It's been interesting....everything. Here are my thoughts on having a new child - the third child. I miss HIM. I miss being able to hold that tiny little baby, all day...all night. I guess I didn't really realize how much until Zac did a night feeding for me last night. With my *goods* stored up in the freezer, he generously offered me a good night's sleep which sounded wonderful. Indeed, it was good...but not perfect because even though i didn't have to wake up to a crying baby I missed that closeness with him which only comes at night (when the other two kids are tucked away in dreamland.) During the day I sometimes look over at Tristan and I just want to hold him so bad but duty calls. So, after I'm done here blogging I think I'll enjoy this quiet nap time just holding my newest treasure and "taking" him in. :)
Newness going on here is a diet very low in sugar...basically none. So far it has been very easy since we didn't really eat much sugar to begin with....basically I've just stopped baking as much. As soon as I can get some powered stevia though I'm going to try some recipes out -just because. Kids NEED to be able to bake with their mamas...and every house needs the delicious scent of some goodie every now and then. :) Brady last night had a huge meltdown over not being able to find a sticker that he decided was a "key." Not even joking. The sticker is about the size of a chocolate chip and the night before last he told me at some point that it was his key. Well, 24 hours later after Trin had gone to bed and we were giving Brady some much need quiet time he began to search for his "key." He asked us where it was several times and several times we told him that we had no idea. and we really DIDN'T have any idea....not the slightest clue. I looked for a minute and then tried to get him to use anything else as a key. Zac picked up a little stick and said "here Brady, this can be your key." Brady just looked at Zac very seriously and said "No. That is NOT a key dad." From there it just escalated into long screaming wails and panic..like we were hiding his treasured key from him or purposefully not finding it. So, the end of a somewhat good day kind of came to a hault for a moment or two. The only way it ended is we just ignored him screaming for about 3 minutes and then I walked up to him and asked if he would like to get a drink now. He just kind of snapped out of it looking exhausted...from there we went on getting Bray-Bray ready for bed and then a long rendition about "UPS man Brady and the big package" and then he was fine.
The sky is blue outside and I see trees blowing back and forth...gentle piano music is playing and I feel so...confused. How can it look so peaceful outside when the inside is all jumbled up and a mess? How can my heart feel peace when so many circumstances right now are just so very unpeaceful? I know the stillness inside is God...it's His prescense. So many times today I have messed up...I've already spoken much to sharply at Zac (I apologized for your info) and many times I have thought the dreaded "if only" thought. The reason that thought is so dreaded is because it doesn't matter if anything was different...the state of my heart wouldn't be. This is the perfect time for me to decide how I'm going to handle life and all it's ups and downs. I do know that I miss sweetness. I miss just sitting on the porch and watching birds pluck worms out of our somewhat dry ground out front. I miss laughter as I feel like right now there seems to be more tension then laughter. Why can that be when I try so hard to make our home the very opposite of "tense" ? As I type Brady is in his bed every now and then screaming over something....the covers not covering his body correctly...or perhaps the hat he was wearing isn't situated just the right way on his head so he is bothered. It's hard to make everything perfect all the time for one person. I feel like it's an injustice to my other family members...at the same time I would do whatever it took to make sure that he can "cope" with life. Perhaps he and I are just in the same place right now...perhaps I see my own heart in his screams? Maybe the way he gets so bothered about his hat not fitting correctly is like my inward screams at life's little problems?
I've learned a lot through having children and I'm learning even more. I don't understand people not wanting to have kids. I understand VERY well the ups and downs...I don't get why you wouldn't want the opportunity to grow...to daily think about others. Children are a great way to do just that. Lord, don't let me miss the opportunity to grow....to enjoy these tender years that are slipping by so fast. I can't believe Brady was once a little baby like Tristan that I craved holding...and now he's so big and I still crave holding him. Will that ever go away? :)
Trinity is learning to use the potty and is such a delight. She smiles and sings, talks under her breath and sometimes so loudly you have to tell her to quiet it down just a smidge. Sometimes she starts running in circles around the living room over and over again looking like she has gone insane. I thank God for that sweet little girl...she is the apple of my eye - that little squirrel child.
So, after I have now shared tons of thoughts that just flood my head and my heart...I will end letting you all know that I am truly happy. I'm happy and have joy because I'm doing exactly what I have always wanted to do....be a mommy. Please don't think that my sharing struggles with you is me complaining about my position....it is just exactly what it is....I'm not perfect and I have imperfect thoughts and attitudes sometimes. But I know the truth...I know the TRUTH - God works everything out for good....for those who love Him.