Tis the Season

It's that time of year again....pink toenail polish weather, endless trips to the refrigerator for something *cool* to drink, higher water bills due to hours of fun in the sun with kiddie pools.....ahhhhh, summer is upon us. Oh, for those of you judging my toe nail painting capabilities....this was just the first coat OVER old polish (oh PUHHHHLEASE...like you've never done that before...a girl doesn't always have time to remove the old stuff.)

Zac discovered that slip and slides cost only a mere five bucks at the local Dollar General...who needs a water park?! Our yard is starting to resemble a redneck water fun zone though...seriously. We have two kiddie pools, a slip and slide, sprinkler, and a big plastic play house. Not the most attractive yard decor - but super fun and cheap entertainment is hard to beat.

Zac has to demonstrate to Brady just *how it's done* at least 20 times a day before Brady really "gets it." When he does do it correctly and makes it all the way down to the end of the slip and slide...joy is felt by all. :)

The other nice thing about hours in the sun is the kids are totally exhausted when they come inside and they take super great naps. It's just so fulfilling being in the sun and soaking up all that good vitamin D, drinking lots of water...craving fresh fruit. Ahhhh....I love being warm.

Today is special for our family on two counts. One...baby Finn turned a month old and is doing wonderfully. His belly button is all healed up, he's gaining weight (I have no idea how much since we kind of ...errrr....skip doctor's appointments)and he's letting me get a little more rest these days. The second part of our life that is fun/different is that zac is coaching his very last soccer game this afternoon and won't be getting another team for quite awhile. He is at least taking the summer and fall off to just have a change of pace and to be around here ALL THE TIME on his off days. Listen folks....four kids is a lot of work at present and I'm SOO happy to know I'll have him around even more for help, emotional support....and just to enjoy our family. Also, it wouldn't be fair to his team if he was set up to be there coach for the fall with us potentially moving. This will mean a little less income for our family but it'll work out. I'm just happy about a change.

Stop the Ride

I know that the Bible tells me that God will give me nothing in my life that is to big for me to handle...with Him. I know that He brings people and circumstances into my life to grow me up...to make me a better person - a more serving person. I know this. I'm not finding that this knowledge is comforting to me on a daily basis though...it just isn't - that's honest. Everyday...every second, minute, hour seems like an emotional roller coaster in our house. Some days I'm happy to go on the ride...some days I just want to scream for the ride to stop and for the ticket man to give me my money back...this wasn't the kind of ride I payed for.
Living with a child with AS (Asbergers) is not easy in any way. Zac and I were talking yesterday about how it seems like Brady is doing worse then ever. I don't actually think that HE is worse...I just think that all of his little differences are more noticeable and harder to take now that he is older...they just stand out more. He is louder...he yells at me on a daily basis(but now that he has a huge vocabulary his words can be quite...well...shall we say "bold"),he is more hyper than ever before....he is ALWAYS bored. Always.
When family was here for the last couple of weeks he was a little better just because there were a lot of changes and people to keep his brain occupied. There was actually only one screaming meltdown while grandparents were around...I believe Mama C was here for that. :) When he's home with me all day he is easily frustrated because there is just NO WAY that I can ONLY be his mother. He wants me to do everything for him all day...listen to him all day long about whatever is in his brain....play with him, watch him play his computer game...only cook foods that he likes. If I dare do anything that is contrary to what he wants (and it happens often since he can't run my life but the fact is that he doesn't KNOW he is) then there are huge struggles. Something as simple as him asking for a glass of water can be frustrating because if the water isn't cold enough he won't drink it...he gets REALLY made because he says that water is suppose to be "fresh" and he equates "fresh" with "cold." I'm forever filling up the water pitcher and keeping it in the fridge just to make sure that he doesn't freak out if we are low on "fresh" drinking water. Today I was exercising and he ran past me at 100 miles per hour (remember that he is actually Cheetah man) and his head smashed into my eyebrow bone. Well, I was the one that got hurt - not him. I mean it hurt BAD and I had a headache for at least a hour...not to mention that I was super hot from exercising and my heart rate was already escalated. He became IRATE that I was upset about being hurt. I mean he was mad...screaming, crying, completely out of control. I was definitely not in control of myself either so I asked him to go into another room so mommy could cool down. This took 45 minutes. The point is that his brain just doesn't know how to respond to pain or emotions. Sometimes I'm very understanding of this but when I have one bad moment of being impatient out of 3 days of BEING patient I feel like a complete failure and like I'm screwing up this precious gift of a child. Grrrrrrr. Sometimes I don't understand why God gave ME...Alyssa...a child that takes 100% MORE patience to raise on a daily basis than a *normal* child. Someday...in my 50's...perhaps I will know. One thing for sure...when Tristan cries a little or is upset...or a child in a grocery store his throwing a tantrum - it doesn't affect me AT ALL. Yes, someday I will have the patience of Job - I will be known as the Patience Queen. I'll write books and give conferences....sell little stuffed bears that are embroidered with a giant "P"...I may even have my own fragrance line "Patience X 4" or some other catching name. Watch for it peeps...watch for it.
I love Brady more than words could ever express....I would do anything for him - I'm just tired. Tomorrow will be better...but today I'm tired and I'm glad it's bedtime and my ears and heart can have a break. :)

There have been happy times though...here and there...that's how our life is. There will be a hour of unruly craziness where the family feels like it's just a MESS, and then there are sweet times and lovely memories made. Tristan and Trinity are in love with the pool ever since the sun decided to show itself on a daily basis. Trist would be out there for hours and hours if we let him (his skin is super fair so I have to bring him in for breaks often.)

I know that God gives me sweet moments to even out the rough ones. These little kids are just WORK yall...they just take up every part of your being. They just exhaust you emotionally and physically...my heart breaks and then....chocolate chip cookie making in the kitchen, or forts made out of the dining room table and blankets...or hugs and kisses and funny little words start healing all of those hurts and my heart becomes whole again...I'm refreshed and ready for another round. Being a mother is so fulfilling. It's what I've always wanted to be and what I decided to make my life about - I never imagined what it was that I was asking for and at the same time...a small part of me thinks I knew exactly what it was that I was asking for - and I wanted it anyway.

The kids were stoked about having pancakes for dinner the other night. My *silly face cakes* were inspired by Ihop except mine have faces made out of fruit stuck on with cream cheese...theirs were all cool whip and chocolate chips. :) I also made turkey bacon and the kids used that as hair and kept biting off pieces to give their pancakes a *trim.*

And this little Snuggle Bug...he just takes it all in. I wonder what he thinks about all the noise and chaos - I'm guessing it comforts him since he's been part of it ever since he was conceived. The nurses told me that they thought he was probably just cranky at the hospital because it was so quiet there. One lady came in and said "don't you have other children?" I told them "sure enough" and they said that Finn was use to the noise from when he was in utero and that's why he was upset...and he needed more food than just colostrum since he was such a big boy. :)

dirt lovers...

Tristan loves dirt...loves touching it, throwing it (thankfully not at people) and sometimes eating it. Okay...he ALWAYS loves eating it but we are almost done *encouraging* him that this isn't a suitable food. A little dirt goes a long way...he would eat handfuls and handfuls of it - and don't even get me started on rocks! I've spent so much time digging them out of his mouth I've actually thought about making him a necklace out of them so he could at least chew on them without swallowing.

Lately his love for dirt has brought me great relief. Allow me to explain:

We have the WORST yard for toddlers. I understand that not having a yard with toddlers is actually the worst...but if you DID have a toddler and you DID have a yard...ours just isn't the best. "Oh, but your yard is so big and lovely...full of flowers and trees" you might argue. Yes indeed...it sure is big. And when you're 8 months pregnant and having to chase a 25 lb child all over a half acre....it's a bit taxing on the ol' body. See....our yard isn't fenced and right down the drive way is a highway with a speed limit of 55. Trinity actually crossed that highway by HERSELF when she was about 18 months and after that....let's just say that this mama's heart has never quite recovered. Between trying to keep Tristy out of the neighbors yard, away from the trailor in the back of our house....and AWAY from the highway - it's just all very overwhelming.

Brady and Trinity are fine now to play outside by themselves...they know the rules and follow them...but Tristan is still in that learning stage and unfortunately for him...I'm in that "large stage." So, my dilemma has been that it is FINALLY warm and beautiful and perfect outdoor weather...and I've only been able to take him out for about 45 minutes a day. So sad too when the other kids are out there and he is just crying at the door wanting so badly to be with them in the warm spring air...and I'm passed out on the floor with burning feet. Sometime I dream of glass sliding doors that open up to just a nice small fenced in yard...one just big enough for a small herb garden and a patio. Ahhhhh...

Anyways, getting back on topic...this is where my relief comes in - Tristan has started just sitting and playing in dirt for about a hour at a time. He is super content just to sit with a shovel and dig and dig and dig. This allows me to be able to sit in my new comfy fold up chair (zac got me a rather large camping chair that has back support that is made for *heftier* folk...he came home and said "look Alyssa, it says for up to 400 pounds!" thanks dear) Then...when the little dude does decide to run, I still have energy for the previously mentioned "chase" game he loves to play.

And those little bare feet....he's obsessed with the game This Little Piggy. :)

And on to just a little family update...I've been absent from this space for awhile and feel the need to let you all know *what is going on.*

Tomorrow morning we will be going for Brady's first meeting with a child specialist. Zac and I are both suppose to go and have the 'get to know you' appointment and then after that Brady will go one time every week for 6 weeks. I'm a bit nervous because the evaluation day is actually set on the same day as Finn's due date so I may need to try and change that...but it's VERY hard to reschedule with Dr. McGee as he's the best of the best....I mean, we've been waiting for 5 months to get in to see him.

Next, we are still working on the house and have an appointment next Monday with our realtor and will be listing it that day. This brings a little stress in the way that the house needs to be ready to be *scene* at any time...not an easy feat with little kids and daily living. Zac is suppose to be putting in a new bathroom sink tomorrow when he is off work and we still have some more organizing to do. It's really just all craziness but we're are totally outgrowing our house. I mean...we're about to be a family of 6 with 2 bedrooms. Brady really needs his own room and I have this thing about wanting my daughter not to share a room with brothers. I know that right now it would be okay since they are little but...I would just really prefer that she have her own space.

Another major thing going on for us is that Zac is flying to Denver on April 2nd in the evening and won't be coming home until the 10th. I'm really trying to not dwell on the fact that I will be 37 weeks pregnant and alone for a week with three kids...I'm trying REALLY hard to just realize that I'm going to be fine...we will do fun things...I will call upon friends - and hopefully not go into labor. Hopefully. I want zac to be able to enjoy his time in the west and hopefully do really well in the interviews and testing...and so I know that I need to stay positive basically so EVERYONE can be positive. Like they say "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

And lastly....just a little ramble about what is going on inside of me for those of you who are interested. I met with my dear friend yesterday to do our study together and the time was SO enlightening for me. Basically we were talking about how all God wants from us in this life is for us to glorify Him...and the way we do that is through obedience. Well, I've know this but the hard part for me is that I put the whole concept of *obedience* into a box and it looks only one way. I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis and what it comes down to is that I am(and have always) put a huge amount of pressure on myself to be basically perfect. It's like I really feel like I'm not pleasing to God if I'm anything other then perfect...which leaves me always very frustrated because striving for perfection is just...well...it will never be.

What perfect looks like to me is : sweet and gentle, wonderful with budgets...being able to feed my family extremely healthily, having all the right things to say at all the right times...making the best decisions all of the time RIGHT now so that a poor decision doesn't mess up my future. So, what's been happening is that all of this pressure on top of the three things I listed at the top of our family update...plus adding another baby to our lives...has basically sent me into a crazed internal state. I'm not glorifying God at all because I'm trying to be perfect and obedient through actions instead of just being me and loving Him and TRUSTING Him. I'm still trying to wrap my head around HOW to give up the control...how to not care if I accidentally make a poor financial decision...or if I have to get fast food one night for the family instead of preparing a meal...I'm still figuring it out. But, I can tell you that just looking at this idea of how I can glorify God through just being Alyssa and not living up to anyone else's standards is freeing....and I hope to continue to grow in this area. I REALLY need to let go...my heart really needs me to let go.

Pondering January

The new year has come and with it I'm determined to have a new attitude to finish out the winter. I want springtime here SO badly I can't even begin to describe it. I love the time of year where I can open windows, have coffee on the porch in the mornings, watch kids run around barefoot...I love taking pictures of buds appearing and then blooming....I just love the spring. I always thought I was a *fall* girl basically because I was born in September, love apples and pumpkin pie and the scent of cinnamon...but I've changed my mind. i PREFER flowers and pesto, gentle rains and green grass, lemony flavored things and tons of fruit. Spring is for me. And of course there's the small fact that I'm named for the springtime...Alyssa Spring. Twasn't an accident.
We were able to get outdoors a bit a couple of days ago. It was warmer so we drove up to Ft Mountain to walk around and then ended up going up the side of a mountain...as in CLIMBING UP HILL for about 20 minutes, following a different trail to come down....realizing that we were slightly lost and need to go back UP to come down the right way. All in all....my legs got quite the workout and I told zac to take me back when I'm close to my due date. He doesn't seem to think that's the best idea...he has visions of me going into full labor and him delivering Finnian in the old fort that was at the top of the mountain. :)
Today I've been baking blueberry muffins that called for lemon zest...I think that's one reason my mind has been on spring. But really, I think the reason why I'm just a little bit ready for that glorious time of year is 3 fold :
- Brady will start going for intensive testing ...meaning ANSWERS
- Maybe we might sell our house? Please Lord....900 feet was nice with just us as a couple but we're feeling a bit smushed (I know that's not a word folks.)
- my sweet little Finn will come into the world and create more love and chaos in our lives then we know what to do with.

My reasons for me so far loving January are:
- I got to pack up all that Christmas clutter - such relief
- Zac surprised me GREATLY with my first pair of little diamond stud earrings. They are white gold and 1/5 carat making them perfect for my second earring hole. I've had to leave that space *vacant* for some time because all of the other earrings made my lobes itch. These are perfect.
- I feel more in love with my husband then ever before...i just want to be near him constantly. We celebrated our 7 year anniversary on the third and it was so very laid back and perfect.

Some of the hardships I have faced ALREADY in 2011 :
- zac is leaving this Thursday to go to Denver....4 days without my hubby = great sadness and isolation for Alyssa
- without trying to, my mind has gone back to my emergency room visit last year and the loss of our little baby that was going to be born this month. It's so strange how I can be carrying another life but missing that one. Anyways, I've only felt down about it a couple of times but it was late at night and very intense. There are some things that you see in life that are very hard to get out of your head...that experience was one of them.

So, there's a little family update if you want to call it that. We are healthy and doing well...enjoying the bits of sunshine that are peeking out this week. Tomorrow will be a busy day of packing up Zac, getting the tires replaced on our van and the oil changed...ALSO the windshield wipers quit working while Zac was driving IN the dark, In the rain...on his way to work. He said that he had to drive the whole way there with the window down so he could see...the van is at the shop as I type. I'm hoping for LOW numbers on the bill.

Signs of Spring for the Corleys....

....there are milk cartons hanging from trees, beckoning to all of the robins and blue jays within 2 acres of our house....

Excuse me Mr. Squirrel...I said "ROBINS and BLUE JAYS!" Now scat!

Squirrel Girl meets Squirrel - friends for life.

....flowers are blossoming on all of our bushes making me smile ever so big.

...a teething Tristan staring out the window at - light. I love the little bread crumb under his lip...well, love and hate. One part of me wants desperately to wipe it off as quickly as possible, the other side of me delights in the fact that Koala has started enjoying mama's muffins with the rest of the family!

....a little princess keeps sprinting around our house and i can never catch up with her to learn a name...Brayden claims it's princess Belle but I'm not quite sure...

....little rears are constantly in the air while little hands are busy picking clover. Funny picture but I love how it captures a cheerful "discovering" childhood. :)

.....teeny purple flowers spot the ground. Oops...be careful little toes not to smoosh our plant friends!

....stray animals are constantly basking in the sun on our porch when they SHOULD be watching out for bird seed thieving squirrels!

...bouquets of dandelions take up residence in our home - thought to be as lovely as roses by my littles.

....the neighboors pear tree has become one giant lovely cloud blossom - I'm thankful I can enjoy it too.

....more blossoms. I snuck into their yard this morning around 9 am to get these shots. Two good things about my neighbors 1)they are both 70+ so I don't have to worry about them hearing our kids running around like wild indians ( or me sneaking into their yard) - 2) BECAUSE they are 70+ they enjoy the fact that we HAVE a pack of wild indians- and that I take pictures of their flowers!

Look, the winter is past

and the rains are over and gone.

The flowers are springing up,

the season of singing birds has come,

and the cooing of the turtledoves fills the air.

- Song of Songs 2:11-12