We have the WORST yard for toddlers. I understand that not having a yard with toddlers is actually the worst...but if you DID have a toddler and you DID have a yard...ours just isn't the best. "Oh, but your yard is so big and lovely...full of flowers and trees" you might argue. Yes indeed...it sure is big. And when you're 8 months pregnant and having to chase a 25 lb child all over a half acre....it's a bit taxing on the ol' body. See....our yard isn't fenced and right down the drive way is a highway with a speed limit of 55. Trinity actually crossed that highway by HERSELF when she was about 18 months and after that....let's just say that this mama's heart has never quite recovered. Between trying to keep Tristy out of the neighbors yard, away from the trailor in the back of our house....and AWAY from the highway - it's just all very overwhelming.
Brady and Trinity are fine now to play outside by themselves...they know the rules and follow them...but Tristan is still in that learning stage and unfortunately for him...I'm in that "large stage." So, my dilemma has been that it is FINALLY warm and beautiful and perfect outdoor weather...and I've only been able to take him out for about 45 minutes a day. So sad too when the other kids are out there and he is just crying at the door wanting so badly to be with them in the warm spring air...and I'm passed out on the floor with burning feet. Sometime I dream of glass sliding doors that open up to just a nice small fenced in yard...one just big enough for a small herb garden and a patio. Ahhhhh...
Anyways, getting back on topic...this is where my relief comes in - Tristan has started just sitting and playing in dirt for about a hour at a time. He is super content just to sit with a shovel and dig and dig and dig. This allows me to be able to sit in my new comfy fold up chair (zac got me a rather large camping chair that has back support that is made for *heftier* folk...he came home and said "look Alyssa, it says for up to 400 pounds!" thanks dear) Then...when the little dude does decide to run, I still have energy for the previously mentioned "chase" game he loves to play.
And those little bare feet....he's obsessed with the game This Little Piggy. :)
And on to just a little family update...I've been absent from this space for awhile and feel the need to let you all know *what is going on.*
Tomorrow morning we will be going for Brady's first meeting with a child specialist. Zac and I are both suppose to go and have the 'get to know you' appointment and then after that Brady will go one time every week for 6 weeks. I'm a bit nervous because the evaluation day is actually set on the same day as Finn's due date so I may need to try and change that...but it's VERY hard to reschedule with Dr. McGee as he's the best of the best....I mean, we've been waiting for 5 months to get in to see him.
Next, we are still working on the house and have an appointment next Monday with our realtor and will be listing it that day. This brings a little stress in the way that the house needs to be ready to be *scene* at any time...not an easy feat with little kids and daily living. Zac is suppose to be putting in a new bathroom sink tomorrow when he is off work and we still have some more organizing to do. It's really just all craziness but we're are totally outgrowing our house. I mean...we're about to be a family of 6 with 2 bedrooms. Brady really needs his own room and I have this thing about wanting my daughter not to share a room with brothers. I know that right now it would be okay since they are little but...I would just really prefer that she have her own space.
Another major thing going on for us is that Zac is flying to Denver on April 2nd in the evening and won't be coming home until the 10th. I'm really trying to not dwell on the fact that I will be 37 weeks pregnant and alone for a week with three kids...I'm trying REALLY hard to just realize that I'm going to be fine...we will do fun things...I will call upon friends - and hopefully not go into labor. Hopefully. I want zac to be able to enjoy his time in the west and hopefully do really well in the interviews and testing...and so I know that I need to stay positive basically so EVERYONE can be positive. Like they say "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
And lastly....just a little ramble about what is going on inside of me for those of you who are interested. I met with my dear friend yesterday to do our study together and the time was SO enlightening for me. Basically we were talking about how all God wants from us in this life is for us to glorify Him...and the way we do that is through obedience. Well, I've know this but the hard part for me is that I put the whole concept of *obedience* into a box and it looks only one way. I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis and what it comes down to is that I am(and have always) put a huge amount of pressure on myself to be basically perfect. It's like I really feel like I'm not pleasing to God if I'm anything other then perfect...which leaves me always very frustrated because striving for perfection is just...well...it will never be.
What perfect looks like to me is : sweet and gentle, wonderful with budgets...being able to feed my family extremely healthily, having all the right things to say at all the right times...making the best decisions all of the time RIGHT now so that a poor decision doesn't mess up my future. So, what's been happening is that all of this pressure on top of the three things I listed at the top of our family update...plus adding another baby to our lives...has basically sent me into a crazed internal state. I'm not glorifying God at all because I'm trying to be perfect and obedient through actions instead of just being me and loving Him and TRUSTING Him. I'm still trying to wrap my head around HOW to give up the control...how to not care if I accidentally make a poor financial decision...or if I have to get fast food one night for the family instead of preparing a meal...I'm still figuring it out. But, I can tell you that just looking at this idea of how I can glorify God through just being Alyssa and not living up to anyone else's standards is freeing....and I hope to continue to grow in this area. I REALLY need to let go...my heart really needs me to let go.