Stop the Ride

I know that the Bible tells me that God will give me nothing in my life that is to big for me to handle...with Him. I know that He brings people and circumstances into my life to grow me up...to make me a better person - a more serving person. I know this. I'm not finding that this knowledge is comforting to me on a daily basis though...it just isn't - that's honest. Everyday...every second, minute, hour seems like an emotional roller coaster in our house. Some days I'm happy to go on the ride...some days I just want to scream for the ride to stop and for the ticket man to give me my money back...this wasn't the kind of ride I payed for.
Living with a child with AS (Asbergers) is not easy in any way. Zac and I were talking yesterday about how it seems like Brady is doing worse then ever. I don't actually think that HE is worse...I just think that all of his little differences are more noticeable and harder to take now that he is older...they just stand out more. He is louder...he yells at me on a daily basis(but now that he has a huge vocabulary his words can be quite...well...shall we say "bold"),he is more hyper than ever before....he is ALWAYS bored. Always.
When family was here for the last couple of weeks he was a little better just because there were a lot of changes and people to keep his brain occupied. There was actually only one screaming meltdown while grandparents were around...I believe Mama C was here for that. :) When he's home with me all day he is easily frustrated because there is just NO WAY that I can ONLY be his mother. He wants me to do everything for him all day...listen to him all day long about whatever is in his brain....play with him, watch him play his computer game...only cook foods that he likes. If I dare do anything that is contrary to what he wants (and it happens often since he can't run my life but the fact is that he doesn't KNOW he is) then there are huge struggles. Something as simple as him asking for a glass of water can be frustrating because if the water isn't cold enough he won't drink it...he gets REALLY made because he says that water is suppose to be "fresh" and he equates "fresh" with "cold." I'm forever filling up the water pitcher and keeping it in the fridge just to make sure that he doesn't freak out if we are low on "fresh" drinking water. Today I was exercising and he ran past me at 100 miles per hour (remember that he is actually Cheetah man) and his head smashed into my eyebrow bone. Well, I was the one that got hurt - not him. I mean it hurt BAD and I had a headache for at least a hour...not to mention that I was super hot from exercising and my heart rate was already escalated. He became IRATE that I was upset about being hurt. I mean he was mad...screaming, crying, completely out of control. I was definitely not in control of myself either so I asked him to go into another room so mommy could cool down. This took 45 minutes. The point is that his brain just doesn't know how to respond to pain or emotions. Sometimes I'm very understanding of this but when I have one bad moment of being impatient out of 3 days of BEING patient I feel like a complete failure and like I'm screwing up this precious gift of a child. Grrrrrrr. Sometimes I don't understand why God gave ME...Alyssa...a child that takes 100% MORE patience to raise on a daily basis than a *normal* child. Someday...in my 50's...perhaps I will know. One thing for sure...when Tristan cries a little or is upset...or a child in a grocery store his throwing a tantrum - it doesn't affect me AT ALL. Yes, someday I will have the patience of Job - I will be known as the Patience Queen. I'll write books and give conferences....sell little stuffed bears that are embroidered with a giant "P"...I may even have my own fragrance line "Patience X 4" or some other catching name. Watch for it peeps...watch for it.
I love Brady more than words could ever express....I would do anything for him - I'm just tired. Tomorrow will be better...but today I'm tired and I'm glad it's bedtime and my ears and heart can have a break. :)

There have been happy times though...here and there...that's how our life is. There will be a hour of unruly craziness where the family feels like it's just a MESS, and then there are sweet times and lovely memories made. Tristan and Trinity are in love with the pool ever since the sun decided to show itself on a daily basis. Trist would be out there for hours and hours if we let him (his skin is super fair so I have to bring him in for breaks often.)

I know that God gives me sweet moments to even out the rough ones. These little kids are just WORK yall...they just take up every part of your being. They just exhaust you emotionally and physically...my heart breaks and then....chocolate chip cookie making in the kitchen, or forts made out of the dining room table and blankets...or hugs and kisses and funny little words start healing all of those hurts and my heart becomes whole again...I'm refreshed and ready for another round. Being a mother is so fulfilling. It's what I've always wanted to be and what I decided to make my life about - I never imagined what it was that I was asking for and at the same time...a small part of me thinks I knew exactly what it was that I was asking for - and I wanted it anyway.

The kids were stoked about having pancakes for dinner the other night. My *silly face cakes* were inspired by Ihop except mine have faces made out of fruit stuck on with cream cheese...theirs were all cool whip and chocolate chips. :) I also made turkey bacon and the kids used that as hair and kept biting off pieces to give their pancakes a *trim.*

And this little Snuggle Bug...he just takes it all in. I wonder what he thinks about all the noise and chaos - I'm guessing it comforts him since he's been part of it ever since he was conceived. The nurses told me that they thought he was probably just cranky at the hospital because it was so quiet there. One lady came in and said "don't you have other children?" I told them "sure enough" and they said that Finn was use to the noise from when he was in utero and that's why he was upset...and he needed more food than just colostrum since he was such a big boy. :)

Diagnosis

I've written most of our family an update on Brady's appointment but will also share here too...sorry if it is a bit redundant for some of you. :) Zac and I met this morning with the dr. and went over Brady's test results...lots of graphs and charts that compare his *skills* with other kids his age. His verbal skills (as far a what he understands conversationally and his vocabulary) were pretty much through the roof. Then when it came to math skills or anything that required any type of attention span was extremely poor. His coordination wasn't good...he couldn't complete tasks like standing on one leg or walking with one foot in front of the other....he couldn't really wipe his nose by himself...stuff like that. Also his social skills and the chart that shows his levels of *frustration* and anxiety were also through the roof...a normal kids would be in the 80 to 100 range and Brady was past 120. So, all that to say that Brady has been officially diagnosed with Asbergers Syndrome, he also tested very high for ADHD (kind of goes with Asbergers) and he will also need speech therapy as he studders VERY badly when he gets excited at all. My mind has been whirling all day...I knew this would be the outcome but there's just something about talking to a professional and looking at charts and graphs and all that jazz - it was just so real. Basically Brady has no type of sensor on social skills, he has no self control. He immediately does what comes to mind and Zac and I have had to closely moniter every move he makes for years now...it is exhausting. We were advised to continue some type of therapy for our family as having a child with Aspergers puts a huge strain on your family dynamics. Things have been this way for awhile...simple things like going to a restaurant or over to someone's house for dinner have basically been out of the question for us for years. The mall, church, VBS, play dates...anything....has presented a huge challenge. So...now that we have a diagnosis we are hopeful that we can now find someone to help us with tools - Brady doesn't respond to discipline or correction like an average child would....he doesn't have empathy for others....he is obsessive when his life changes in any way. Right now with the baby coming, well...the Dr. said that we can just expect him to be very obsessive and volatile.He senses that something is happening and it's upsetting to him. Dr. McGee said that he knows of no good programs in this area for children with Asbergers and that no schools in Hamilton County cater to this type of disability. I'm realizing more and more that I'm not going to be able to teach him at home...I will if we stay here...but this is one of the reasons why we long to move to an area where there will be more resources for our Brady Bunches. We have an overflowing amount of love for him and want to be the best parents we can be...at the same time there is a part of us that feels defeated and totally exhausted with the daily task of just living with him. I know that sounds harsh...but it is our reality and it's best to face the emotions instead of trying to ignore them or cover them up. I wish I was handling this whole situation with a little more grace and dignity but right now it just hurts. It's hard realizing that expectations you have for your life...good expectations...aren't necessarily the ones that God has for you.