dirt lovers...

Tristan loves dirt...loves touching it, throwing it (thankfully not at people) and sometimes eating it. Okay...he ALWAYS loves eating it but we are almost done *encouraging* him that this isn't a suitable food. A little dirt goes a long way...he would eat handfuls and handfuls of it - and don't even get me started on rocks! I've spent so much time digging them out of his mouth I've actually thought about making him a necklace out of them so he could at least chew on them without swallowing.

Lately his love for dirt has brought me great relief. Allow me to explain:

We have the WORST yard for toddlers. I understand that not having a yard with toddlers is actually the worst...but if you DID have a toddler and you DID have a yard...ours just isn't the best. "Oh, but your yard is so big and lovely...full of flowers and trees" you might argue. Yes indeed...it sure is big. And when you're 8 months pregnant and having to chase a 25 lb child all over a half acre....it's a bit taxing on the ol' body. See....our yard isn't fenced and right down the drive way is a highway with a speed limit of 55. Trinity actually crossed that highway by HERSELF when she was about 18 months and after that....let's just say that this mama's heart has never quite recovered. Between trying to keep Tristy out of the neighbors yard, away from the trailor in the back of our house....and AWAY from the highway - it's just all very overwhelming.

Brady and Trinity are fine now to play outside by themselves...they know the rules and follow them...but Tristan is still in that learning stage and unfortunately for him...I'm in that "large stage." So, my dilemma has been that it is FINALLY warm and beautiful and perfect outdoor weather...and I've only been able to take him out for about 45 minutes a day. So sad too when the other kids are out there and he is just crying at the door wanting so badly to be with them in the warm spring air...and I'm passed out on the floor with burning feet. Sometime I dream of glass sliding doors that open up to just a nice small fenced in yard...one just big enough for a small herb garden and a patio. Ahhhhh...

Anyways, getting back on topic...this is where my relief comes in - Tristan has started just sitting and playing in dirt for about a hour at a time. He is super content just to sit with a shovel and dig and dig and dig. This allows me to be able to sit in my new comfy fold up chair (zac got me a rather large camping chair that has back support that is made for *heftier* folk...he came home and said "look Alyssa, it says for up to 400 pounds!" thanks dear) Then...when the little dude does decide to run, I still have energy for the previously mentioned "chase" game he loves to play.

And those little bare feet....he's obsessed with the game This Little Piggy. :)

And on to just a little family update...I've been absent from this space for awhile and feel the need to let you all know *what is going on.*

Tomorrow morning we will be going for Brady's first meeting with a child specialist. Zac and I are both suppose to go and have the 'get to know you' appointment and then after that Brady will go one time every week for 6 weeks. I'm a bit nervous because the evaluation day is actually set on the same day as Finn's due date so I may need to try and change that...but it's VERY hard to reschedule with Dr. McGee as he's the best of the best....I mean, we've been waiting for 5 months to get in to see him.

Next, we are still working on the house and have an appointment next Monday with our realtor and will be listing it that day. This brings a little stress in the way that the house needs to be ready to be *scene* at any time...not an easy feat with little kids and daily living. Zac is suppose to be putting in a new bathroom sink tomorrow when he is off work and we still have some more organizing to do. It's really just all craziness but we're are totally outgrowing our house. I mean...we're about to be a family of 6 with 2 bedrooms. Brady really needs his own room and I have this thing about wanting my daughter not to share a room with brothers. I know that right now it would be okay since they are little but...I would just really prefer that she have her own space.

Another major thing going on for us is that Zac is flying to Denver on April 2nd in the evening and won't be coming home until the 10th. I'm really trying to not dwell on the fact that I will be 37 weeks pregnant and alone for a week with three kids...I'm trying REALLY hard to just realize that I'm going to be fine...we will do fun things...I will call upon friends - and hopefully not go into labor. Hopefully. I want zac to be able to enjoy his time in the west and hopefully do really well in the interviews and testing...and so I know that I need to stay positive basically so EVERYONE can be positive. Like they say "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

And lastly....just a little ramble about what is going on inside of me for those of you who are interested. I met with my dear friend yesterday to do our study together and the time was SO enlightening for me. Basically we were talking about how all God wants from us in this life is for us to glorify Him...and the way we do that is through obedience. Well, I've know this but the hard part for me is that I put the whole concept of *obedience* into a box and it looks only one way. I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis and what it comes down to is that I am(and have always) put a huge amount of pressure on myself to be basically perfect. It's like I really feel like I'm not pleasing to God if I'm anything other then perfect...which leaves me always very frustrated because striving for perfection is just...well...it will never be.

What perfect looks like to me is : sweet and gentle, wonderful with budgets...being able to feed my family extremely healthily, having all the right things to say at all the right times...making the best decisions all of the time RIGHT now so that a poor decision doesn't mess up my future. So, what's been happening is that all of this pressure on top of the three things I listed at the top of our family update...plus adding another baby to our lives...has basically sent me into a crazed internal state. I'm not glorifying God at all because I'm trying to be perfect and obedient through actions instead of just being me and loving Him and TRUSTING Him. I'm still trying to wrap my head around HOW to give up the control...how to not care if I accidentally make a poor financial decision...or if I have to get fast food one night for the family instead of preparing a meal...I'm still figuring it out. But, I can tell you that just looking at this idea of how I can glorify God through just being Alyssa and not living up to anyone else's standards is freeing....and I hope to continue to grow in this area. I REALLY need to let go...my heart really needs me to let go.

Cleaning, Vaccinations, and Sugar Free

I'm writing this post not to brag about how much I do everyday...but rather...to actually DOCUMENT that I DO work even though at the end of the day the house is still a mess. I mean....really?!!!!! These two feet of mine are burning, my ribs are about to crack from lugging Finn around all day (he likes to ball himself up right under my ribcage on the right side and STAY there for HOURS) and there is still a load of dishes in the sink....toys on the floor....and the kid's room is a mess. It's currently 8 pm and I've had a 13 hour day - I'm done.
Here's what I've accomplished:
~ cleaned out the fridge and scrubbed the inside
~ two loads of laundry (washed, folded, put away)
~ washed two sink loads of dishes
~ washed Finn's clothes and organized his baby drawer just in case I have him 12 weeks early :)
~ taken care of two kids with runny noses...one is teething (that says enough in itself)
~ packed up a gift for a friend and wrote a letter (as in...paper and ink)
~ taken care of three kids (meaning...at their beck and call all day...bathing them, preparing meals, cleaning up meals, washing hands, playing, soothing,....being a mother)

For all of my peeps out there that think I'm some superwoman homemaker that always has a spotless house - let's just keep it real. The picture at the top of my post is of dishes that were ALL taken out of my fridge with moldy food in them. That's right...some of the moldy masterpieces I actually had to look at for awhile and guess what it use to be. I think I discovered at least 7 different type of fungus. Gross. I obviously need to write "clean the fridge" a little MORE often in my Mom's Plan Book.

Three guesses at what the above photo is. Here's your hints...
1. It spent 3 weeks in my fridge uncovered
2. It's a food I HATE that we never buy - except this one time which is why it spent 21 days untouched
3. It was purchased when we were all sick

Got it? And the answer is........dried up Jello. Pretty cool looking.


What's amazing is that even after ALL of my housekeeping shortcomings, my love still thought I deserved a Valentine's massage. He texted me yesterday these lovely words "I have a surprise for you." I answered back "I love surprises." When he got home he had two bars of dark chocolate and a bouquet of daisies....my two favorite things (In the words of Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail "they're such a friendly flower.") I was elated and VERY surprised. He then handed me a card and said "that wasn't your surprise"....and Lo and Behold....I squealed! I had a pre natal massage when I was pregnant with Trinity and it was absolute heaven - I'm looking forward to a repeat experience. Isn't he wonderful?

Daisies are so simple yet so fresh and *sunny * looking. Trinity has walked around the house with one of them all day long...I gave Tristan one but he just tore off the petals.

And this little tid bit is totally random but I forget if I mentioned in an earlier post that we are doing a sugar detox (I know, I know.....chocolate isn't necessarily sugar free...so sue me) and it has been WONDERFUL. We've been eating lots of rice and beans, yogurt with frozen blueberries....scrambled eggs and fruit. We are really trying to back off of so much *bready* food...even if it IS whole wheat. Zac is by no means overweight but he has a very difficult time keeping it that way...he has to work out ALL the time or he can put on like 3 lbs in a week. We're beginning to think that maybe gluten is a problem for him? Also, with Brady and his issues...until we find out exactly what is wrong - we're going to basically put him on a gluten free and sugar free diet. I usually monitor sugar but I've never watching gluten is something new for me...we'll see if there are any behavior changes for him.

One little moment of happiness today was my task of beginning to prepare for Finn. Getting his little diapers out and his Robeez...little itty bitty onesies....I swear I could almost smell him. I LOVE the smell of a baby. I'm so excited about him joining our family...I haven't been scared of the actual birth at all...as in the "pushing the baby out" part. One part that I'm constantly thinking about and scared of is the confrontation with the nurses when i get to the hospital and announce that I don't want them to vaccinate him or put the drops in his eyes.

With Tristan I went to the hospital BEFORE the birth, had my birth plan written out...legal documents printed and signed stating that we didn't want any vaccination given. After all of this, I STILL had to fight the nurses and basically felt like I had the plague or something the day of Tristan's birth. I'm lying there, contractions shaking my body...and the nurse staring at me like I had some type of mental disorder and was the worst possible mother because I was choosing this for our baby. Even the next day while I'm in recovery the pediatrician on call came in to my room to discuss my "decision" with me. And people wonder why it is that I longed for a homebirth so badly this time around.

I guess I'll just stick to my guns like I did last time - I really do think that this is the best decision for OUR family and even though it would be easier and less controversial for me just to smile at the professionals and say "you know best" ....I honestly don't feel that way deep inside so therefor wouldn't have peace with that decision. I was at the WIC office last week (guess I just announced what income bracket we fall under) and the nutritionist there was telling me about how a baby came in earlier with six band aids on her legs. When they asked the mom why the baby had so many..usually there are "only" three from vaccines at a time...the mom said that the nurses at the doctor's office accidentally gave the baby the wrong vaccinations first and then went ahead and gave her the right ones two. OH MY GOSH. Sorry....but I'm not willing to let my babies be guinea pigs. When I looked at my shot records from childhood I was given 12 shots total...in my WHOLE childhood. Brady was given 33 in his first 24 months.

And speaking of my Brady, look at this cheesy smile...can anyone else say "HAM" ? Remember last week how Brady was having a terrible week with meltdown after meltdown? This week I have had 3 days of straight 5 year old bliss...he has been an angel. Thank you God. Sunday morning he woke up in a very good mood (also the day we started no sugar) and he's KEPT that mood. I'm so glad because honestly...I needed a little break to build up some patience.

A Love Story

My love is turning 28 in a couple of days.....I know what some of you are thinking. "They're just babies!" or "my word...28 already." For me this is a big deal...it reminds me that I chose to love Zachary Allen 10 years ago almost exactly. I first started feeling *attracted* a little before his 18th birthday....in fact I'm the one that put together a birthday party for him complete with all his high school friends and taco salad. January turned into February and we had our annual Valentine's Day party at Applebees. I will never forget walking into the room in a little vintage number I had bought and my friend (Zac) winked at me from across the room. I still recall feeling a little confused but crazily excited...to think that he might actually be interested in me.
A month later it was confirmed that the attraction was definitely there - we were both so confused because he was about to graduate high school and leave our little missionary world to go to Colorado with a soccer scholarship...there would be a ton of *fish in the sea.* He told me he wouldn't rush into things and that we would just think about everything for awhile - one week later he told me that I was who he wanted....three weeks later by a campfire he told me he loved me and with that said...I stamped him in my heart and knew that he would be mine for life. I mean really...how can you say you love someone and not stand by it? :)
We spent a year long distance with me finishing up high school and him treating me as specially as someone can from thousands of miles away. I got e mails everyday, packages in the mail....long distance phone calls and even roses on Valentine's Day. When other people told me that we were too young or that i was too immature to have a REAL boyfriend, I knew it wasn't true and so did zac. It's funny to me now how *adults* will tell teens that they don't know what love is or can't understand it. What is love anyways? It's a choice and a commitment - somehow zac and I both knew this even when I was only 16 years old. I remember purchasing a necklace that said "I love Zac" on it and I was questioned almost immediately about it's significance and told that I couldn't wear it because I didn't understand the meaning of love. Well, with a little bit of stubbornness, I put it away in my jewelry box and left it there until they day I became engaged 3 years later. :)
I moved to Tennessee to go to college, Zac was still playing soccer in Colorado - we were on two years now of long distance. I quit school after two semesters...it was no secret that I was very unhappy. I had never been so confused and alone in all of my life - all of my life long friends were gone, I was in a strange country in a strange school...I just felt strange. I was insecure and as a result struggled with an eating disorder. There were some nights on campus I would just walk around the school in the pitch black...once I remember walking in the rain for over a hour just feeling so alone and lost. It was a hard year for me. Meanwhile, in Colorado Zac tore his ACL and as a result lost his soccer scholarship. Big Blow to him. Needless to say, we were both struggeling.
It was made clear to us that I wasn't allowed to move to the west, so as a result....the summer of 2003 he purchased a tiny little Ford truck...I wish I had a picture of it...it was a yellow rusty heap of metal (Zac loved it....I was scared when I saw it the first time.) and he drove that thing all the way to me...across the country with a hurt leg and no money. He left his beautiful Colorado...his brothers and his college buddies - all for me.
When he pulled up to the drive way I immediately felt like I was home. There were a lot of things missing in my life... he was the biggest one. Within a week Zac had a job at a local paper factory - definitely not his dream but it paid the bills and had health insurance. He proved even then that he is a hard worker and would be a good provider for our future family.
Meanwhile, I was working phones at Sears Monitoring Service...dispatching police every night on faulty alarms and waking up managers at their homes all over the United States and Puerto Rico. Ahhhh.....the good ol' days - or not. :) Zac and I went on a trip together to Kansas City, MO to attend one of his friend's weddings...on the way there we stopped at the Arch in St. Louis where Zac proposed to me. Bliss....and the *I LOVE Zac* necklace went back on needless to say.
We both kept working when we got back to Tennessee but Zac had to work especially hard. For 4 months of our engaged lives we were stressed to the max with life, with each other...with having no friends...what felt like no support - and no money. My roommate at the time decided not to pay any of their bills so my fiance covered all the costs. That's right...paid his bills and the other half of my roommates just to make sure that things would be okay for me. Meanwhile we were planning our wedding...I had a wonderful group of women at my parent's supporting church that basically did ALL of the work but it too was a hard time for me.
We finally were married and I can't describe the feelings of relief that flowed through my body as we walked out of that church. I finally belonged to the person I had loved for 3 years - I felt very safe and a little scared. I really thought that all of my problems were just going to go away now...everything in the past would just dissappear - of course the good stuff could stay. :)
Our first year of marriage was hard - I'm not going to lie. I was working on a lot of things internally that I wasn't even aware of.....was on a birth control pill that I didn't realize was really screwing with my emotions. I honestly don't remember very many things about our first year except being miserable. I'm not trying to be negative here...I'm just sharing the truth with you...I'm telling you our story not for pity or any reason except that it's part of the BIGGER picture. Even though the first year wasn't pleasant....it was still ours.
I came off of the pill on our 1 year anniversary and 2 weeks later I remember Zac looking at me and saying "wow, you're acting like you use to in high school....all happy and stuff." i was shocked and thought about the difference for a moment....the pill! A week later I was pregnant.
Brady was the best thing that could have ever happened to us. The focus went from "me" to "this baby." That's the blessing of children...you learn so much about yourself and you have to BE better if you want better for them. You can't be selfish when you are a parent and that change starts even in pregnancy. At this same time, Zac got out of that darn paper factory and was hired by the Dalton Fire department! Yah for a meaningful job - he has been perfect for this profession. During this time we also bought our first home as a *fixer upper.* Things were looking up.
Time passed and to make this long story even longer....I found an incredible church. I say "I" because it was me that joined a young mother's Bible study and my life began to change. For the first time I was honest with women that I didn't know...and I was part of a group that didn't know me or my family or the mission my parents are part of. They just knew me and they like me. Areas in my life that I was struggling with I was able to bring into the light and I got help with those things...this time in my life...Brady's first year...was life changing - heart changing.
Along came Trinity, our little rosebud. Her first summer was the happiest year of my life. it was a time spent with my two babies in the sunshine, loving life and really just diving into a world of creativity and embracing my feminity. It may sound strange but I challenged myself to wear skirts everyday for about 2 months...to wear make up and just look like a woman. I started baking bread and really loving the world of herbs and natural remedies. Basically...I was learning who Alyssa really was and Zac was encouraging me and loving me the whole way through. I got pregnant with our third baby the week before Trin's first birthday...nursing was PERFECT birth control. :)
Along came Tristan and all of his cuddly cuteness. This time was special for me and it was also a challenging time for us as a family. It began to be clear to us that Brayden was very different and has some very special needs. We are still working and praying and searching in this area, but it really came to a "head' around the time Tristan was born. I think God gave me tristan on purpose during this tim just so I would have a small bundle to love and hold when my heart was sad. Tristan is STILL a huge source of joy for zac and i...he makes us laugh every day.
Almost a year later I became pregnant and lost baby January. That time, many of you know, was very difficult for us as it is for anyone that loses a life. In the midst of feeling so close to eachother we also had a moment where things became very distant between us. I think just the grieving period mixed in with trying to sell our house....along with Brady's issues was just very overwhelming - and has been.
I am pregnant again with our little Finn (it's a never ending state i seem to find myself in....obviously from my fear of the pill) and we are more in love than ever. We have dealt with the distance...had a couple of very long, very hard talks. This pregnancy has been very uncomfortable for me but I have felt more love from my husband than ever before.


This last year, 2010, I read the book Love and Respect and it changed the way that I see Zac. I was already learning to communicate better...to not put my expectations on him....to (gulp)obey him even...but I can say that this book really opened up my eyes to what respect actually is and why it is so important in men/women relationships. Well, to be honest it wasn't the book that spoke to me so much as it was the seminar I got to watch (available on DVD.) The speaker(Dr. Emerson Eggerichs) is just so dynamic and real - very humorous.
As a result of my attitude towards Zac changing...his attitude towards me has changed. He has always been very kind and very loving....but now he is even more so. He takes care of me...he does things for me that some other women might not would like because it takes away from their "power" (not really....but I think that's how it would be viewed by Feminists) but he makes me feel girly. He makes my bath for me most evenings, tells me to go calm down when I'm getting worked up.....reminds me to rest.....opens my car door for me...calls me from work and checks on me during the day....he just treats me like a girl and I've never been so attracted in all of my life. It's nice when you're caring for others all day long, to have someone that comes home and takes care of you.
I've loved zac for 10 years now...and if you made it through this rather long post...I think you see why. He is committed to me 100% through thick and thin...even before we were married and he was *tied down.* He has provided for me...once again BEFORE marriage....not just financially but emotionally. Zac helped me with that eating disorder...he helped me with the insecurity and has always told me that I am perfect. He has given me three beautiful children and another one is on the way...he has let me find me...he has let me stay home in all of my *Alyssa Glory* and he encourages me to be the homemaker I've always dreamt of being. He has high expectations of me and nudges me gently to fulfill those things - I like this. I like accountability and I'm glad that our relationship has blossomed to a place where he feels like he can be my leader.
I'm so thankful for my husband....so very happy that God gave me him - so very thrilled that my best friend fulfills me and that he is a real MAN. Sometimes I fool myself in thinking that he has grown into a man since we've been married - but that's simply not true. He was one at 18 when he knew the meaning of love. the other day we were talking that if we both make it to 80 years old we could actually celebrate our 60 year wedding anniversary since we got married so young - this makes me smile.
Happy Birthday baby.

Reality

I've always described my self as a pessimist...then over the last couple of years I've changed it to a *realist.* I have a hard time with "hope" because it can so easily change to a crushed dream. The days leading up to Zac's departure I noticed myself becoming a little distant...with him, with my kiddos...with the world in general (referring to my midnight deletion of facebook and my other blog Green Mama in a Rainbow World.)
The morning my love was suppose to leave we were sitting in our room and I just told him point blank "I think I distance myself from situations or things that are going to hurt me....like I know you're leaving and it will hurt so I'm not wanting to be super intimate. I don't want to think about the possibility of moving because that might not be a reality...I don't want to get my hopes up." I'm not saying that this response from me was right, in fact...it can be hurtful to those around me - what I am saying is that I've noticed that I have this defense mechanism and I'm working on it.
One hope that I had was to deliver at least one of our babies at home...if not our home then a midwive's home. My last pregnancy before Finn I had found the perfect midwife. I had the cost all figured up and even though I knew that we could cover the WHOLE birth for free with Medicaid, Zac allowed me to set aside the funds to be able to see my dream become a reality. So...I met with the midwife...I walked into her sunny home complete with plants and white drapes....woven rugs and gorgeous photos of pregnant bellies all over the walls (found out that she is also a photographer) - needless to say I was in heaven. I toured the rooms that would be my birthing room, saw the whirlpool tub where I envisioned myself gaining relief from a medication free labor.
Three hours after I got home and shared my excitement with Zac, I miscarried. All of that to say, that dream was definitely lost and Finn will be born at the hospital basically because of monetary necessity. After paying for all of my emergency room bills and then Zac's knee surgery last year...the funds just aren't there. I'm not sure if this sounds trivial to any of you....I've heard the "as long as your baby comes out healthy then it was a good delivery" from my doctor on several occasions. And...in the end...that is true. But it was the experience that I wanted...the quiet intimate environment that you just don't get in a sterile hospital.
Coming back to *hope* is this....God saw all of this before I did. For some reason I was allowed to go to that home and tour it....to see the birth in my dreams - maybe that was a gift? If I wouldn't have gone there that day I never would have even had a glimpse of the reality, and now looking back...I'm thankful to have been able to be a part of something so beautiful...to show that I'm a supporter of home births....that I at least thought of it as a possibility for me.
I'm not sure why I'm posting about this today...perhaps because it's that I feel Father telling me to have joy even when I'm not sure if things are going to work out the way that I have them all planned. I'm glad that the Author of the Universe has a dream for me and as long as I am willing to follow Him it will become my dream...the two will co exist and there will be joy.

A Bit of Spring Cleaning...Months in Advance

Isolation....a feeling I know all to well. So what do I do about it? Dive right in. That's right.....not only am I a 45 minute drive from the "big" city.....30 minutes from our church, hours and hours and hours away from family - I've now cut myself from the outside world in a drastic way. Wait for it.....I deleted facebook. Gulp. I've always been an 'all of nothing" kind of gal...for good or bad.
I'm afraid that my obsession with "did anybody write me today" and then feeling let down when that answer is inevitably "no" has gotten to be too big of a deal in my heart and mind. I took it even a step further....I deleted Green Mama blog too (yes I did.) It was nice knowing you Green Mama....maybe you can come back when your children are in their 20's or so.

I've just been finding myself a little bit to preoccupied with the computer and the wanting of friends, the comparison of their lives to mine....the let down of not feeling important to cyperspace. I've decided that my focus needs to be shifted back to my home and my littles....not who in this world wants to take a *time out* for me...that's just selfish anyways. So....with my new found freedom and the facebook chain taken off of my neck I'm sure I'll be devoting more time to this space....my old crafty self and hopefully some lovely photos if the sunshine would cooperate.