In His Hands

Former life - I use to rule the radio in our car...US 101.7 on every trip down the highway. Country tunes blasting, coffee cup in hand...shades in place and hair blowing....definitely a "wild thing."

Life now as I know it - Sunday School songs for Kids blasting out the minivan, coffee cup STILL in hand, larger shades in place to cover more of my cancer prone areas, hair chopped off in a ponytail.

I love both lives. I loved the freedom before, loved the little Honda car...loved brushing my hair and knowing that it wouldn't be grabbed by little fingers all day(at least I didn't understand that ungrabbed hair was a luxury)and I liked having a pair of smudge free sunglasses (same thing...not realizing all of the "accessories" that little fingers will find entertaining.)

But now....those Bible songs blaring and me knowing in my heart that I'm raising kids to love God, that they are getting a firm foundation in Love just on the way to Wal Mart....my coffee tastes better in the morning now since it has become a life necessity (nothing starts before the coffee pot starts it's rhythmic 'drip' in the morning), my hair is growing back because those little fingers that love to comb through it are missing mommy's locks...and I now have an excuse to own 3 pairs of sunglasses instead of just one. I love this life we live...sometimes it takes sitting down and typing...reevaluating things and getting a fresh perspective...but I know I'm deeply and richly blessed.

Zac and I are in a sort of "honeymoon" stage...loving each other more and more than I ever thought possible. The kids still take most of our time ALL the time, most of our money ALL the time, most of our sanity ALL the time...but we are so happy that our family is growing and that we are learning - that we are on the same page and are one. I've been a little scared the last couple of days about the baby and it's health...I think because I'm SOOO excited that God has blessed me again - but I feel fear popping up now and then that maybe I won't ever meet my little April baby. I know, I know - God doesn't want us to live in fear. At the same time, He allows us to fear...maybe so that we can trust Him more? We need reasons to trust...this is mine now. And then on the way to go pick up a new double stroller (new to us) yesterday the Sunday School for Kids songs were on and this song started and I felt peace.

He's got the whole world, in His hands,

He's got the whole world, in His hands,

He's got the whole world, in His hands,

He's got the whole world in His hands.

He's got the tiny little babies, in His hands

He's got the tiny little babies, in His hands

He's got the tiny little babies, in His hands

He's got the WHOLE world in His hands.

My little baby is in His hands and there is no other place better for it to be...not even in my arms.

Moving On

"The sun will continue to rise and set, whether I fail geometry or not."
- Anne of Green Gables

The last week has been full of sadness and loss....at the same time SO MUCH beauty. I have been able to smile...even laugh...and I am convinced that the world will continue to spin, and I will continue to grow, and we will continue to love....with disappointment or with success - God is still there in our midst and is still good. Brady has been singing the song "Our God Is An Awesome God " over and over again...a little bit redundant but so very good for me to hear.

"Our God is an awesome God,

He reigns,

With Wisdom, Power, and Love,

Our God is an awesome God."

I don't know why God gave and then took away....but I DO know that there was a lot of wisdom involved....His omnipotent power taking place in my life, and His everlasting love wrapped tight around me and Zac.

So much love has come in and out of our home this week...so many good GOOD friends - so selfless and such servants. Cheerful flowers, notes and phone calls...meals and groceries - tokens of love for our little family.

I love you so much my dear sisters....thank you for stocking our fridge and taking care of me...allowing me to truly rest and enjoy one on one time with Zac while I knew that my kids were being well cared for. Such a gift....you'll never know.

We have had a few really nice afternoons as a family...with sunshine and watermelon, sprinklers and wet grass...songs and laughter. Summer is such a special time...such a HOT time, but special just the same. I've been craving smores something fierce and even grilled hot dogs and corn on the cob - I may just have to splurge soon. I KNOW I will splurge soon, no question about it.

It's nice to have a hot ,expert watermelon cutter for a husband. Saves me from having to delve into the sticky mess (the only real drawback to any sort of melon) and it's fun for the kids to grow up with "Dad always cuts the watermelons in our family...." hee hee.

Tristan was in juicy heaven....isn't he getting so big?!

And water play....so fun for everyone on a 99 degree day. We borrowed this sprinkler from my friend Joy and have enjoyed it so much Zac bought one today for us to keep. Brady was so excited that he "owned a sprinkler forever." Look at Tristan in this picture trying to figure out how to crawl in and out of the kiddie pool - he kept getting stuck midway and would just hange there upside down with feet in the air.

He enjoyed the water quite a bit but was back for some more melon....food and him get along VERY well.

Trinity has brought so much joy to my heart the last couple of days. Just watching her and her golden curls, her pretty little dresses and her goofy disposition...she fills my life with beauty. She's such a good little mama taking her baby everywhere with her...making sure to give Abigail naps after playing and always feeding her breakfast in Tristan's highchair. Smiles.

The flowers outside have all bloomed...I had planted a pack of wildflowers in early spring so the kids could have something to pick during the summer. Everyday I get a fresh bouquet of just the heads of the flowers....hardly ever stems. :)

And yesterday and today I have been busy with party preparations for Tristan's first birthday. Yesterday I appliqued a banner and his birthday crown...today I'm busy putting together little party favors for his friends.

And look at these strawberries! I'm going to make vanilla cupcakes with buttercream strawberry frosting....I'm so excited to see how these taste. The kids and I found the recipe in their Sesame Street cook book....they are thrilled that we're actually making them tomorrow....errrr....today sometime.

And just a sneak peak of the little fella and his crown that brought a giggle to his throat and a smile to his lips. I love the idea of creating special family decorations to be used for years and years at different celebrations...this year my goal is to make each of the kids a birthday crown and a string of fabric garland....hopefully a tree skirt for Christmas time and some handmade gift bags....lots of creating to be done.

So, conclusion :

I am still grieving from time to time and I guess I will for quite awhile...at odd moments and over strange things...like pictures of baby feet, the smell of lavender, and people saying " I'm so sorry." BUT, the sun is going to continue to come up in the morning, the kids are still going to make me laugh....there is so much hope in the life of a believer. This doesn't feel like the end of anything...it just feels like the beginning of the next chapter in my life....hopefully a chapter full of grace and service...full of compassion for people hurting and those in need....I think God will use little January forever.

And my dear friend Danyelle sent me these scriptures today and they brought a tears to my eyes...hard to read but so full of truth and promise, God letting ME know that my baby WAS real no matter how small or maybe even "insignifcant" to the medical world.

Hugs to all of you....wish you could come by for a visit and a glass of lemonade...or a birthday cupcake.

Pslam 139

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

Loss, Heartache, and Healing

The last few days have been an absolute roller coaster of emotions....hurt, hope, disappointment, more hope...and then absolute loss.
I had a wonderful morning Friday, meeting my midwife and touring her home....envisioning myself giving birth in her huge garden tub - the entire house was so warm and inviting, lots of natural light...pictures of pregnant bellies and babies everywhere (i didn't realize my midwife was ALSO a photographer.)
I got home and Zac and I were playing with the kids in the yard and I ran in for a restroom break where I noticed that I was spotting. I think my heart stopped at that moment because (being myself) I instantly worry. I ran outside and told Zac, grabbed the keys and ran down to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy test. Zac and I waited for the three minutes(that felt like 3 hours) and it was still positive. I can not even describe the relief that flooded my body....my heart....I just kept thinking "thank you Lord, thank you for not taking my baby."
I didn't realize that if you ARE miscarrying, it takes a while for all of the hormones to get out of your body so taking a pregnancy test right after you start having symptoms usually isn't accurate. Saturday was filled with more tears then I ever thought I had...a lot of worry and a lot more bleeding. I still thought there might be a chance though as long as I just kept still and tried not to worry. Saturday night I fell asleep praying and just telling the baby to please fight hard and just stay alive, mommy wanted him so much.
I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning in the worst pain. My entire body was aching and my stomach felt like someone was punching me over and over again. I hobbled to the bathroom and on my way out collapsed on the floor but was for some reason still trying to convince myself that everything was okay and that there was still a chance, even though deep down inside I knew that it wasn't. The same scenario happened again...went to the bathroom and collapsed...where Zac then called my doctor and was told to go to the ER right away. My friend drove to our house to watch the kids and we sped off to the hospital where I was asked 102 questions and thirsting to death.
One ER doctor came in did a pelvic exam and told me that I was in the middle of a miscarriage. I asked him if there was anyway at all where maybe it would be okay and he just shook his head and said "no mam, I can see the sac and the fetus." After he left I cried so hard, just wondering why this had to happen....why did I let it happen....maybe if I wouldn't have been drinking so much coffee or working so hard or if I had just stopped worrying about the financial part of having the baby...it would have been okay. I looked at Zac and told him that I wish I could see the little baby (I prefer "baby" to "fetus.") I just knew that would go home after all of this and still hold on to the hope that maybe there was still a little heartbeat inside of me....maybe this was all just a big mistake.
I was sent to ultrasound and the lady performing the ultrasound for some reason didn't even realize I was miscarrying. I asked her if Zac could go with me and she just told me that there wasn't enough room in there. I had an internal test (took forever and was extremely uncomfortable) and when she was done I sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed. I looked down to see the mess and gasped. There, lying in a pool of blood was a perfect little bubble, the size of a quarter, with my little baby inside. The lady asked me what it was and I picked up the yolk sac and held it in my hands and said, in her terms, "it's the sac with the fetus. Please will you go get my husband." I sat there alone in the dark room, so much pain flooding my heart, at the same time so much love for this little baby the size of a bean. I didn't want it to be real but I knew that it was....I knew that God gave me closure...that this was a gift and a way for me to say goodbye.
After 2 more pelvic exams and another ultrasound I was scheduled to have a DnC. The doctors were all so very nice and the nurses in recovery were probably the sweetest "strangers" I have ever met. The anesthesiologist came in and talked with Zac and I for a hour and he told me that I was the best patient of the day. Smiles.
So, the conclusion to this long story is :
1. I am still hurting.
2. I understand our loss is part of a bigger plan that I can't see anymore.
3. I will always have a scar on my heart for my little January 27th baby.
4.I have wonderful supportive friends that are here for me and that care deeply about my family.
5. I am so thankful that I have three gorgeous children that are so sweet and show me so much love.
6. God is still the author of life and the author of my life and He will use this experience to make me stronger and to help me be more sensitive to others.
7. I love my husband with all of my heart.
8. I still want another baby so badly that it aches; I still HAVE a baby so when it DOES ache I have him to hold.
9. All things work together for good for them that love God.
10. I love God.