after 2 years of having just our minivan.) It was just a "in your face" that he wasn't ever going to be there again. The trip went well....I had actually never driven 7 hours by myself so I felt cool. Finn screamed for the last hour, so when I got home I felt a bit frazzled but still just had the attitude of "let's just get home and get settled."

I arrived before Zac and when I pulled up I noticed that our little Ozzy wasn't in the yard. Zac had only been gone a day and a half and had left plenty of food for the little guy....so I figured that he must have gone to our neighbor's house. I got the kids out of the van and they started calling "puppy!" but no dog came. When I reached our front door I noticed an orange slip on the knob which told me that our dog had been impounded.

I called my neighbors (the sweet ones with the lovely garden I often tell of) and found out that they had called the pound on our dog. At first I thought I was angry...but then realized I was EXTREMELY hurt. She told me that she just couldn't take him coming into their yard and that it was an Animal Shelter that came and got him. I tried to call the Shelter but it was already closed.....just leaving me with my tears for the remainder of the night. I know...I'm a baby - but all I could think of was that sweet dog being mistreated somewhere and knowing that I had let him down.

the next morning I called the number as soon as I woke up and the voice on the other end wasn't friendly AT ALL. She said that they had a "black and white" dog and that if it wasn't picked up by Friday they would put him to sleep. If I got him it would be 50 dollars plus they would write me a ticket...but then she said that she would "cut me a deal" if I got him vaccinated. I hung up the phone and after a river of tears AGAIN (my eyes have never felt so dry in all my life) zac and I talked about how having the dog is just not practical for us. So, I put it in my mind and head and heart that i need to stop being so "Fern" and get over it. To no avail.

Needless to say, zac went and got my dog - took it to the vet and got the vaccinations and he is forever mine now. No more trying to get him adopted....no more saying "well it just isn't practical." Zac said the pound was disgusting and the other dogs there were all sickly and horrible looking. Killing a sick dog...or a dangerous dog - or a very old and decrepit dog is one thing. But...BUT...BUT killing a sweet healthy little 5 month old dog for no reason is an entirely different matter. Poor Ozzy - he has a big clump of glue on his forehead that I can't get off where the pound put a sticker with his "date of death" on it and he's been staying right by us all day long.

The vet said that he is very healthy and a really good dog...a border collie terrier mix. We got him a little bed today and oatmeal shampoo and doggie treats - and a tether to keep him in our yard.

Last night when my heart was hurting and I was showering (when my heart hurts I bathe....it's the only place that's quiet around here) I told God that I don't understand why when I try to love people...or tell HIM that I want to love everyone - why I'm challenged so very much. I love my neighbors...I took them meals a couple of weeks ago and I carry in their groceries. I put together a scrapbook for them the other night...why would they have done that too my poor puppy and to my kids? And then God tells me that it doesn't matter what they do ....who is He? God is love, so I am still going to try and love instead of being angry at them. It's kind of hard when I see Oz and his hair all matted and him acting forlorn when he was full of life. I know he'll get over it, but i still think it's sad.

I feel like my grandpa's death has really made me think about my life and my convictions and who I am...or who I want to be. My papa still lives through me and in me. I love seeing his candy dish over on my coffee table...his gray sweater hanging in my closet for chilly fall days when I could use a hug. Memories of my papa make me laugh....I know the future will be brighter because he was in my past.

Leaving...Not On a Jet Plane (have you checked ticket prices recently?!)

2011-09-26T23:54:00.003-04:00

I got the word this evening that my grandpa is not doing well at all.....his oxygen levels are dropping rapidly and his lungs are filling with fluid. I just got off the phone with my grandma and she said that they had moved his trusty recliner out of the living room and had brought in a hospital bed....seems he will have to be hooked up to his oxygen tank now full time. So....my bags are packed and tomorrow Zac is driving me and the kids down to Florida (8 hours), dropping off me and the baby, and then making his way back home. I know...seems a tad crazy - but really for us and our kids needs....this is the best option. Plus, price wise...the airplane tickets were crazy expensive.

I have a desperate need right now to be of service to my grandmother...as much as I can be in our circumstance. I'm worried about leaving the kids though, and will miss Zac - I may be gone for a full week...not sure yet, everything is a little up in the air. If you think of us, please pray for my sweet husband and him staying home full time with the oldest three. Please pray for myself and for Finn...he's been waking up constantly for four nights now and i'm pretty low on sleep. Please remember my grandmother and heart....pray for my parents traveling from Mexico to Florida and for my father and his grief. Please remember all of us as we say good bye to someone that we love and have always had.

~Things (and people) I Love~

2011-09-25T15:48:00.014-04:00

~ a bright eyed baby boy loving his first taste of oatmeal cereal (PLEASE sleep longer Finn, please?)

~ opening my bathroom vanity to find three toothbrushes smiling at me - having kids in the house can be just plain fun yall.

~ birthday roses from my boyfriend...and him remembering that I like the softer colored flowers.

~ owls .... they're just so stinkin' cute.

~ a closet that is getting ready for fall and winter...and the fact that one closet can hold four people's clothes (I still need to pack up Trin's 3 summer dresses that are in there.)

~ my new pajama pants from American Eagle (another gift from my hubby on my birthday.) I LOVE the bicycle print.

~ modern technology that is educational and can give this little mama a chance to wash that sink full of dishes and the 20 loads of dirty laundry that are always present.

~ this adorable book. If you love Mexico, beautiful illustrations, and teaching your children about giving to others....this is a Christmas must have.

....I mean, just look at that bag of pastries! Every time I read this I smell coffee for some reason...

....love, even if it's from a dog (remind me to sterilize my face later.)

....being a foster home to a puppy, even though I'm not a "pet" person. I consciously made the decision a few weeks ago to be a more loving person...to love others despite their history, their differences....to try my best to love the way Christ would love. I feel like everyday I'm challenged in a different way to reach out...weather it be to sick neighbors, a homeless person, or a little animal - I still have so much to learn. Anyone want a puppy?!

~ the fact that even though this key lime was delicious and the pie plate is almost empty - I only ate TWO slices of it (there's still two left and zac isn't home tonight wink wink.)

~ for a little boy that sings "Jesus Love the Little Ones" ....and points at me. :)

Once Upon a Time...

2011-09-12T20:27:00.016-04:00

In the early morning light....when the sun is still gradually waking.....slowly rising in the sky.... ...and the grass is still damp with dew...

You'll find a little hidden spot...a wooded area in the most unexpected of places...

a place called *Beaver Pixie Hollow.* If you look close enough....you may even spot an enchanted fairy, hiding behind the trees...collecting sticks and stones....

....patches of thick velvety moss carpet the earth's floor, long soft grasses protect little feet and create perfect spots for an afternoon rest...or a visit with a friend.

When the sun is higher, and the fairies come out of hiding....you feel blessed to even glimpse their golden hair, or to watch happiness *sparkle* in their eyes.

Even more exciting - to have a front row seat to their dance...their hops and skips through the grass - listening to their sweet cricket like voices singing about all that surrounds them.

You may even spot one of *Beaver Pixie Hollows* more popular inhabitants ....

The ever gnawing and highly esteemed - Beaver.

Now and again...a Koala will appear to say "hi there" and then make his way back into the woods he loves.

There are "jumping bugs" with bright blue eyes and little curly toes.

And sometimes....if you're lucky....you'll find a pyromaniac.

- The End

I love....

2011-09-10T17:21:00.014-04:00

I love finding little places in my home...small cozy spots that say "I love you." A little knitted blankie, left on a couch (not forgotten for long by our very own "Linus".) A rack of magazines, holding books full of knowledge and creativity....projects to dream of and recipes to bake.

A love finding beauty in food, the simplicity of a white plate holding multigrain pancakes...soon to be topped with REAL maple syrup. Homey tastes, mouth watering scents....watching your babies gobble them down with smiles on their faces and saying "You're a good cooker mama."

I love chilly mornings and snuggly hoodies...wind blown blond curls and big blue eyes. I love little serious Koala faces....wondering about what it is that daddy just made.

A fire. A flickering soft fire...crackling wood and glowing embers. I love relaxing by a fire....drinking in the wood smoke scent (okay....not really drinking in since that would be bad for your lungs...I would never just suck it in. Yes I would.)

I love family time...outdoors. I love tall cups of coffee sitting on rocks, I love my littles running around the yard bringing me *treasures* that they find in the early morning light....I love soft breezes that make it just cold enough that sweaters are appreciated.

I love freshly washed sheets. I love my hand stitched quilts made by my great grandmother....I love to think of her and remember the sound of her laugh when I run my fingers across all of the multi colored fabrics.

I love my stack of blankets....most of them made by someone that loves me....and my children. I feel blessed to be part of a "crafty" family....on both sides.

I love my husband. I love that he is STILL a stud and can do anything that he puts his mind too. I love that he plays with our kids...that he laughs at them and with them. I love that he likes my cooking...whether it be homemade manicotti or a grilled cheese. I love that he doesn't pressure me. I love that he makes me bubble baths and takes care of the kids so that I can relax and unwind. I love that he holds my hand all of the time...on our porch swing, on the couch, riding in our van....he holds my hand protectively and possessively. I love my husband.

I love, every now and then, giving up my modern "healthy" ways and having a plate full of down home cooking. I love making my mama's Hoecake recipe....it reminds me of my southern roots and where I came from. I love eating it and pretending that I'm a "mountain person"....Hoecake always reminds me of the book Christy and how the people always ate *corn pone and collard greens.* I love that book...I still have my copy that my Grandma sent to me when I was in 5th grade.

I love my princess helper...eager to learn to clean and cook. I love seeing her little dimpled fingers scrubbing dishes, playing with the sudsy water....the whole time taking her task very seriously.

I love that she works with a smile.

Today I love my life.

Cozy Weather is Back

2011-09-07T19:05:00.009-04:00

Yah...I think it is officially "snuggly long sleeve, apple cider, scented candle" weather! Our area just got in a *little rain* over the last two days...about ten inches all together. The days were chilly and relaxing...too bad I accidentally deleted all of my cozy pics. I lit the oil lamps (we had electricity...I was just craving the glow) and I continued using my percolator. A couple of the afternoons had me lying in our bed next to the window so I could hear the rain on the carport....as close to a "tin roof" as I could get.

All of the kids did very well inside...I'd say Tristan grew the most restless - as two year olds usually do when they don't get to run and play.

This morning he was reunited with his rocks and dirt....he got to run through wet grass and throw shovels of gravel into the air...a dirty Tristan equals a happy Tristan.

...I think his bucket was lonely without him....

I love the way the earth looks and smells after a long good rain. The grass went from crisp and brown to green and lush. The roses are gorgeous...all bright and "accessorized" with their little rain drop jewelery.

We re hung more of our family photos...I moved some furniture around in our bedroom to make it as cozy as I can get it without spending a dime. After school work this afternoon, Brady helped me make some thumbprint cookies to go with our apple cider (can we just say sugar overdose?!) I love how lumpy the cookies look and how some of them have about two tablespoons of mounded up strawberry jam...and some have about half a teaspoon. Eating cookies in our house is like opening up a box of assorted chocolates...you don't ever know what you're going to find once you bite into them. :)

Trinity and I went to some consignment shops yesterday to look for some winter wear. Zac and I are trying to get back into our "money saving" ways...meaning buying used again. HOWEVER, I wasn't impressed at all with the prices I was finding. I got her this little coat and hat for a good price, but I'm just not into paying 7 dollars for a used long sleeve T shirt. That's just ridiculous...you can buy them new for about that much. So...more shopping to come - more stores to browse. I'm definitely being a minimalist here lately (more than usual.) I bought Brady and Trin a hat...tristan has a knitted one from his grammy that use to be Brady's. I told both of the kids to keep their hats in their underwear drawer because they're only getting one....ha ha.

And last but not least....I found this little treasure at the consignment shop. I told Trinity she could pick out one book and I was thrilled beyond measure that she chose this one instead of a tinker bell or elmo type book. Little Bear is one of my kid's favorite videos....Tristan often comes up to me and says "Hi duck" - his little bear influence. Anyways, this book was printed in 1957 and it is so cute. I'm excited to have it in our rather sparse collection of reading material. I hope everyone is well and had a good Labor Day weekend....

Domestic...Is Back

2011-09-04T20:27:00.010-04:00

My friends....the domestic Alyssa is back - in a big way. In a *cleaning with vinegar, digging out the percolator coffee pot, cooking up meals from scratch, and head swimming with craft ideas* type way. Yes indeed....I think I'm me again. Maybe it's the month of September that has given me this *burst* of energy (Lord knows I'm not getting any more sleep thanks to my night owl named Finn) - maybe God has given me another dose of hope....but I'm just feeling happy.
Today I did just a few things -
~planted our seasonal mums with the two middle kids (can you have two middle?!)
~washed a load of laundry
~cooked two meals
~gathered kindling for our outdoor fireplace
~chopped wood for our outdoor fireplace( okay, okay...just a few pieces but still....I did use an axe)
~did a hour of school with Brady and Trin

~played hide and go seek
~played Snow White (once again I had to be the evil queen...I never get to play the heroine)
~changed 8 diapers...cleaned up 3 pee messes
~ gave two kids bubble baths
~dug the percolator out of the shed (I'm craving REAL coffee...none of this coffee maker jazz)
~played Duck Duck Goose with three kids that found the game very complicated. ???
~trimmed Trin's hair
...and the list goes on - but I'll stop for now

Ah, just writing down all of my tasks (and there as some things missing from that list yall) makes me feel so good...so productive. I think it's just the thought that fall is on it's way...the season of giving is just around the corner...children's birthdays are coming up - just a lot to look forward to. I got some of the things out of our shed that I had packed up (for the move that didn't happen) and it was kind of like opening up a Christmas package or something. I just kept thinking to myself "wow, I forgot we had this book" or "oh yah, that picture use to hang in the living room." Hanging my pictures up again and taking pride in my little home just felt so good...it's nice to be content.

And speaking of packages....take a peek at my new earrings my good friend Danyelle sent to me. I'm loving them...and can't believe that a friend that lives all the way in Canada...and hasn't seen me for about 13 years or so - has such a good sense of "Alyssa taste." It was such a nice little "pick me up" to open my mail box and find some fall clothes for the kids and chocolate for me(I HAVE been sharing) ....such a blessing (thanks dear Tulip...you are a gem).

During craft time today (wow...this post is really ALL OVER THE PLACE isn't it?) I came up with the idea...literally in 2 minutes. It was like this "here kids, everyone grab a piece of wood. Hmmmm...we can stick these little jewel flowers I have on them (thanks Grandma Grace) and then...oh, we can draw stems. Oh wow...you know what? Lets tape on some cotton balls for clouds!" Yes..that's the way I "school" my kids. But in the end...we had craft time, reading and writing and a math page with Brady, Bible songs and ABC's with Tristan, Trin learned to write the letter C and D and then she did an alphabet game on the computer. All in all...everyone learned something (except Brady...he already knew all of it.)

I know, I know...my creativity is inspiring. The "stems" are made from a black permanent marker and a green crayon. If I had actually thought it all out beforehand, I could have painted the board blue for contrast and to create a "sky." I'm sure that would have added so much more "drama" here (sarcasm is GREATLY implied if you're wondering.)

The kids thought they were amazingly beautiful though....I'm just wondering how long I'll need to keep them around before "donating" them somewhere. I'm not really serious (yes I am.)

Curly locks, Curly locks

Wilt thou be mine?

Thou shalt not was dishes

Nor yet feed the swine,

But sit on a cushion

And sew a fine seam,

And feed upon strawberries,

Sugar and cream.

Well, she probably won't be feeding swine anytime soon, but she'll definitely be washing a few dishes in her day.

And now, my head is swimming with ideas for our rainy day tomorrow. I have cinnamon rolls in the fridge ready to bake in the morning (recipe from Moneysavingmom.com) and the coffee set up on the stove. The babies are all asleep and I'm HOPING that I will get some rest myself. i calculated that I haven't slept through the night for at least 7 months now....since Finn has been born I've been up every 2-3 hours STILL. It's okay though...some days are rough without the sleep...but honestly, sometimes i just love the extra snuggle time with my littlest.

God is good...even in times of "wandering" and "forgetting"...times of feeling insecure and times of questioning - God's love remains the same. His gifts remain the same....love, forgiveness, and beauty - these things are always constant and available for anyone that wants them...and sometimes if you don't.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Labor Day weekend,

hugs,

Alyssa

Hello September

2011-09-01T18:41:00.010-04:00

Life is a celebration...days like today remind me of that. The first day of September brought us a lot of outdoor time...songs on the porch swing, pulling weeds around the rose bushes, playing in swimming pools - finding two little surprises in a bucket! The kids squeals were so hilarious as I let the mom and baby lizards go...you would have thought I had let go two rattlesnakes by the way Trinity took of screaming.

We made a pumpkin soup for the first time ever....quite tasty. I was inspired by a documentary I watched called Ingredients...basically about eating locally and enjoying seasonal fruits and veggies. After watching the video I had gardening fever big time. I got so inspired to just "work" with my hands out in the sunshine that I pruned our rose bushes and weeded around them...and then couldn't find anything else to "gather" since I don't even have as much as a tomato plant this year!

So, I collected pine cones instead. I love pine cones (God's ornaments) so much....acorns, little berries, pine needles and patches of moss...I've always been infatuated by all of their simple beauty. It reminds me of my imagined fairy world that i use to dream of when I was little...and still sometimes do if I'm perfectly honest. :)

I mean...just look at these beauties! God is so very creative - the sounds of nature, the colors of outside and the scents of flowers and pine trees....hot sun on hard packed dirt...ahhh, what a creator we have. I don't know how some people can doubt God's existence when such power and beauty surrounds us all on a daily basis. Even if you don't live in the country where nature surrounds you...EVERYONE has a sky to look at...a cloud to glimpse - a moon to admire. God is everywhere.

And then for an indoor task...cleaning of the babes. Sometimes when I lay out fresh towels for my littles and make a tub (or sink) full of warm water and bubbles - I almost feel a little envious of the luxurious life they live. Ahhhh...to be waited on hand and foot...just a life of play and sippy cups full of milk...warm baths and snugly blankets with instrumental music to fall asleep too. They are living the life....just not aware of it yet.

Finn wasn't so sure this is the life he wanted to live....He wasn't to thrilled by the "serene" environment I created for him.

No matter...he was soon done and bathed - this picture is here just for kicks. Doesn't he look stoned?

Yesterday I made oatmeal cookies and coffee for family "snack.' Not always a daily tradition...but it's so FUN giving kids coffee (decaf mind you.) They act as if when you hand them the mug of coffee, you're handing them their maturity or something. My kids like drinking mostly cream and sugar however....

Oh...little side note. You may notice a little band aid on Zac's eyebrow....he had a little run in with our fridge - i kid you not. He banged his eyebrow bone into the corner of the fridge while he was playing with Tristan and for a minute we thought he may need stitches. Zac does, indeed, have the worst luck out of anyone I've ever met. Just sayin.'

And lastly, my little love today...when finding out that it was the first of September....looked at me and cried "Oh no...it's September? We forgot to move to Colorado mom!" I told him that we didn't forget, per say...we just don't get to. "Oh no" he said, tears forming in his blue eyes "now we'll NEVER get to live there mom. We'll be here forever." Child after my own heart. I quickly let him know that we won't be here forever...that we are just being patient and still enjoying our little house in Tunnel Hill. He was hopeful....and so am I.

Simple Pleasures

2011-08-31T14:54:00.005-04:00

We've been eatin' watermelon. Shame on me for not knowing that my kids LOVE it so much. I mean...I knew they liked it (I've blogged about this fruit before)...but they LOVE it. My neighbor (the nice one) brought us over a melon fresh from her friend's garden...and my kids were ecstatic. However, the time of day she gave it to us was not condusive for cutting it up and dividing the goods amongst my watermelon hungry children. Zac wasn't home, the sun was going down...and I just didn't want to dive into the sticky mess. My children begged me...pleaded for me to cut it open - but I stood firm. :)

Zac and I (for some silly reason called "tradition") have made melon cutting a *daddy thing.* So, I promised the kids that the following afternoon would be full of juicy goodness and kiddie pools, and that seemed to suffice.

Tristan was pleased with this afternoon's agenda of eating and being messy. This kid can chow down - when it's on healthy goodness I really don't care. But honestly...eating and making messes are his most favorite things.

Plus, everything is just so much more fun and PLEASANT looking when Zac is home. I mean, really....he's hot stuff.

And little sweet pea...once again ...just had to watch and dream of the day that he can grow teeth and chomp on food. Little bug here isn't so little these days...he's plumping up quite nicely. I think rice cereal is still a long way off for us. I try to wait usually until about 8 or 9 months before starting solids at all....we'll see how that goes for this mammoth child.

Today I'm Thankful For....

2011-08-30T11:16:00.009-04:00

..."fall like" mornings on the porch swing.
... a husband that loves me more than himself
... holding a baby and him being so still I think he's asleep, and then I look down to find two big blue eyes staring at me

... a fridge full of healthy food despite my limited budget. (I found that the secret to shopping at Costco is to eat the SAME thing all week...in different variations. They have tons of organic foods that are cheaper than the Great Value brand at Walmart.)Oh...and don't mind that hot fudge sauce on the top shelf...

... for my new rain boots from my grandmother. I've always wanted a pair - now I have some!

...for a little girl that wants to be a mommy and carries her little "zenna" doll (Jenna) around with her everywhere. Sometimes I go into trin's room to find her sound machine on and the curtains drawn...and then I look over to find Jenna taking a "nap" on the bed.

... for two rose bushes that actually decided to GROW in our yard. I can't even remember how many plants I've bought and planted, watered and weeded...just to have them die in our clay soil.

... for my life and my home. I'm thankful that we have a roof over our head, a working toilet, air conditioning - and a leather couch. :)

... for a little baby that changes everyday.

... for a johnny jump up that sometimes gives me arms a break from carrying around this 15 lb baby.

... for a little Brayden that teaches me about love and grace.

I'm thankful for passages of Scripture that reach up and grab me, pull me into their truths and I know that God is speaking to ME. Remember how I was feeling "forgotten"? Yesterday I had a moment to myself, and I took advantage of it by opening my Bible. I didn't know where to read since I'm not on any type of a "plan" right now (and don't want to be for the moment....remember I'm an all or nothing type person.) i opened up to Isaiah chapter 49.

14) Yet Jerusalem says, "The Lord has deserted us; the Lord has forgotten us."

15 ) "Never!" Can a mother forget her nursing child?

Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?

But even if that were possible, I would not forget you.

16 a ) See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.

I know those words were written for me...today I feel thankful.

Root Beer Floats X 5

2011-08-26T18:59:00.010-04:00

This summer has made me an ice cream person...unfortunately. I've never really cared for it before...I mean...it's fine, but I'm more of a pie person - or cheesecake. I swoon for cheesecake. Yesterday was so hot that I was seeing mirages of cool natural springs with palm trees surrounding them....gentle breezes blowing. I saw buckets of ice and tall glasses of strawberry lemonade. Then I saw a root beer float. How long had it been since I had had one of those? Forever. Like I said before, I'm not generally an ice cream person and I'm FOR SURE not a soda person - but heat can change some things.

Trinity and I jumped into the van and made a quick Wal Mart run....the children were ecstatic over my purchases. :)

Yummylicious....this is one of their first times every tasting soda - I don't think it will be their last.

Finn just watched with a hungry look on his face...his turn to battle sugar and weight gain and blood sugar spikes will happen soon enough. Good luck little boy.

Today has been ever so good. I got two loads of laundry folded, healthy meals made for my kids...I read some books with the kids and then Brady and I watched a Power Rangers together...oh my. Brady is convinced that he is the gray ranger...I was just reminded of why I didn't watch this show when I was a pre teen. Pretty much it's as cheesy as they come. Brady enjoyed the quality time though and afterwards we read our latest issue of Kiwi magazine together. Now that was fun...tons of healthy snack ideas for kids and Brady seemed excited to try a few of them.

I do nothing "small." I'm kind of an "all or nothing" type personality...that came in to play today when i painted my nails for the first time in YEARS. I can't just have one color...I have to have three - with stripes and polka dots. I was inspired by this tutorial and I've been loving all the Navajo prints I've been seeing recently. I've always fancied myself as a "prissy rancher" - the kind that just look western but doesn't actually shovel manure. I own a ton of turquoise...love my cowgirl boots and gold hoop earrings - now if I could actually ever try riding a horse...

trinity was my big helper and held the baby for me while I waited for my nails to dry. She is the best little helper....she worked hard for at least 45 minutes today helping me sort her old clothes and clean up her room and move her furniture around. She always does it with such a cheerful spirit too....my sweet little squirrel.

Today I'm happy with my progress in reclaiming "me." I felt grateful for my kids, for my home, and I enjoyed doing a couple things out of the "norm" the last couple of days that were budget friendly and fun for our family. Who knew that a carton of ice cream and a jar (or 4 or 5) of nail polish could bring such pleasure.

Panama City Beach

2011-08-24T13:37:00.014-04:00

Enough of the gloomy stuff...let's talk about something fun. Our trip to Panama City Beach...I'm happy to report...was a complete success! At first I was nervous (a constant character trait of mine) at the responsibility of taking care of four littles on a sandy beach. I mean....waves grabbing children and taking them out to sea, the sun wreaking havoc on their fair skin....grains of sand getting stuck in eyes...my mind definitely was prepared for the worst. Despite these fears that were nagging in the back of my brain...I continued telling myself "it's worth it...you'll have fun....good memories are to be made."

And good memories are indeed what we came away with. First of all...the weather was lovely. It was pretty hot...but that just made the water refreshing.

Last year at the beach, Brady was terrified of the ocean and said that the noise bothered his ears (the waves crashing.) This year he was a little nervous, but we just gradually worked with him and took him in slowly...then he would start standing next to us holding our hands...then not holding our hands - before we knew it he was swimming back and forth by himself. By the second day...Zac said (I was with my grandparents on the second day so didn't see for myself) that brady would go into the ocean by himself with Zac still sitting on shore. Success.

Aren't they such a cute group of people....ahhh...the fruit of my womb (except Zac, Mama C gets all the glory in that department.)

The warm sand in our toes is so very therapeutic...no wonder they make foot scrubs and such. God is indeed the master of creativity and design.

Part of the time little Finnster had to sit in his car seat with mama's wrap over him to block the sun. Let's just say that he "slept like a baby" that night from such and overdose of vitamin d. He didn't get sunburned at all...I'm a little hypersensitive about "too much sun" ever since my little basal cell episode a couple years ago. No new skin cancers for now, if you please....

His first time at the ocean....he was pretty mesmerized by the water.

And little Trinity, my surfer girl. She didn't actually "surf" but she looks like she could have! I loved the way her blond curls would get tousled and blown by the breeze...

The next morning we went for a walk on the shore to collect shells. A friend of ours gave Trin this little dress from Ecuador...it had the perfect two little front pockets for storing her treasures in.

Tristan loved the ocean so much the day before that when we went for our walk we had to strap him on Zac's back so that he wouldn't run into the water and get his clothes all wet.

Psalm 8:1-8

O Lord, our Lord, your majestic name fills the earth!
Your glory is higher than the heavens.
2You have taught children and infants
to tell of your strength,b
silencing your enemies
and all who oppose you.
3When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—
the moon and the stars you set in place—
4what are mere mortals that you should think about them,
human beings that you should care for them?c
5Yet you made them only a little lower than Godd
and crowned theme with glory and honor.
6You gave them charge of everything you made,
putting all things under their authority—
7the flocks and the herds
and all the wild animals,
8the birds in the sky, the fish in the sea,
and everything that swims the ocean currents.

Our tristan and his love for dirt...he was in heaven in the world's largest sandbox.

A Little Sugar With That Please....

2011-08-23T13:07:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee....all creamy and swirly. I'm happy to report that for the most part I'm no longer a "black" coffee drinker. All of these years, when people have asked me how I take my coffee, I have felt a certain amount of pride in saying "Oh, just black." They in turn look at me and raise their eyebrows and say "wow, you're the real deal."
My taste buds are changing...slowly I've been adding a little cream to my morning cup of Joe (I blame this entirely on my husband and his love for Hazelnut creamer.) Now when I'm asked if I need sugar or cream I can honestly say "a little cream please." I finally have learned that that is what I like. It's not a sign of weakness....and I feel a little silly that I ever thought it was. There is something about changing that makes me feel weak...like I don't truly know what my convictions are or something. I take this to task in EVERY area of my life. I allow change of rhythm to knock me for a loop....
Zac and I have felt very defeated lately. There's just been a lot going on...a lot of "little" things that have added up and have kind of been the main cause of my silence on my blog. I have let sadness and defeat take away quite a bit of my creative energy lately...I feel like I'm struggling to get it back - to get me back. For instance :
Brady's diagnosis...I know I have written about it and you can expect me to write about it more. Aspergers is something that is going to affect our lives for the rest of our lives. It is difficult living with autism....it brings certain elements of joy...but you have to dig for those elements. They don't just surface and shine and glitter....you have to dive in with your whole heart and dig and shovel and find...then you have to wash and scrub and dry. Then you have it in your hand....and it's beautiful. It's much easier to just see the ugly and accept ALL of it as ugly...to not take the time to polish. I'm trying hard not to do this. I never want to stop seeing my boy as beautiful and lovely just the way he is. A common problem with parents who have children that are autistic is constantly searching for cures and comparing our children to others. We feel like we need to do something...like we need to change something. All in all, we can help them to learn and to thrive...but they will never be changed and they don't need to be changed. We need to.
Brady has needs...some simple and some complicated. Some of the complicated ones (for us and where we are living) is that he needs a good school with a program for kids with disabilities. Brady has severe ADHD and needs speech therapy. Brady needs routine and structure, he needs friends and family that can see him as a beautiful creation...and not be scared by his differences. I would love to find a church that has a program for kids with disabilities where he can learn about Christ on his level. Some of the things that are supposedly "simple" , like him having room to run around or his own space....has been difficult for us to provide.
Last year the city of Denver contacted Zac and said that they needed him to come take a Spanish test because they were needing more applicants that were bilingual in their coming academy. Our hearts soared because we felt like Zac was being sought out....he took the Spanish test and of course passed with flying colors. Three airplane tickets later, a lot of money taken from our bank accounts ...Zac was in very good standing. He felt totally confident that he would get the job. We were told that the academy would start September 19th...we found that out at the first of August. Imagine our excitement ( and slight anxiety) to think that we could possibly living on OUR heaven on earth in less that a month?! When we looked at how much his pay would increase we were super encouraged...we were dreaming of being part of a family (his brothers live there) and we were excited that Brady would have really GOOD schools nearby...and that we could afford to rent a place double the size of our current home.
On Thursday of last week we were going to go quickly down to Florida for a visit to my grandparents. If he gets the job...I don't know when I will see them again. Thursday morning as I was trying to pack we got a call that someone would like to come take a look at our home...so on top of the stress of packing our home to possibly be moving, packing our suitcases for a weekend stay at Panama City Beach, now someone wanted to come look at our house! I cleaned the place from top to bottom in high hopes that maybe this couple would like our home and possibly by the future buyers?!
Fast forward to yesterday. We got back from a lovely visit with my grandparents. Seeing my grandfather so very sick was hard on my heart, but I enjoyed every moment with him and my grandma. We found out the people that looked at our house didn't want it....I was expecting that but felt a little defeated since we have been trying for four years to sell. Oh well....possibly a short sale is still in our near future.
Trinity and I went grocery shopping, and while we were in the check out line I looked down at her arm to spot several little red flat bumps up and down her arm. Great. I knew what they were....hadn't seen them for a couple months but I knew. I felt instant defeat....stupid bed bugs that refuse to leave us alone. We have already had to burn two of her beds...we have cleared EVERYTHING our of her room except for a mattress that we have zipped up in one of those covers....every week I spray her room and sweep it. It doesn't matter...they refuse to leave our home. I check her bedding weekly....walk around and check the baseboards with a flashlight...I haven't seen them forever. Guess they obviously have found a VERY good hiding place.
We came home and once again started the procedure of washing everything in hot water...drying everything.....pouring boiling water all over her floors. We can't find them. Zac took her mattress to the dump and we decided that they must just be in the walls behind the bead board. There are a lot of cracks where they can get in and hide and be safe from bug bombs and our jug of spray. So, now my child is sleeping on the hardwood floor in a sleeping bag until I can figure out what to do. We figured though that if we are moving we would rather just buy new stuff there so that it can't be infested from this little house. I would ALSO like to add that we killed two mice in my kitchen (not little ones either) AND there was a dead roach on the floor in the kitchen yesterday morning. You'd think we were dirty people or something....but we honestly aren't. I DO clean. At one point I looked at Zac and said "Lord save us from pestilence."
Last night Zac received an e mail from the city of Denver saying that he didn't make it into the fall's academy. That's it.....nothing more...just that he didn't rank high enough. I think we both felt like we had been slapped in the face. After them contacting Zac, having him come out three times and then never even allowing him to have an oral interview...we are confused why they came to this conclusion and wondering what they are basing their rankings on.
We were both quite for a time....just not wanting to accept this news. We already had several things packed...at that very moment my bed was on the front porch waiting to be posted on Craigslist...we had already emotionally detached from Georgia. We feel lost....Zac basically has no chance of getting a pay raise here, we don't have a good school to send our children too in this area...we can't move to Chattanooga because his job doesn't allow you to live more than 20 miles away from the station.... our family no longer fits in this home, we don't feel like we "fit" in any area...our church, our friends....we feel very isolated. We had already been dreaming of helping out our family in Colorado...really belonging to a unit. I want so badly to help others outside of our little family. I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around my best friends neck (my friend Aubrey lives in Denver) and enjoy her companionship again...I've missed her so badly these last 10 years since graduating high school. We looked forward to a warmer home for the winter...one where we don't have a 300 hundred dollar heating bill. I wanted to find a church that we felt comfortable with leaving our kids in the nursery and finding a place where Christ can be presented in a way that Brady can understand.
I cried last night. I cried for a long time. I told God that I feel forgotten. I know that He's here...I know deep down inside that He cares and that He has a plan - but I'm tired.
zac is writing Denver today to ask a LOT of questions. We still feel like we belong there even if the door keeps getting slammed close in our face. So, pray with us for answers please....pray that maybe they might possibly add him to this academy or to one in the spring. This morning I had a music station playing and it was on a song called "You are all I need."
I feel like I need beds for my kids (not ONE of our children has a bed), I feel like I need to be around family, I need fresh mountain air, I need a good school for my little boy, I could use more money to make ends meet....I need to be part of something. But, I also know that God and my relationship with Him is what I truly need....is what my life is about...Glorifying Him. He knows these needs, and I know that He loves me....I just don't understand right now. I don't want this crushed dream to cause bitterness, I already feel it seeping in a little bit.
Today I'm adding sugar to my coffee....if my thinking has to change again, if the rhythm is going to be jostled AGAIN...I'm going to try to do it with sweetness. I cleaned our home today with pride, thanking God that I have a place to live. I pray for him to give my babies their own space when time comes, to show us what it is that He has for us. I'm so proud of Zac...he has done all that he can do. Hopefully his e mail will bring some answers.

Progress Report

2011-08-02T13:28:00.005-04:00

August....already. I remember last year at this time I had just found out that I was carrying little Finn...I was already looking up ideas for a handmade Christmas - already planning birthdays and getting my "seasonal recipes" ready. August means just a couple months until the fall....it's the homestretch of the summer. I hate August for being the hottest month of the year...and I love it simply for the hope that summer is almost over. :)
The kids are doing well...growing like weeds and eating us out of house and home. Our grocery budget seems to have *taken off* this year...like it or not. Some of this comes because I refuse to feed them "junk" and we all know that fruit and veggies ain't cheap...guess we have to pick and choose what we want to spend money on.
Brady is doing well....still on a full blast power ranger rampade. Right now he is anxiously awaiting his Power Rangers RPM costume (I don't know what RPM stands but he says it's important) to come in the mail...don't worry...pictures will follow.

Trinity is still *simply sweet and sassy.* Don't know where she gets that from...ahem. She is getting tall and thinning out...her feet are now a size ELEVEN and she is in a 4t. Funny thing about her is that she still seems so petite to everyone....but her weight and foot size tell me otherwise. She loves to help me fold clothes and cook - I even pay her sometimes to keep her eye on Tristan. That's right....the promise of a quarter for her piggy bank can just about encourage her to do anything. :) We are trying to teach the kids about saving and spending - basically the value of money. Seems like they think it grows on trees or something....

Tristan is still lovable and all boy. He can identify every letter of the alphabet and knows his numbers 1 through 10. He loves to climb as high as he can and jump....meanwhile giving me heart failure. He is definitely going to keep Zac and I on our toes as he gets older - as if we aren't already. Even though he is high energy....he also has HOUR stretches of just playing by himself everyday....digging around int he dirt and rocks. I told Zac wherever our new home is someday a must is that we have a little fenced in space for our little boys to run free.

Finn is rolling over, laughing and cooing - just getting older and older with eachday. I wrote my mother today and told her that there is no way I can donate his old receiving blankets and onesies to a thrift store...just thinking about them in a dirty thrift store in a pile of clothes unappreciated makes my heart hurt. Generally I Think of myself as the Queen of Clearing Clutter - not this time. I think I'm going to box them all up and send them to the Tarahumara babies....I love thinking of those precious little angels wrapped in my baby's blanket....

Zac is leaving this Saturday for Denver to take his C Pat test...please remember him in your prayers for a safe flight.

Livin

2011-07-23T14:25:00.003-04:00

Things are going...babies are growing - life is just passing...sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. The Georgia heat is so completely miserable that I feel kind of caged up some days - I can seriously handle about 15 minutes outside and then everyone has to come in to cool off! Funny how during the winter you can't wait for warmth and then when the warmth gets here...you long for fall.

The kids are doing well...although I think they are a little tired of the heat too. Brady tells me almost everyday "I'm going to dry out if I stay outside mom, i don't think I'll go outside ever again...not until the end of summer." Hmmmm...poor little guy doesn't do well with any type of "discomfort." Tristan on the other hand is content to stay outside under the carport for HOURS just playing in the dirt. Zac brought him in yesterday and said, while cleaning rocks out of Tristan's hair, "Well, at least he's definitely a boy." :)

Bradyen is doing good. For the record....the question "So how is Brady doing?" is a hard question for me to answer. AS isn't something that "you get over" like a flu....some days are good (still different then *normal* good days with *normal* children) and some days are very very frustrating. Brady is obsessed with Power Rangers right now and spends almost his entire day transforming into the "white ranger" , showing me his cool moves, asking me "Ranger Trivia" and planning which costumes he wants to collect on certain months. He's been doing this for at least 6 weeks......I'm kind of wondering when the fun of Power Rangers is going to dissipate and some other new topic will take over our lives. :)

Zac is scheduled to fly to Colorado in a couple of weeks to take the C Pat test...we are SOOOO ready to find out some answers. So many of our plans are needing to be planned according to what happens with this job opportunity...the thing pressing right now is school for Brady. He should be starting kindergarten in August and we are realizing that he needs to go to school for the structure. i have always dreamed of homeschooling but that isn't my reality... I can't give him the kind of rigid schedule that he needs (not with taking care of my other kids) and he needs to learn how to handle himself in social situations. So....I most likely will teach him at least this fall (don't really know WHAT I will teach him since he already knows everything you would learn in kindergarten) and then hopefully we will know more soon as far as if we get to move or not!

Trinity is hilarious and everyone loves her. She recently told me that for my birthday I needed to get a new tummy and that i could color my hair red...super funny. We are trying to work with her on the whole "I want everything in the whole wide world." I want her to like things, have hobbies, have her own tastes....I don't want her to be greedy. So, that's a hard one. I enjoy shopping, I enjoy fashion and I love to decorate...I love fitness and cooking - so when she sees me buy something she doesn't understand why we can't buy the whole store. Same with food...if she has one plate of food she wants to have another and another.......Trinity is just in love with the business of living! My hopes are just to direct that love in the right directions - I am not a person that thinks it is wrong to spend money on yourself or to have nice things. I very much like quality....I very much love beauty and beauty can come in "things." God gave someone the ability to design...he gives people the ability to build and to sew and to create. There is something so good about making yourself and your home lovely.... I have to remind myself that it is even more important to make sure that my heart and countenance are lovely as well. So....that's my goal with Trin and myself for now....just learning to live and enjoy but not to be consumed.

Rub a Dub Dub...3 Boys in a Tub

2011-07-18T08:59:00.003-04:00

Finn looks terrified here...it was his first "bath experience." I know, I know.....11 weeks and w are just now bathing him. I'm just a huge fan of the ol' sponge bath - I hate having to grab their slippery little bodies and trying to not get water in their eyes...freaks me out. Anyways, I came home to find Zac bathing all three boys at once - it cracked me up. Looking at this photo now it makes me a little teary eyed to think of them all growing older....I'm trying to imagine them as men together (not in a bathtub lol.)
The days have been going so quickly. Last night I looked at the calender and thought "oh wow, finn is 9 weeks old today " and then upon further inspection I realized that he's actually 11 weeks! Yikes...obviously a busy mom.

Summer Days....

2011-07-09T13:33:00.005-04:00

Our summer days recently have brought us..... American Flag Toast - toast a piece of bread, smear it with cream cheese and strawberry jam...then create a flag using blueberries and sliced bananas. Super easy and kids think your totally creative and cool.

Fourth of July sprinklers! Brady tried to be brave...and was! Definitely not his most favorite past time but it was worth giving it a shot. :)

Bubbles every morning. Tristan has learned to say "bubbles" in the most adorable little voice ever. He runs up to me every morning and grabs my hand and says "bubbles" and then tries to lead me to where we keep them. The Dollar Tree is making a fortune off of us this summer do to Koala's new hobby.

Zac wins the award for this picture....

Swinging on the ol' rope . Aunt Kate showed my kids how to tie a loop on the end of their rope and ever since....squirrel spends about 2 hours a day swinging away.

Water play in the kitchen....no fears of sunburns in here.

And last but not least...peanut butter play dough! I just discovered this easy recipe this morning and the kids had a blast. I had to tell them before they began though that they could have one taste at the beginning of their play time and one after...and then the rest would need to be stored away for later. :) Stir together 1 cup of creamy peanut butter with 2 cups of powdered sugar and 1/2 cup of honey...instant sweet fun.

Baby Number 3 Turns 2

2011-07-04T22:43:00.005-04:00

Tristan turned two on June 29th...sniff sniff for me. This little Koala is so (cliche as it may sound) - SPECIAL to Zac and I. He is full of love and cuddles...something that we've needed a lot of in these past few months. In the evenings we sometimes hear him crying at his door...and we generally always get him up for extra cuddles....just because he seems to crave physical affection and he's so GOOD at giving it.

I don't know if it's just because he's number three or what...but he seems to be holding on to the "baby" a little longer then the older two kids - and I really don't mind one bit. In fact, for the most part, I enjoy it. Tristan has just started to talk a little....really just a bunch of gibberish but it's precious gibberish. He and Trinity are becoming good friends and I know that in the next couple of years he will love being a big brother to Finn....I have high hopes that those two will be the best of buds.

God was so good to give us Tristan River.

And a little off topic...but this cinnamon roll recipe from Money Saving Mom was delicious and didn't last around here long. So yummy and you can mix the dough up in the ol' bread machine.

And this picture is just...wellll...cause she's cute.

Stopping In

2011-06-24T18:05:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to stop by and say hello. We've had a wonderful week of visits from family - a great afternoon spent with my brother Josh and his family...and then we got to enjoy Zac's sister Kate and her husband Kate for 3 days. It was so fun to catch up and have adults to talk too...eating stuff not normally in the everyday diet....walking around downtown and watching the kids interact with cousins, aunts, and uncles.

Good news on the homefront is that Zac got a letter from the Denver Fire Department saying that he passed the personality test (that's what I call it anyway) and he is going out in August to take the C Pat test. We're starting to get excited but at the same time are just trying to not even think about it. Getting hopes up about possibly moving and then it not working out has been hard...so this time we're just *playing it cool.* Who am I kidding?! If it doesn't work out it may take us a few pints of Ben and Jerry's to recover from the heartache. :)

Besides that I don't feel inspired to write...but just wanted to stop in since this space has been *quiet* for far to long.

Sunday Rest...errr....Play

2011-06-12T11:53:00.007-04:00

Today, perhaps just for today, I haven't been the kid's mom. No....I've been their Pastor, dance partner, florist, dress advisor, waitress, grandmother, and caterer. I've been called "Alyssa" several times by Trin...using her best "play voice" (sounds a little bit like Miss Piggy.) Today has been full of play and full of fun...I've taken the day off. The house is fairly clean...at least to my standards, so I'm taking this Sunday as an actual day of rest.
We started the morning with a wedding for Brady and Trin...a lovely affair with dress up clothes (trinity's wedding dress kind of resembled Laura's attire on Little House.) Oh yah...before the ceremony they had to drop their daughter off at school. ??? Anyways, after "we all came together in the sight of God to join this man with this woman" they kissed and then we had a dance fest to some jazz....followed by an horderves tray of apple slices, blocks of cheese, black olives, and honey wheat braided pretzel sticks - fancy I know. I think what the kids found most impressive is that they got to just "help themselves" to the food - not a normal part of their everyday lives, to be sure.
After the party we had games and more games...then they had to pick Jenna up from school (their two year old daughter) and put her down for nap...which she didn't comply with so she had to have a TWENTY minute time out.

An hour later it was tea time - I've forgotten how much fun it is to make a pot of tea, light a candle and just sit with my littles and listen to them talk. Brady was very impressed with my tea service and pumpkin loaf (lots of eating going on today) and told me that English Breakfast is his new favorite tea because it's "black" and black is one of his favorite colors.

Once again...*helping themselves* to the food was a big hit.

Thank the Lord that little Finn is such a good sport to just hang on the bed and have tummy time. He is such a good baby, I feel truly blessed that all of my littles have been pretty easy to take care of and have had good health. Finn is just the sweetest baby it makes me a bit sad to know that I will probably never have another newborn again - I miss him all the time. Even though I'm with him all the time...there just isn't that cuddle time like there was with Brady. I try my best to hold him a lot at night once the other kids go to bed...even then it seems like I always need to shower during that time or exercise...I would like to read...spend time with my hubby. I guess one good thing about nursing is that I get to hold him at least every two hours for awhile.

And the last bit of newness was encouraged by THIS picture. Tristan's hair had to go - it was time. I'm sad because I'm a lover of long hair...and ecspecially his redish blonde locks. But, it was always so dirty and matted down by food after every meal.

Guess who cut it? Like father like son.

Amicalola Falls State Park

2011-06-08T07:43:00.010-04:00

Funny how you live in a place forever (wellllll....for US it seems like forever) and we are still discovering beautiful areas near our house that we never knew about. We haven't had a good family time in awhile - well, we don't think of them as *good* when the kids are out of sorts (guess I need to change the way I process a good time huh?) So, we thought in advance and planned out a trip to a waterfall a hour from our house in the Blue Ridge mountains. Zac promised me coffee from Starbucks on the way up...I promised the kids a picnic, so with those kind of plans...how could it NOT be fun?! So, after a quick stop at the grocery store and our favorite little coffee chain...we were on our way.
The air up in the mountains was so refreshing and the wildflowers were amazing...I love wildflowers. I made Zac take a close look and asked him in the sweetest way possible to PLEASE PLEASE promise me a garden of wildflowers in our next home. He said yes. :)

we first started up a trail (when I say "up" what i mean is "UP" ) which brought us to a platform with a view of the bottom of the falls - and then this sign. "Should we try it?" I asked my love "Yah, we'll start and see if we can get up there." Usually it wouldn't be a problem for us to climb, but I had Finn in the sling, he had a 30 lb Tristan on his back - and Brady was...well...very focused.

So...all that to say - little mama got her butt workout for the day. Yes indeed, the ol' posterior is feeling it today. Trinity made it up with no problem, of course. That girl has the tannest most muscular little legs I've ever seen...I have great plans for her - I want her to take dance SOOO bad. Anyways, digressing a little....back to the falls....

We made it. It was SPECTACULAR. The air was even purer then on the trail, there was a cool mist - and I wished for just one moment that it would be possible to take camping chairs up there and just hang out for hours.

Told you - isn't it lovely? Much more so in real life.

Brady was concentrating so much on seeing the *big* falls that when I would ask him what he thought about the creek or the smaller ones on the way up he would get nervous and say "these aren't the ones we came to see." I reassured him several times on the way up that we WOULD reach our final destination. Once we got there he looked at it, smiled, and told me he was hungry and ready to go. Talk about task oriented.

Koala loves hikes...pretty easy climbing just hangin' in the Becco, lovin' on daddy.

Afterwards we had a picnic of sandwiches on sourdough bread with lemonade - and homemade cowboy cookies Brady and I had made the day before. There was a lovely playground by the visitor center that was perfect for our family....when I say *perfect* what I mean is *empty.* I love having a public space all to myself.

Tristan loved it to. He ran around snacking on the go, enjoying the freedom of just RUNNING. Koala has slowly been turning into a Tasmanian devil.

A Look Back...

2011-06-06T15:50:00.003-04:00

This was a year ago(June 5th 2010 to be exact)....I can't even explain the emotions running through my head and heart right now looking at this picture of my sweet SMALL littles. Somedays I need to have a glass of water thrown in my face (don't you dare) and be told to WAKE UP...SMELL THE ROSES...CHERISH EVERY MOMENT - before I know it they'll be driving off to college and I'll be old (ok...not techinically...I think I'll be 46 when my youngest child is 20.) This wasn't going to be my post today...I was going to give updates and share funny stories about the day...but this picture found me first and I can't think of any other thing except "where is time going?" So...today's goal - cease the moment and love em' up.

Tis the Season

2011-05-29T16:19:00.005-04:00

It's that time of year again....pink toenail polish weather, endless trips to the refrigerator for something *cool* to drink, higher water bills due to hours of fun in the sun with kiddie pools.....ahhhhh, summer is upon us. Oh, for those of you judging my toe nail painting capabilities....this was just the first coat OVER old polish (oh PUHHHHLEASE...like you've never done that before...a girl doesn't always have time to remove the old stuff.)

Zac discovered that slip and slides cost only a mere five bucks at the local Dollar General...who needs a water park?! Our yard is starting to resemble a redneck water fun zone though...seriously. We have two kiddie pools, a slip and slide, sprinkler, and a big plastic play house. Not the most attractive yard decor - but super fun and cheap entertainment is hard to beat.

Zac has to demonstrate to Brady just *how it's done* at least 20 times a day before Brady really "gets it." When he does do it correctly and makes it all the way down to the end of the slip and slide...joy is felt by all. :)

The other nice thing about hours in the sun is the kids are totally exhausted when they come inside and they take super great naps. It's just so fulfilling being in the sun and soaking up all that good vitamin D, drinking lots of water...craving fresh fruit. Ahhhh....I love being warm.

Today is special for our family on two counts. One...baby Finn turned a month old and is doing wonderfully. His belly button is all healed up, he's gaining weight (I have no idea how much since we kind of ...errrr....skip doctor's appointments)and he's letting me get a little more rest these days. The second part of our life that is fun/different is that zac is coaching his very last soccer game this afternoon and won't be getting another team for quite awhile. He is at least taking the summer and fall off to just have a change of pace and to be around here ALL THE TIME on his off days. Listen folks....four kids is a lot of work at present and I'm SOO happy to know I'll have him around even more for help, emotional support....and just to enjoy our family. Also, it wouldn't be fair to his team if he was set up to be there coach for the fall with us potentially moving. This will mean a little less income for our family but it'll work out. I'm just happy about a change.

Stop the Ride

2011-05-25T19:46:00.006-04:00

I know that the Bible tells me that God will give me nothing in my life that is to big for me to handle...with Him. I know that He brings people and circumstances into my life to grow me up...to make me a better person - a more serving person. I know this. I'm not finding that this knowledge is comforting to me on a daily basis though...it just isn't - that's honest. Everyday...every second, minute, hour seems like an emotional roller coaster in our house. Some days I'm happy to go on the ride...some days I just want to scream for the ride to stop and for the ticket man to give me my money back...this wasn't the kind of ride I payed for.
Living with a child with AS (Asbergers) is not easy in any way. Zac and I were talking yesterday about how it seems like Brady is doing worse then ever. I don't actually think that HE is worse...I just think that all of his little differences are more noticeable and harder to take now that he is older...they just stand out more. He is louder...he yells at me on a daily basis(but now that he has a huge vocabulary his words can be quite...well...shall we say "bold"),he is more hyper than ever before....he is ALWAYS bored. Always.
When family was here for the last couple of weeks he was a little better just because there were a lot of changes and people to keep his brain occupied. There was actually only one screaming meltdown while grandparents were around...I believe Mama C was here for that. :) When he's home with me all day he is easily frustrated because there is just NO WAY that I can ONLY be his mother. He wants me to do everything for him all day...listen to him all day long about whatever is in his brain....play with him, watch him play his computer game...only cook foods that he likes. If I dare do anything that is contrary to what he wants (and it happens often since he can't run my life but the fact is that he doesn't KNOW he is) then there are huge struggles. Something as simple as him asking for a glass of water can be frustrating because if the water isn't cold enough he won't drink it...he gets REALLY made because he says that water is suppose to be "fresh" and he equates "fresh" with "cold." I'm forever filling up the water pitcher and keeping it in the fridge just to make sure that he doesn't freak out if we are low on "fresh" drinking water. Today I was exercising and he ran past me at 100 miles per hour (remember that he is actually Cheetah man) and his head smashed into my eyebrow bone. Well, I was the one that got hurt - not him. I mean it hurt BAD and I had a headache for at least a hour...not to mention that I was super hot from exercising and my heart rate was already escalated. He became IRATE that I was upset about being hurt. I mean he was mad...screaming, crying, completely out of control. I was definitely not in control of myself either so I asked him to go into another room so mommy could cool down. This took 45 minutes. The point is that his brain just doesn't know how to respond to pain or emotions. Sometimes I'm very understanding of this but when I have one bad moment of being impatient out of 3 days of BEING patient I feel like a complete failure and like I'm screwing up this precious gift of a child. Grrrrrrr. Sometimes I don't understand why God gave ME...Alyssa...a child that takes 100% MORE patience to raise on a daily basis than a *normal* child. Someday...in my 50's...perhaps I will know. One thing for sure...when Tristan cries a little or is upset...or a child in a grocery store his throwing a tantrum - it doesn't affect me AT ALL. Yes, someday I will have the patience of Job - I will be known as the Patience Queen. I'll write books and give conferences....sell little stuffed bears that are embroidered with a giant "P"...I may even have my own fragrance line "Patience X 4" or some other catching name. Watch for it peeps...watch for it.
I love Brady more than words could ever express....I would do anything for him - I'm just tired. Tomorrow will be better...but today I'm tired and I'm glad it's bedtime and my ears and heart can have a break. :)

There have been happy times though...here and there...that's how our life is. There will be a hour of unruly craziness where the family feels like it's just a MESS, and then there are sweet times and lovely memories made. Tristan and Trinity are in love with the pool ever since the sun decided to show itself on a daily basis. Trist would be out there for hours and hours if we let him (his skin is super fair so I have to bring him in for breaks often.)

I know that God gives me sweet moments to even out the rough ones. These little kids are just WORK yall...they just take up every part of your being. They just exhaust you emotionally and physically...my heart breaks and then....chocolate chip cookie making in the kitchen, or forts made out of the dining room table and blankets...or hugs and kisses and funny little words start healing all of those hurts and my heart becomes whole again...I'm refreshed and ready for another round. Being a mother is so fulfilling. It's what I've always wanted to be and what I decided to make my life about - I never imagined what it was that I was asking for and at the same time...a small part of me thinks I knew exactly what it was that I was asking for - and I wanted it anyway.

The kids were stoked about having pancakes for dinner the other night. My *silly face cakes* were inspired by Ihop except mine have faces made out of fruit stuck on with cream cheese...theirs were all cool whip and chocolate chips. :) I also made turkey bacon and the kids used that as hair and kept biting off pieces to give their pancakes a *trim.*

And this little Snuggle Bug...he just takes it all in. I wonder what he thinks about all the noise and chaos - I'm guessing it comforts him since he's been part of it ever since he was conceived. The nurses told me that they thought he was probably just cranky at the hospital because it was so quiet there. One lady came in and said "don't you have other children?" I told them "sure enough" and they said that Finn was use to the noise from when he was in utero and that's why he was upset...and he needed more food than just colostrum since he was such a big boy. :)

Another Day, Another Thought...or Two

2011-05-21T20:14:00.005-04:00

The last couple of days have been warmer....allowing us to let the kids run free (well...not really free as in naked free or run into the neighbor's yard free) and crazy several times a day. This happens MORE when Zac is home though because I'm having a hard time chasing Tristan all around while trying to take care of Finn..take care of Brady...take care of Trin - you get my point. Yes indeed, I'm definitely feeling the proverbial *pulled in all different directions.* These days two sets of hands are totally better then one. :)

And speaking of TWO sets of hands...I'm so thankful the other pair belongs to this hunk (the man...not the baby.) He is the most helpful husband anyone could ever desire....he makes me smile everyday, he's been so encouraging to me - even on days when I'm feeling a bit of the *baby blues.* He's a keeper.

This afternoon I ran to the store to get some supplies and when I came home Zac was on the porch slicing up a cold watermelon...all the kids came running to me dripping with sticky juice. It made such a beautiful picture. Moments like these...hot sunny days with refreshing treats, bible stories at bedtime, warm bubble baths, new comfy pajamas, surprise *suppers* out on the town....I hope so badly that my kids will remember these good times. I know that I will cherish them, sometimes I need to be reminded to just stop for a moment and take it all in and see it as good. I feel like sometimes I focus so much on the water on the floor after baths, or the sticky hands instead of the sweet smiles, or I see the "unhealthy suppers" instead of the "surprise" - I'm really trying to change my focus and see the sweetness in the day.

Speaking of sweetness...I'm glad the kids got their watermelon fix before I came home because i bought a box of ice cream sandwiches. Yep..it's that time of year. I think an ice cream sandwich is just about the most perfect treat....compact, not overly messy...you get your *creamy fix* and your *chocolate fix* all at the same time. Heaven.

Zac coached three soccer games today. In between seeing him I did two loads of dishes, mopped the kitchen, organized and organized some more...prepared meals and cleaned up meals - and then tonight...thanks to Toy Story 3...I was able to have a hour and a half of uninterrupted cooking time. I made a big batch of pico de gallo to be eaten on fish taco's this week and on top of beans and rice, then I made a bowl of fruit salad and finished off with Peanut Butter Oat Muffins. It was feels so fulfilling to have accomplished all of that today and to feel "prepared" or "one step ahead" for the next couple of dinners around here. I think tomorrow I'll try to cook two more things to freeze or just have in the fridge for this week. zac is working tomorrow so I like to stuff projects into my day...makes the lonely time a little less lonely.

Cookies and Critters

2011-05-14T19:18:00.004-04:00

My little snuggle bug was enjoying Gran Jan today ... totally in a slumbering heaven. Bug has been doing so well and I'm thrilled that he has turned out to be an *easy* baby for the moment - I feel blessed that so far none of my kiddos have had food allergies or the "grumpy" time once a day that I've heard about....knock on wood.

After mom left this afternoon, I got my perverbial *second wind* and enjoyed baking cookies with Trinity. I felt so much like my old self today...being able to bake and snap pictures, make the kids dinner, bathe all of them BY MYSELF...it's SO nice having my mobility back and my emotions in check. Feels good to know that I'm not really an emotional basket case and a couch potato - I was starting to wonder.

Brady has been Cheetah Man all day so he missed out on the cookie fun...he still got some samples. Tonight I went into his room to put him to bed and he had fashioned himself a cave out of his mattress and some other pillows for him to sleep in - his last words to me after his night time prayer was "mom, did you know Cheetahs chase Gazelles?" I'm not sure how long Cheetah man will be living with us...I sure have learned a bunch though about wildlife in general - he is a wealth of knowledge.

Speaking of wildlife...we have made the difficult decision to get rid of "kitty kitty." Some of you know that I am NOT an animal person...but when a little smoky gray cat showed up on our porch a year ago there was part of me that just wanted him to stay...maybe the childhood memories of my beloved Tom cat - T.C. Anyways, he was a hungry little critter so I started feeding it once the kids fell in love with him...he has the BEST temperament for a cat I've ever seen. Little kids will come over and chase him, pull on him and get right up in his face and he just "meows." BUT...I detest cat hair with a passion. Even though he only stays on the porch he has begun to take his afternoon siestas in MY outdoor chair...he has scratched up our door and NOW of all things...we have found him using our gravel driveway (a.k.a children's playground and entertainment spot) as his private latrine. This is no good. So, tomorrow we will be saying good bye and good luck to our little friend....I feel like a monster.

Changes

2011-05-13T20:10:00.002-04:00

Life has changed so much since Finn has become part of our *world.* Tristan is no longer the baby...in a blink he changed from our littlest to our chunky little Koala Bear...almost two. He is still just as cuddly as ever...but he looks like such a big boy.
Trinity loves being older than TWO other kids in the family...she giggles every time Tristan says a new word or Finn coos or ahhs. She's quick to tell me when the baby is crying and is quite the big helper around the house. She has had some hard times too...just adjusting to a change in routine and adjusting to the new family dynamics. I'm confident though that she will remain her sweet little lovable self....she just has to be reminded now and then who SHE is.
Brady loves having his Gran Jan around and had so much fun taking rides in my parents big Ford truck. It's fun for the kids to be able to look forward to visits from other people....normally they just see me and Zac ALL of the time with hardly any kind of outlet. Speaking of outlets....Brady is currently working with zac on making a little movie titled "Cheetah Man" - should be a hoot. Brayden has been this so called "cheetah man" now for about 3 weeks....racing through our home at 2,000 miles per hour...he has the power to fly as well as zapping anything that needs zapping. Today he drew pictures of what the previews on his movie would be...as well as the FBI warning. He's pretty obsessed with the idea that if you copy a movie you'll go to jail...it kind of thrills him to have that knowledge. :)

Zac is doing well...pretty anxious to hear from the Denver Fire Department in June. He's had a lot to handle over the last few weeks...I won't go into detail but there has been a LOT. I'm thankful that he's so steady and that he loves all of us so much. He's especially been enjoying hugging me....he keeps telling me how nice it is that he can wrap his arms all the way around me.
And as for me...I'm just thankful that I can MOVE again. It's so nice being able to breathe and walk and hold kids on my lap. Showers are no longer exhausting for me to take...and I'm enjoying most of my old clothes again. It's nice having more that 3 outfits to wear....
I am pretty tired in the early evenings but have had quite a bit of energy during the day...I'm even starting to feel creative already. Since Finn has come I've noticed that I'm so much calmer and even (if this can POSSIBLY be true about me) have felt kind of "laid back." Fun times.
So...there you all have it...another update on the youngest Corley family. No deep thoughts or life changing words from yours truly.... perhaps when I get more than 4-5 hours of sleep on a daily basis. :)

Thank You Lord

2011-05-08T14:28:00.003-04:00

Thank you Lord for beauty that I can see and hold every day. Thank you for good times and bad times...all serving the same purpose...to grow me up. Thank you for my 4 little loves that you have given to me, let them feel that they are my everything and that they each have captured this little mama's heart. Thank you God that you have allowed me to be a mother...not just once or twice...but four times now. When I see my babies, tears come to my eyes from the reality of "fearfully and wonderfully made."

Chilly Weather and Warm Hellos

2011-05-06T19:17:00.008-04:00

Two weeks is a long time to be away from your spouse...period. So with saying that...I would like to say THANK YOU to Mama C for coming a week before Finn was born...and then staying another few days and helping with the kids, cooking me delicious meals, and keeping my laundry pile washed and folded. The kids were so excited that she was coming ...and were so excited for their Granddaddy to join our clan this last Wednesday.

The menfolk set up tents in the yard for the kids to play in...and grammy and granddaddy to sleep in...and then we celebrated *togetherness* with smores....no better way. :)

Tonight though I think they'll be sleeping indoors since the temperature (of course) decided to dip significantly lower then it HAD been. Isn't this picture so snuggly?

Speaking of snuggly....cute as a button Mr. Finn. Oh I love him so...he has the sweetest little lips in the world and has been doing very well since his Mama's milk came in. :)

Thank you all so much for your kind words and *congratulations.* The emotions of the whole "delivery" time have kind of caught up with me off and on...rethinking things too much. Yesterday I actually CRIED because I didn't think that I did a very good job pushing finn out. HA!!!! In retrospect that was a pretty dumb emotion to have...I mean....really? He's out...that's all that matters. It took me ten minutes and the nurses were looking at me like "this girl has no clue what she doing" ... but I'm trying to forget about it. Silly.

Hope you all are doing well and that you have a VERY happy Mother's Day this Sunday.

Introducing Our Newest

2011-05-03T20:36:00.005-04:00

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
(Psalms 127:3-5 ESV)

I'm happy to introduce the newest addition of our family to you.....Finnian Arrow Corley. Zac and I are so proud of our new son and are both totally smitten with him. It feels like we have been waiting on him forever - even though in reality it's only been 9 months. Well...maybe in reality it's been 9 years since we always talked about having 4 children from the very beginning of our relationship. Finn has totally come into our lives and we are feeling so very complete.

The name Finn is Irish/Gaelic and means "fair"...and our Finn is indeed good lookin.' He came out with the best complexion and so very alert and...well....large (but we'll get to that.) His middle name Arrow is a bit different but we named him that to basically confirm what we believe about children...that they are indeed a blessing. My pregnancy with Finn came at a pretty trying time for us as a family. We already had 3 small children and society was beginning to make us feel a little dumb. We were told several times "what? oh my word how can you handle that" or "children are so expensive" or even "don't you think you've contributed enough to the planet's population." It would have been very easy to doubt what God tells us is *good* and to believe that we had made a mistake...that we wouldn't be able to be good parents to ALL of the kids, that we couldn't provide for them on one small income...that our oldest is special needs and adding one more to the family would be irresponsible.
God tells us that children our "arrows in the hand of a warrior." Children are tools that He uses in our lives for good...children can open relationships up with others, they allow us to in a small sense understand God's love for His Son, they give us a sense of *purpose*, they provide opportunities to serve others and to be served. Children are a weapon against selfishness and loneliness, and hopefully when they are older they will be good friends and even take care of us in return for our good care of them. Let me also state that God doesn't say what type of "child"...he simply says "children." This means ALL...adopted, premature, children of all races, kids with disabilites...all different personalities. Any child is an *arrow.*

So, we named him Finnian Arrow to tell the world that this pregnancy was no mistake and that God tells us that He will never give us more than we can handle. Let me also say that learning about Brady's Asbergers the month before Finn was born was also a good thing...I see how God timed Brady's diagnosis perfectly. I think that if maybe we would have known last year what we know now ...we may have chosen to not add another family member...I'm so thankful that we have our sweet baby.

And now for a very short run down on what happened....and I'm keeping it short ONLY because I'm tired and ready to be done typing now. :)

Friday Zac's mom was sweet enough to watch the kids for us so we could go on a three mile hike to a waterfall. Yessssss indeed...I walked 1.5 miles uphill. The next day the whole family went on a two mile hike...again adding some hills and going at a pretty brisk pace. That night (well, Sunday early morning) I woke up with spotting and some contractions. When I say "some" I mean only two in a hour. They were like that until about 9 in the morning where then they were 15 minutes apart. By 11 am they were about 10 minutes apart and not super intense...but significant. Zac and I went grocery shopping and went to Panera for a smoothie lunch. There was once during my meal that my contraction was super intense and I was trying not to glare at the people at the table next to me (they weren't even looking at me...it's just the way I get when I'm having contractions folks.) We went home so I could rest but then every time I had a contraction it was really intense but still 10 minutes apart so I wanted to wait it out.

At 2 pm zac asked me if I was ready to go to the hospital and I looked at him and said "are you ready for me to go to the hospital?" He said he was. :) So, we got in the car and by the time we had gotten just a mile down the road I had to have him stop the car so I could get out and get through the contraction...by the time we had gotten half way to the hospital (about 15 minutes in the car) they were three minutes apart and I was feeling very VERY upset. When we got to the hospital I jumped out of the minivan and wanted to run. I've never felt so crazy in all my life...if I could imagine having the "shakes" from some crazy addiction...I think that's what it would feel like.

We ran into the hospital and threw my admission papers at the nurse, I wouldn't lay down except for them to check me and I was 8 cm dialated...the doctor was 20 minutes away so they prepared the room as I walked all around the room making crazy remarks about how I couldn't believe this was happening to me and I just needed to push...the doctor got there and checked me and said "ok, we're having a baby." I laid back and screamed like a amazon woman...and popped that "little" dude out.....all 9 lbs 13 oz of him - 100% naturally...not even a numbing shot. I was checked in at 2:50 pm and he was born at 3:50 pm. Let me just say...I am so thankful that Zac was ready for me to get to the hospital or HE would been delivering Finn in the Ford Windstar on the interstate.

Eight Centimeters To Go

2011-04-19T20:19:00.002-04:00

I've been trying to get this baby to come out of me...everything anyone COULD try I've been trying it. He may not be that big, but I'm ready to have his little butt diapered and wrapped in a receiving blanket then under my right set of ribs. As of Monday I was 80% effaced so things are indeed happening...I'm just being impatient as usual.
Severe mood swings have been upon me...today a huge serge in energy and I scrubbed the whole house. When I say "whole" house I mean...I washed the shower curtain, decluttered closets...even wiped down the hot water heater. My ice craving has gotten even worse, so bad that last night I was in bed, pjs on and I got up and drove 20 minutes to the closest Sonic to buy a bag of ice. Yes - at 10:45 at night I was on a ice hunt. I didn't realize I was out until that evening and I almost had a panic attach thinking of going today (Zac had the van) without it.
Here's to hydration and hopefully going into labor in the next couple of days.

Diagnosis

2011-04-14T19:32:00.003-04:00

I've written most of our family an update on Brady's appointment but will also share here too...sorry if it is a bit redundant for some of you. :) Zac and I met this morning with the dr. and went over Brady's test results...lots of graphs and charts that compare his *skills* with other kids his age. His verbal skills (as far a what he understands conversationally and his vocabulary) were pretty much through the roof. Then when it came to math skills or anything that required any type of attention span was extremely poor. His coordination wasn't good...he couldn't complete tasks like standing on one leg or walking with one foot in front of the other....he couldn't really wipe his nose by himself...stuff like that. Also his social skills and the chart that shows his levels of *frustration* and anxiety were also through the roof...a normal kids would be in the 80 to 100 range and Brady was past 120. So, all that to say that Brady has been officially diagnosed with Asbergers Syndrome, he also tested very high for ADHD (kind of goes with Asbergers) and he will also need speech therapy as he studders VERY badly when he gets excited at all. My mind has been whirling all day...I knew this would be the outcome but there's just something about talking to a professional and looking at charts and graphs and all that jazz - it was just so real. Basically Brady has no type of sensor on social skills, he has no self control. He immediately does what comes to mind and Zac and I have had to closely moniter every move he makes for years now...it is exhausting. We were advised to continue some type of therapy for our family as having a child with Aspergers puts a huge strain on your family dynamics. Things have been this way for awhile...simple things like going to a restaurant or over to someone's house for dinner have basically been out of the question for us for years. The mall, church, VBS, play dates...anything....has presented a huge challenge. So...now that we have a diagnosis we are hopeful that we can now find someone to help us with tools - Brady doesn't respond to discipline or correction like an average child would....he doesn't have empathy for others....he is obsessive when his life changes in any way. Right now with the baby coming, well...the Dr. said that we can just expect him to be very obsessive and volatile.He senses that something is happening and it's upsetting to him. Dr. McGee said that he knows of no good programs in this area for children with Asbergers and that no schools in Hamilton County cater to this type of disability. I'm realizing more and more that I'm not going to be able to teach him at home...I will if we stay here...but this is one of the reasons why we long to move to an area where there will be more resources for our Brady Bunches. We have an overflowing amount of love for him and want to be the best parents we can be...at the same time there is a part of us that feels defeated and totally exhausted with the daily task of just living with him. I know that sounds harsh...but it is our reality and it's best to face the emotions instead of trying to ignore them or cover them up. I wish I was handling this whole situation with a little more grace and dignity but right now it just hurts. It's hard realizing that expectations you have for your life...good expectations...aren't necessarily the ones that God has for you.

Jonah Day

2011-04-13T17:12:00.003-04:00

In the words of Anne of Green Gables "Oh Marilla, its been such a Jonah day." To be sure...I think all of the past week's stress and uncomfortableness and turmoil finally mounded over on me and I freaked out. Freaked out as in....if you were standing outside my bedroom window it would have sounded like a tribal squaw wailing for her lost brave. Yes...the pain inside and outside and EVERYWHERE came to a head and I lost it. For all of you concerned readers...no one was physically or verbally harmed. My children didn't even realize that mama was having a near break down...all they know is that daddy came home a day early. Yes indeed....thank the Lord for a compassionate husband. I swallowed my pride and gave him a phone call...basically just saying that "Alyssa has had enough." I hate making that phone call...I feel very weak having to ask for help sometimes. There is this part of me that says "you chose to make *stay at home mom* your job....so do it!" Sometimes I wish so badly there was someone else that could come over...to lend a hand or encourage me so that I wouldn't have to call my hubby away from his job. But...at the same time, I'm realizing that we ARE his first priority....and he does have sick time stored up. So.... I've now spent almost the entire day in my bed on my side...trying to get my stomach muscles to relax a bit. This baby just feels SO large I can't even describe it. I seriously felt like I was suffocating for two straight hours...my ribs feel bruised and there is constant pain in my thighs, groin, and lower pelvic regions. Yes indeed Mr Finn is welcome ANY DAY NOW. His diaper bag is packed.... In short....I believe that what it all boiled down to is that I finally was truly feeling....just feeling all of it. I've been a bit anxious about our meeting with Dr. McGee tomorrow, my body is in constant pain, I'm tired from my long week alone last week...and I'm starting to get pretty nervous about pushing out this rather large baby. The ultrasound technician told me on Monday that the baby is measuring like he's over 39 weeks instead of 37 - so either Finn is coming a bit early or he's just going to be a rather large man child. I'm keeping my fingers crossed he comes early. It's been so nice having Zac home...he loved visiting family in Colorado but neither he nor I do very well apart. He brought Brady back a Colorado Rockies baseball cap...a stuffed Koala for our little Koala, and a little bear wearing a Denver Fire Department Hoodie for Trin. The kids were super excited....Tristan thinks that his new stuffed friend is a great teething agent...

So today not only is Zac handling all the meals, taking care of me, and he's going back to work once the kids are in bed....he also played bubbles with them and went to the local farm for a gallon of milk. Seriously...what would I do without him? There's a shortage of really good men in the world...I'm glad I snagged one early on in life.

Third Appointment

2011-04-07T17:35:00.004-04:00

I've been a bit brain dead in the evenings...thus the long gap here between this post and my last. I forgot to write about Brady's last appointment...and really there isn't a whole bunch to tell. EXCEPT, the doctor said that instead of testing Brady next week he wants to talk to Zac and I alone. So...maybe some answers sooner then expected?

I've been doing okay since Zac left Saturday night...thanks to my friend Joy and her opening up her home to Miss Trin. She took Trinity for two nights which helped me IMMENSLEY as far as being able to spend one on one time with Brady and keeping the drama down. Trin and Brady's dynamics are rather...welllll....Brady just doesn't do well with other children - including his sister. :( Trini had a great time but I'm glad to have my little girl home.

Hips, Pain, and Love

2011-04-02T08:22:00.003-04:00

So I'm feeling very brave posting this picture so early in the morning - like they say 'a picture speaks a thousand words'....or something like that. I hope this one sends the message out there "I am large, I know it...I am uncomfortable....I know it - come early baby." I figured out through a little *search engine* action exactly what has been going wrong with me for the past 5 months. There's a little paragraph about it here ....but basically there is this hormone when your pregnant that softens the pelvic regions and makes standing on one foot painful...rolling over in bed totaly excruciating...and I have it to the max. I'm trying to just take hot baths and do squats and such to help baby move down...but really I don't want him to be too far down since I'll be alone this upcoming week. :) I'm 36 weeks now and the doctor says doing very well....1 cm dialated. Hurrah....only 9 cm to go! I dream of baby Finn in the evenings...can't wait to see his little face and smell his little body. Pregnancy this time has filled me with so many strange feelings....but one has stayed the same....complete love and an obsession with this little person I haven't met yet.

Holland

2011-04-01T12:20:00.005-04:00

Zac took Brady yesterday morning for his first one on one with D. McGee. Really all that the testing involved was Brady answering questions, drawing pictures...that sort of thing. Not really much to tell there, we're just still plugging away trying to make sense out of what our *new* life might involve. To be honest, this week I've been quite sad. I've had extreme ups and downs - feeling so happy that we are getting answers and will be equipped with tools that will help our family function, and there is another part of me that is grieving the *idea* of a life that isn't going to be my reality. I love Brady so much and wouldn't trade him for another child EVER...but I feel lonely and confused...lonely in a way that I've never felt before. I think it comes from just knowing that most of my friends can't fully relate to what we are going through...they are very kind and understanding...but they just don't get it. It's like when you have a specific pain and you try so hard to explain it to someone and they ask if there is anything they can do..but they don't feel it. My sister in law Cari called me the other night and was a huge source of encouragement for me. Not only does she have two adopted children (and there are struggles there) but also a child with Fragile X - I think she is going to be one of the tools God uses in our lives...she has so much knowledge now that she's been down the road of *Special Needs* for over 16 years. Anyways, she shared this poem with me that is puts my feelings into words and actually made me cry the first time she read it to me because it's just...well....it.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.

You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum.

The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands.

The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books.

And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.

But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around....and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ..... about Holland.

For Sale....

2011-03-29T10:29:00.011-04:00

I've been doing what I'm best at....decluttering. Seriously though...where does it all come from? I get rid of a bag a week - it's always my goal. Everytime I go through the house cleaning, ANYTHING I find that isn't used on a weekly basis or that doesn't fit quite right, or that I don't ABSOLUTELY love...get's tossed. This has made living in a smaller place much easier. It's funny because last week for a Bible study I was suppose to ask zac what I do that makes him feel loved...he cracked me up by saying "you keep the house organized so I don't go crazy." Ha ha...him and me both.

Ecspecially when you are getting a house ready to sell it's SO important to clean out every spot...allowing the buyer to actually view the space instead of your personal possessions. This picture above is off our office space (this is "pre-clutter" clearing) that I just wanted to show family that has seen our house but never the back room turned into an office. Brady also sleeps back here on a fold out mattress that we have to lay down and make up every night. Can I just say that I am SOOO ready for my sweet little boy to have his very own space? I have so many ideas of how to decorate it and how to set it up so that he will have a nice area to play and imagine....a little desk for his computer and shelves for books on *intellectual* subjects. :) Brady is currently into reading nutrition labels on ALL of our food - it's so funny to hear him say "oh my gosh, this has WAY to many calories."

Here's the living room space and dining room...children do NOT come with the house even though Zac and I teased Trinity yesterday that we were going to sell her too. Brady freaked out (don't worry, we explained it was a joke) but Trinity being such a social butterfly just wanted to know what the names of the people in her new family would be. Nice to know how very attatched to us she is.

All in all, it has been a very busy yet productive week for the Corley family. We basically got the house *in shape * all week...Zac and I successfully wore ourselves out. But, I'm pleased to announce that today there is a sign in the yard and a lock box on my front door. Our realtor constantly calls our house charming and "a little doll house" and loves it. He says it is turn key - unfortunately houses the size of our home are selling for much less then we need to sell our house for with all of the foreclosures. BUT, like our realtor (Matt) says...and I totally agree....all of those houses are so very ugly and not updated at all. Seriously...they look horrible. So, please remember to pray for a buyer for us - we know God will bring one along when it is time - but this waiting game is getting pretty exasperating. Hmmmm...I know,I know....once again my *trusting* issue is coming into play.

Anyways, we're feeling pretty accomplished with getting the house fixed up and officially listed, Brady's first appointment done, Zac is flying out on Saturday for his week long stay in Denver...I'm on my way to being 36 weeks - things are definitely moving along. My list of *things to be done* is gradually becoming smaller. EXCEPT, I did realize that I still need a baby book for Finn, a neautral diaper bag (man friendly), and a baby blankie. Yikes. I was seriously freaking out the other night because I realized that I have totally forgotten to get him a baby book and that I would go into labor early and have nothing to get his little footprints on. I'll be taking care of this issue TODAY.

These last pictures are just to show off some of my favorite "newness." I cleared more space out in our bedroom and I love the way it turned out. I LOVE light greens and light blues mixed with chocolate brown - I think I always have but it is by far my most favorite color combination...so very calming. Calm = Neccessity in my life right now.

And last but not least...we have officially re done our bathroom. The pink sink is no longer...

Zac worked two long days(sometimes Brady helped) and I have decided that my hubby is definitely a true handyman...

I mean - just lookie here! Isn't it lovely? We used the left over butcher block from our kitchen to make a new vanity top, and just chose a simple white basin sink and then we used glass tiles for the border. I LOVE those tiles and they were so easy to install...I like the fact I can now envision things, ask Zac to bring them to pass, and he can do it.

This week is basically just going to be full of errands and family time and getting things ready for Zac's trip. Brady has his second appointment (his first one on on with Dr McGee) this upcoming Thursday and I have tons of personality questionaires to fill out.

I hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday...once again I'm sorry for the rather long and crazy post.

First Appointment

2011-03-24T14:42:00.004-04:00

Okay...so horrible blurry picture - but I needed one of my *subject.* I just wanted to give a quick update about Brady's appointment today as I know that ecspecially our family is anxious to hear the news.

Basically, the three of us (Brady, zac, and myself) sat down with Dr. McGee...a Christian child specialist....and started out the appointment us basically telling him what has been going on in Brady's life for the past three years. Gosh - talk about making you think. I mean, there are some things that are super *different* about Brady that I don't normally even think about anymore - I've just kind of accepted them and have learned to basically deal and to "cope" with them - so actually thinking about everything was a little overwhelming for me...and a bit relieving.

After telling the Dr. about his high sensitivity to noises, smells, movement...his extreme frustration...his high IQ and his obsessiveness we then filled out a paper where we had to check off things that would be relavent to Brady. You know what I mean....like "which ones of these things are true for your child"...anyways, Zac and I checked EVERYTHING. ALL of the things were relevant and all of them were things that stimulate Brady and usually cause meltdowns and behavior craziness. The Dr. had folded down the top of the paper so that we couldn't see what it was he was kind of "testing" for but in the end he showed us that it was for Asperger's Syndrome.

This wasn't a big surprise for us since we have kind of guessed for the last couple of years that Brady might fall in that category...and then lately we have been more and more sure of it but not wanting to put our child in a box or self diagnose. Dr. McGee was very quick to tell us that he would NOT diagnose Brady after just a 40 minute session....so he is scheduled over the next 5 weeks to have 5 hours of testing. Brady was a good boy and displayed his total self while we were there....solving puzzles, whisteling constantly, obsessed with which number was on the door...all that good stuff that makes him Brady. :)

I think in the end I feel a sense of hope that we will be receiving answers soon and will know how to better help our child function in his world. I've realized that even if we don't want to put him in a box...the truth is...some people are. I mean, no one wants to admit that they are bi polar or depressed...or that they have cancer - but this is just the simple truth of living in a fallen world where sin exists. There are so many behaviors that he displays that if you deal with them in a *normal* manner it is very frustrating for him and in the end produces no positive results. My prayer is that we would learn how to help him to be productive and to learn how to calm down some of his frustrations, how to help our family be more *peaceful.*

So, I guess what I would ask is that everyone that reads my blog who is an active member in our lives or would like to pray for us - for you to just look up Asbergers sometime so that you can get a better idea of what is going on with our little dude. Even if in the end evaluation this isn't what they are 100% sure that he has....it is VERY VERY close. I want Brady to be understood...and I know that just the person walking on the street or in the grocery store isn't going to understand him...but I would like our friends and family to. This will also help ME out in that I am usually very nervous about other's being around Brady...that they will unknowingly talk to him in a way that he doesn't understand or is hurtful to him...or that they will expect things from him that just aren't realistic.

So, there you have it in a nutshell. We have paperwork to fill out this week and then I take him back for his first one on one with Dr. McGee next week. Thank you for your love and support...

Alyssa

dirt lovers...

2011-03-23T13:16:00.005-04:00

Tristan loves dirt...loves touching it, throwing it (thankfully not at people) and sometimes eating it. Okay...he ALWAYS loves eating it but we are almost done *encouraging* him that this isn't a suitable food. A little dirt goes a long way...he would eat handfuls and handfuls of it - and don't even get me started on rocks! I've spent so much time digging them out of his mouth I've actually thought about making him a necklace out of them so he could at least chew on them without swallowing.

Lately his love for dirt has brought me great relief. Allow me to explain:

We have the WORST yard for toddlers. I understand that not having a yard with toddlers is actually the worst...but if you DID have a toddler and you DID have a yard...ours just isn't the best. "Oh, but your yard is so big and lovely...full of flowers and trees" you might argue. Yes indeed...it sure is big. And when you're 8 months pregnant and having to chase a 25 lb child all over a half acre....it's a bit taxing on the ol' body. See....our yard isn't fenced and right down the drive way is a highway with a speed limit of 55. Trinity actually crossed that highway by HERSELF when she was about 18 months and after that....let's just say that this mama's heart has never quite recovered. Between trying to keep Tristy out of the neighbors yard, away from the trailor in the back of our house....and AWAY from the highway - it's just all very overwhelming.

Brady and Trinity are fine now to play outside by themselves...they know the rules and follow them...but Tristan is still in that learning stage and unfortunately for him...I'm in that "large stage." So, my dilemma has been that it is FINALLY warm and beautiful and perfect outdoor weather...and I've only been able to take him out for about 45 minutes a day. So sad too when the other kids are out there and he is just crying at the door wanting so badly to be with them in the warm spring air...and I'm passed out on the floor with burning feet. Sometime I dream of glass sliding doors that open up to just a nice small fenced in yard...one just big enough for a small herb garden and a patio. Ahhhhh...

Anyways, getting back on topic...this is where my relief comes in - Tristan has started just sitting and playing in dirt for about a hour at a time. He is super content just to sit with a shovel and dig and dig and dig. This allows me to be able to sit in my new comfy fold up chair (zac got me a rather large camping chair that has back support that is made for *heftier* folk...he came home and said "look Alyssa, it says for up to 400 pounds!" thanks dear) Then...when the little dude does decide to run, I still have energy for the previously mentioned "chase" game he loves to play.

And those little bare feet....he's obsessed with the game This Little Piggy. :)

And on to just a little family update...I've been absent from this space for awhile and feel the need to let you all know *what is going on.*

Tomorrow morning we will be going for Brady's first meeting with a child specialist. Zac and I are both suppose to go and have the 'get to know you' appointment and then after that Brady will go one time every week for 6 weeks. I'm a bit nervous because the evaluation day is actually set on the same day as Finn's due date so I may need to try and change that...but it's VERY hard to reschedule with Dr. McGee as he's the best of the best....I mean, we've been waiting for 5 months to get in to see him.

Next, we are still working on the house and have an appointment next Monday with our realtor and will be listing it that day. This brings a little stress in the way that the house needs to be ready to be *scene* at any time...not an easy feat with little kids and daily living. Zac is suppose to be putting in a new bathroom sink tomorrow when he is off work and we still have some more organizing to do. It's really just all craziness but we're are totally outgrowing our house. I mean...we're about to be a family of 6 with 2 bedrooms. Brady really needs his own room and I have this thing about wanting my daughter not to share a room with brothers. I know that right now it would be okay since they are little but...I would just really prefer that she have her own space.

Another major thing going on for us is that Zac is flying to Denver on April 2nd in the evening and won't be coming home until the 10th. I'm really trying to not dwell on the fact that I will be 37 weeks pregnant and alone for a week with three kids...I'm trying REALLY hard to just realize that I'm going to be fine...we will do fun things...I will call upon friends - and hopefully not go into labor. Hopefully. I want zac to be able to enjoy his time in the west and hopefully do really well in the interviews and testing...and so I know that I need to stay positive basically so EVERYONE can be positive. Like they say "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

And lastly....just a little ramble about what is going on inside of me for those of you who are interested. I met with my dear friend yesterday to do our study together and the time was SO enlightening for me. Basically we were talking about how all God wants from us in this life is for us to glorify Him...and the way we do that is through obedience. Well, I've know this but the hard part for me is that I put the whole concept of *obedience* into a box and it looks only one way. I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis and what it comes down to is that I am(and have always) put a huge amount of pressure on myself to be basically perfect. It's like I really feel like I'm not pleasing to God if I'm anything other then perfect...which leaves me always very frustrated because striving for perfection is just...well...it will never be.

What perfect looks like to me is : sweet and gentle, wonderful with budgets...being able to feed my family extremely healthily, having all the right things to say at all the right times...making the best decisions all of the time RIGHT now so that a poor decision doesn't mess up my future. So, what's been happening is that all of this pressure on top of the three things I listed at the top of our family update...plus adding another baby to our lives...has basically sent me into a crazed internal state. I'm not glorifying God at all because I'm trying to be perfect and obedient through actions instead of just being me and loving Him and TRUSTING Him. I'm still trying to wrap my head around HOW to give up the control...how to not care if I accidentally make a poor financial decision...or if I have to get fast food one night for the family instead of preparing a meal...I'm still figuring it out. But, I can tell you that just looking at this idea of how I can glorify God through just being Alyssa and not living up to anyone else's standards is freeing....and I hope to continue to grow in this area. I REALLY need to let go...my heart really needs me to let go.

The Way to a Child's Heart....

2011-03-14T18:49:00.006-04:00

I feel very strongly that childhood needs to be peppered with memories such as the smell of freshly baked cookies, milk mustaches, long days in the afternoon sun...Popsicles on the porch...summer fires and smores. Seriously, besides a sunny smile NOTHING will endear you MORE to a child than handing them a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie...still warm from the oven.

Well, allowing them to lick the spoon is pretty high up there on the list too. If it's a really special day they might even get the bowl - if mom doesn't clean it our first. :)

Princesses love cookies..especially with a glass of milk.

Brady is the master of the milk mustache. I love baking and then calling everyone to the table for a couple cookies and a glass of milk...such great bonding time talking, enjoying the afternoon sun shining in the window and hearing my littles laugh and lick their chocolate covered fingers. And then of course we had to read If You Give a Mouse a Cookie...our all time favorite read.

I used the recipe on the back of the Gold Medal Whole Wheat Flour but cut the sugar down a bit and added a cup of chocolate chips instead of a WHOLE bag like the recipe called for. They were plenty chocolaty...here's the recipe with my changes if you want to have a baking day of your own!

Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 cup of butter, softened

1/2 cup of brown sugar

1/2 cup of turbinado sugar

1 egg

1 teaspoon of vanilla

Mix wet ingredients together and then add...

2 cups of whole wheat flour

1 teaspoon of baking soda

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1 cup of semi sweet chocolate chips

Bake for 8-10 minutes at 375 degrees...allow to cool for a minute before transferring to a cooling rack.

These turned out DELICIOUS for a whole wheat cookie.

Spring and "About Ready to Go."

2011-03-13T19:57:00.005-04:00

It was a glorious 71 degrees today...our first WONDERFULLY WARM afternoon...sundress worthy. I did break out one of my old dresses...Trin thought it was new due to the fact that she has only seen me totally covered from head to toe for the last 5 months. A few days ago I was wearing a pair of workout capris and she actually asked me why I was showing my legs. Hmmmm.
The top picture is of the kid's new little play house in all of it horrific ugly plastic pinkness...but perfectly fun and totally FREE. What an awesome gift someone gave us...they were going to give it to a thrift store but heard from an aquaitance about our family and our little stairstep children...their generosity resulted in lots of smiles all around.

Yessiree...spring is upon us and I couldn't be more happy. The bushes along our driveway are in full yellow bloom and *oh so lovely* - they provide excellent entertainment for Trin and her little flower loving heart.

And speaking of spring...I'm growing anxious each passing day (and 100% excited) that we will soon be welcoming another little Corley into our family. Now...I'm not trying to be cruel or pregnant crazy, but I really am hoping with every part of my being that this will be the last child born from my womb. Notice I didn't say "last child in our family"...but definitely LAST child carried for 9 months in my body. Yes - I'm over it. I'm recording these feelings here so that in case I get the "I want another baby" emotions in about 5 years i can look back and see that I indeed do not want to actually birth another baby. I think I will always want another baby...everytime I hold a little newborn or drink in their wonderful *baby powder fresh* scent...see a pregnant belly and someone with the "glow." I'm here to tell you that there are wonderful things about carrying a life...and I've enjoyed them...but the urinating every 10 minutes, feeling like someone is going to just tear through my skin it's stretched so tight...or fall out of my *yahoo* is just getting old. Yes...dear Finn...anytime after about 37 weeks you can and SHOULD feel free to make your grand entrance into this world - I'm ready for you.

As you can see in the top picture...I'm looking pretty normal from the neck up. Possibly even glowing?

From the neck down...well...as the old *greeter* gentleman at Costco said this morning "wow girl, you look like you're about ready to go!!!" For all of you who don't speak "southern"...that's another way of saying "you look full term" or "you're about ready to pop." I'm feeling rather large to say the least. I'm at that glorious stage in pregnancy where all anyone can comment on is how big I am and how I look like the baby should be coming any day now - little do they know I still have 7 weeks. Oh...belly shot picture is courtesy of Miss Trin.

And speaking of Miss Trin...have I ever told you that she is a squirrel and absolutely hilarious. Okay, okay...I know I've briefly explained her cuteness once or twice but really...she is so funny....and gorgeous. Zac and I have been discussing cutting her hair since it is getting pretty hard to keep up with. She tends to NOT keep it in a pony tail and it is always in her food or matted down with leaves and grime from playing outside. She told me today that she wanted me to cut it...gulp. Tonight I combed it out and asked her again if she would like me to go ahead and trim her hair up a bit...like to her shoulders...and she looked in the mirror and said "No, not anymore. I just want my long hair." Well, smiles all around because even though it would be easier at this point on me to have her hair short...I'm afraid I'm pretty partial to the long curls.

Cute Photos Not Happening

2011-03-11T19:49:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure what emotion Trin is expressing here...I think sheer joy that she now is the owner of a big girl bed....courtesy of Ikea. I found the duvet at a thrift store for a dollar a year ago and have been waiting for it to find a home/bed...let me just say that I am a HUGE fan of duvets and their inserts. I LOVE the fact that a top sheet isn't necessary .... this really helps little kids learn to make their beds without being overwhelming to them. And then there is the *oh so good* feeling like you are sleeping under a cloud....ahhhh. I still don't have a nice down comforter but this will change someday...I'm sure of it.

And this expression I think is suppose to resemble a pirate? I was taking a picture of his new shoes ( Old Navy...picture below) and he posed and came up with this face. I think it's because of the skulls or something...he calls them his "pirate shoes." Brady has gotten some really great new duds here lately...I think that since I now know that his clothes can be passed down TWO times I don't mind shelling out a little bit more for some of his clothes...

Yes...that's right..I paid NINE dollars for these...gasp...compared to my normal 3 dollar budget for kid's shoes. I've had a really hard time finding used clothes or even dirt cheap clothes for the kiddos here recently - I think it must be their age or something. Perhaps I shouldn't try to find clothes dirt cheap? Anyways...my philosophy though has change dramatically in the last two years that I will LOVE what I wear, that it WILL be comfortable, that I will have LESS but BETTER. So far I'm liking it...and am using the same thinking for what I find for the kids.

So, my really great blog with lots of photos isn't happening AGAIN because my computer is acting up and I'm unable to upload photos. Grrrrr. I just found out that Zac is also having a class next week too - bringing my grand total of alone time, without a vehicle to 5 out of 6 days. yeehaw. I will definitely be using Sunday (his off day) to buy some groceries and take a LONG shower...sheer joy. I love the feeling of a well stocked fridge and a good long soak (those two things have nothing to do with one another.) Today I've been surviving on basmati rice with butter and salt and walnuts - not having a car really messes with a girl's meal plan yall.

Anyways, hopefully on Sunday Zac can fix the ol' computer and several of my other *isolation issues* and I'll feel all refreshed for Monday and Tuesday. Hope everyone has a swell weekend.