Loving Consistently

  The leaves are falling and we don't have a rake - oh yah...or time. Sunday night almost all of the leaves from our big tree in the front fell into our yard...Zac left Monday morning to work straight through to Friday (coming home at 9 pm every night) and I have no rake. I guess we'll just be "that house" on the street. You know the one...lawn rarely mowed, no landscaping...leaves piled up in the yard...we'll see if we hang Christmas lights or not.

  I've pushed the kids outdoors as much as possible the last two days - tomorrow is a high of 41 degrees brrrrrr!!!!!

  Finn even escaped outside without any pants on - he's so very clever. Finn is quite the little handful at present...giggling one moment, throwing things the next. He's so full of energy and can climb up EVERYTHING. He has this really funny habit he's started lately. If he hears me open the pantry door he runs to the table and climbs up in a chair...and just looks over his shoulder watching me and waiting for a goodie. I feel bad for him when I'm not actually serving snack. :)

  Other times he enjoys cuddling on the couch watching Baby Einstein or Cedarmont Kids Bible Songs. He loves imitating the sounds of the instruments ...I like his "bell" noise the most.

  So, we are going to have to content ourselves with lots of indoor activities these next few days. We made homemade play doh yesterday after Brady came home from school and the kids had a blast with that.

  The kids love the way the homemade playdoh smells when you color it with Kool Aid. Trinity's was cherry so she promptly fashioned a pie and served Tristan a big slice.

  As for MY indoor projects I have SEVERAL I'm working on. I downloaded a copy of 21 Days to a More Disciplined Life by Crystal Paine. She is the author of the blog Money Saving Mom and I have loved her advice over the years. Anyways, lately I've been having a really hard time feeling motivated or it seems when I begin ANYTHING I feel like it always gets undone in the next 3 minutes (you know, laundry...cleaning the kitchen...organizing the fridge) and I spend so much time cleaning up after littles that I have no time left for things that I really WANT and NEED to get done. Anyways, so I uploaded the book and the first assignment was to find one small project to complete today (I chose to clean off the top of the book shelf) and then to choose one MEGA project to work on over the next 21 days - doing a little each day for 21 days. I decided that project is going to be getting my extended families Christmas together...presents wrapped and boxed and Christmas cards made. That way I should be done by the end of November. Yes indeed...I like the idea of wrapping one gift at a time instead of spending 3 hours one day at the last minute. I also started working out today and I'm hoping to do this at least 3-4 days a week, and I'm going to be reading the book Hope for the Weary Mom. Anyhoo...so sorry to bore you but I'll probably blog about my goals and what I actually accomplish and if I actually finish the books I say I'm going to read. Girl needs some accountability.

  I've been enjoying the kids so much the last few days. I know what you're thinking "what? You don't enjoy them ALLLL of the time?!" In a word - NO. I always love them, but there are some times...especially when I forget the PURPOSE of mothering well ...that I start not enjoying them. Sure, it's okay to get tired sometimes and need a little coffee run or a chat with a friend or a shower...but I don't think it's okay to routinely need to escape, at least for me. It's like deciding that you want to return the very best gift you could ever be given...or at least give it away for awhile. I know how crazy I am about my blanket (Mr. Cozy) and I would NEVER give him away and the only time I need a break from him is in the summer...and even then I keep him in the living room to just appear "cozy." My vague point being...I shouldn't enjoy my blanket more then my kids. Or maybe...kids are cozy too? Never mind.
 Yes, mothering well is definitely a goal of mine. I've realized that I've lost touch with really really enjoying my kids, delighting in them. God has given mothers this awesome challenge of training up kind, considerate, well mannered , hard working individuals that LOVE HIM and seek to LOVE the world because of Him. They can't do that if I don't have time for them. They won't be kind to others if I scowl at them. They won't be unselfish if I am selfish. They won't be even tempered if I am full of anger. They won't love others first if I don't love them FIRST.

  And with that said...I loved them tonight by baking my first sweet potato casserole of the season for them to snack on...half with marshmallows and half with crumble topping. I read stories and made tea and drew warm bubble baths. I stopped several arguments WITHOUT raising my voice, I explained and reexplained and reexplained simple manners and ways to socialize with others (as you know, one...errrr...a couple of my littles have challenges in this area) - I even had to be firm with my Finn and he eventually got the message that it's NOT okay to scream and throw his cup when he doesn't want to be put to bed. That was a little sad for me but then again a victory because I was calm, he learned - and I now can confirm that babies that are 18 months can be trained to obey. Love sometimes can also be hard.

 After two bowls of sweet potato casserole he wasn't complaining much - took one for the team don't ya know? Anyways, it was a lovely day my dear readers...the kids are in bed and I'm about to go dish up a bowl of soup for myself.
And wouldn't you know it?
It's snowing.

Coffee, Cobbler, and Cuteness

The view from our front window is the same as it has been for 5 days - white. White and cold. I haven't really been brave enough to get out....my reasons being two fold :
1. I have no winter boots with good traction
2. I fear slipping and busting my "arse" and then going into labor or something dreadful like that.
Really...I think those are good reasons.

Thank goodness,however, for a husband that not only is BRAVE enough to go out in the weather with the kids....he enjoys it. He likes to be chilly....to have snowball fights and to build little snow firefighters in the yard....he likes to snowboard on his own homemade courses. A couple of days ago he and Brady rode over to the fire department because there was supposedly "the perfect hill" for snowboarding. They were out for TWO hours...spending most of their time running up the hill...because really....how long does it take to come down? Brady was so very worn out after that and slept like a baby at bedtime.

Yesterday Zac got a cold - the kind with the chest congestion where he just coughs and moans constantly all day. I will admit I have not been prepared this year for sickness...I've bought several medicinal teas but usually I have some homemade wild cherry bark tincture made up and some type of children's "boost the immunity" tincture brewed. I HAVE been giving everyone extra vitamin C and buying tons of kefir and yogurt to keep stomach illness at bay. At least that has been effective.

Needless to say, it was a rough night with my poor partner coughing constantly...the baby waking up and staying up for a hour...and I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I remember Zac and my conversation going something like this:

him : "Alyssa, I've gotta go to work soon....want to get up and take a shower?"

me : "no" (grumpy voice GREATLY implied.)

him : "would you like me to bring you a cup of coffee?"

me : "no" (even grumpier voice)

him : "are you feeling sick this morning? I could go make you a cup of tea with honey."

me : "no...I don't want tea." (voice went from grumpy to 100% annoyed.)

How very sad to have treated my super sweet, helpful husband that way. I DID get up and take a shower just because I realized that probably what he was trying to say was "Go take a shower and I will bring you a cup of coffee." :) Before he left I told him that I was sorry but that it was just one of those mornings where I didn't want to get up...go about my day...be a good mom - and there was NO choice. I had to be - basically "buck up" and I was "bucking against."

God was so very good because the day was the very opposite of my negative expectations. All my fears about being lonely, getting sick, the kids being horrible, feeling all *closed in* from the weather - actually never even became a reality. I wasn't lonely even a smidgen....I feel MUCH better, the kids were great....and I was able to totally clean their room up and clear clutter - always a good feeling for Alyssa (hence the picture at the top of this rather long segment. Sorry about the rambling.)

Brady and Trinity were reenacting Cinderella and needed to take a tea break (trin had milk.) I pretended to be their servant and addressed them as "your royal Highness" and so forth...this always got a little giggle. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again...I LOVE the fact that my little boys drinks herbal teas.

trinity was very helpful in cleaning her room...it went from being a death trap in there to a nice clean space...free of MANY toys. I love the way her dollhouse fits perfectly in the little nook under her bed. I basically applied my method of 'if you ain't using it, you don't keep it" to her room and it worked splendidly. I categorized all of her dolls and furry friends and would let her pick...say....2 out of 4 dolls to keep out...1 out of 3 monkeys....1 animal out of 5. It worked out very well and she was fine with the arrangement as long as I didn't actually get rid of her little friends (now would I do that?)

during this *prince and princess time* and cleaning of the room....little Tristan was up to being incredibly cute. I captured the moments in pictures....sorry I had to post three but they were just so darn cute.

see what I mean?

This afternoon Brady and I made a blueberry cobbler with all of it's honey whole wheat goodness...with a bit of flax and nutmeg. Yummo. I had just a tad too much...needless to say...it's fruit and yogurt for dinner this evening (for me, not the kids.) I love this recipe because it uses real ingredients and comes out delicately sweet and chock full of fruit.

And to end this somewhat disorganized post....my latest *deal.* Our lamp in the living room died...or at least was one it's way to death I'm sure. It was constantly flickering and sometimes wouldn't turn on...I had horrible visions of being burned to a crisp one night and Zac feeling complete crazed remorse and embarrassment that he lost his wife to a fire (remember folks that he's a fire fighter.) I always am careful not to burn myself just because I feel like it would embarrass him terribly...silly I know.

Anyways, we went to TJ Maxx and all the lamps were over 40 dollars, too much for my budget at the moment. On our way out I noticed a table set up in a corner with this white beauty sitting on top....clearanced down to 15 dollars. Score. I looked at Zac and said "like it?" He looked at the price and said "yep" - because the price was so perfect for our needs... I even got a bag of organic lollipops and some maple syrup. :) As the song goes "what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man." So, lessons learned from today :

- don't ever say "no" when your hubby is offering for you to shower and for him to bring you coffee in the morning - it's just plain stupid folks.

- don't predict the day before it starts - it's just plain stupid folks.

- continue to bake delicious desserts....try not to eat as much.

- de cluttering is definitely a good thing

- take pictures of your baby's cuteness so that when he crys for a hour in the night, you can have the photos flashing across your mind - a sure fire way to love him despite the chaos.

have a lovely evening,

xoxo Alyssa

Still in Love, Finn Becomes Eggburt, and Sushi

I dropped my dear love off today at the shuttle station ..... tears misted my eyes as I pulled the van away from him. Strange. I thought the phase of crying over a 3 days separation from my hubby would be over by now, but 'tis not. Takes me back to all those times many, many years ago before we were married and we would only see each other 2-3 times a year. I remember visiting him in Colorado and when my time there was done, him driving me to the airport and me feeling like a piece of me was breaking in half (obviously my heart) - I remember being so overwhelmed after saying good bye that I could barely breathe. The security guards all treated my very kindly that day - probably because my face was all red and puffy from crying. :) You know what though? I'm glad it bothers me to be away from Zac...I'm glad that he is my home. If you think of it, please pray for his safety as he is away from us and that God would help bring to mind the correct answers for the test he will be taking. Thanks.

The kids and I had a productive day. I decided to just push my tiredness aside and get on with life....get on with loving my kids. We played a bit of hide and seek around the house, had a nice lunch together and then Tristan and Trinity both napped at the same time. Wonderful. While they were asleep I took a look at moneysavingmom.com and saw that Babies R Us was having this amazing deal on some much needed items around here...so I took their nap time to rest, print off coupons, and plan my attack of the shopping world. I got these Earth's Best diapers for 3 dollars after coupons, the two little shirts for Trin ended up being 2 dollars each and I got the little lined croc-like shoes for 3 dollars. Score! I don't know if it's just me or this area or maybe the places I shop but I'm having the hardest time finding used shoes and clothing that are still in good shape for my little Trinity. The consignment shop that I normally shop at has raised their prices considerably....I can find better deals on clearance racks than I can there nowadays. Right now she has 3 long sleeve shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, a sweater or two....maybe a couple t shirts. The girl could use some clothes folks...mama's on the hunt.

Zac replaced all four tires on our van two days ago, got the oil changed, battery tested and the system cleaned out just to make sure I had a good working vehicle in his absence. Wouldn't you know that when I got all the kids strapped into their car seats outside of Babies R Us the car wouldn't start! It took me 4 times cranking it...I almost panicked. I remembered to pray to Heavenly Father and then the car started...thank you God! I seriously don't know what I would have done because I was 45 minutes from home...almost supper time and no one to really call.

I then took the kids to Earthfare to get them their free Thursday healthy kid's meal. Have you heard of this folks?! If you have an Earthfare around you, every Thursday night with the purchase of an adult meal ($5) you can get up to 6 free kid's meals. This is amazingly awesome for those of us that have a hard time affording to eat out....and gosh...I could procreate 2 more kids and still have free meals on Thursdays (I'm not seriously thinking of more kids yall, just giving an example.) The food is great too....hummus veggie wraps or provolone and turkey, yogurts and organic raisins...or you could choose a fruit kabob....each kid's meals comes with an organic milk or fruit juice - wonderful! Earthfare does this as their own private fight against childhood obesity...good stuff. Make sure you're on their mailing list two because each week they have a different coupon for something free with a five dollar purchase (last week I got a box of organic chocolate and caramel truffles.)

All in all, the day was fine. I enjoyed being a mother today - funny statement? Maybe...but true. I am the first to tell you that I love my kids but I do NOT always enjoy the demands of motherhood. It's tiring stuff, especially when you're trying to do it right.

Little Finn is growing and kicking me every which way. I welcome his kicks, have prayed for the day that he would kick and turn and toss. Brady and Trinity asked if they could talk to him tonight....I was a little taken aback but said "sure." Trinity lifts my shirt to where they could but their mouths up against my belly button and speak...as if that's the magic port of communication with a baby. Brady gets a grin on his face and says very seriously "Baby Finn...we have decided to change your name to...Eggburt." The two of them just busted up laughing. Little goobers.
This little mama is off to eat some sushi - *off* meaning in my living room ,in pjs -in front of the television. :) I decided to make my $5 meal sushi tonight since Zac doesn't care for it...don't worry guys, I got the california roll (cooked crab, cream cheese, cucumber and avacado in brown rice.)

Warning - Long Post Ahead

Precious boy how I love you. Your imagination inspires me, your laughter lightens my heart, your tears draw compassion out of the innermost parts of my being...places I didn't know existed until you were part of my world. The glow in your eyes reminds me of sunshine, your laughter is as warm as the rain....you thrill me. How much I want for you...how much I want to give to you my first "heart string."
The idea of 'mother' has definitely always been romanticised in my head. Growing up i thought of the glow of being pregnant as effortless...a breeze. I thought that babies were all just sweet smelling bundles of love....toddlers manageable as long as trained in the correct way (of course I knew which way that was) and then older children were always helpers that would just love me and I them....we would be best of friends, at the same time they would have the deepest respect for me and devotion...and I them.
Being a mother still is all that...just add to it a lot of back labor and torn out hair...a lot of tears and agony...a lot of crying out to God for strength and courage....love and more love...sometimes feeling like there is no more "goodness" left to give. There is friendship, but there is also a lot of strain and being "tough" when my body wants so badly to just rest....not to clean up one more mess....not to cook one more meal....not to kiss one more uncontrollable torrent of tears away. I don't think I ever realized that there was actually "sacrifice" involved in motherhood and for a long time...i wouldn't admit to it. i didn't want to call it that because i felt like saying that I was sacrificing part of myself was actually selfish...I should just WANT to give myself to whatever purpose God has called me to...and I wouldn't suffer at all - it would be counted as joy.

I'm starting to realize that it's okay that I use the word "sacrifice." God calls us to give of ourselves - I don't think He says "give of yourself until you feel you deserve a break...." But, just knowing that while I'm scrubbing the dishes that I am giving my family something(the pleasure of eating off of clean dishes the next meal)...turning that sacrifice into a smile...not a grimace. Now that is truly sweet....to bend my will and my wants to what God wants...to try and take just a morsel of the goodness that God has said I could have...and then to learn and grow. To start noticing that when I give a part of myself and start seeing it as "a good thing" , serving and giving becomes something in time I want to do - hopefully by my 40's it'll be like breathing to me...just happens without me even noticing. I know...wishful thinking...maybe not. :)
I came across this quote in a little book given to me on Mother's Day from my Grandma Grace, and it is my heart in words...

Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own. - Marguerite kelly and Elia Parsons

The mother loves her child most divinely, not when she surrounds him with comfort and anticipates his wants, but when she resolutely holds him to the highest standards and is content with nothing less than his best. - Hamilton Wright Mabie



I think there are times that I do struggle for my "individuality" - and there are so many women(people) that do the same. But, I'm wondering if that's really what God intends for us to do? We all want to be special and stand out...forgetting that just being a creation shaped by the ultimate Artist we already are perfect and a masterpiece. Is struggling for individuality really a worthwhile thing to pursue - I think not if it makes one miserable in the pursuit. Plus, what's so special about a made up person, a fabricated person of 'I'm such and such because one day I realized I wasn't special so i put myself first for once and became 'THIS' ." hmmmm....that attitude just doesn't seem honoring to anyone other than self. I think that we all have special gifts and we should share those with others...and through serving and being selfless we will become who we want to be -us. Others will want to spend time with you....opportunities will come for "shining"....just by being who God wants us to be...servants, thoughtful, lovers of what is good...keepers of peace.

Today I started a piece I'm going to call "Once Upon a Time." I thought about it last night while I was lying in bed...started thinking of Brady and his infatuation with the Little Red Riding Hood and how much I love anything whimsical or fairytalish...so I started today and maybe since zac is at work today i might can work on it all night and finish tomorrow? Once i start these things I get so impatient to see how it's going to turn out I have to remind myself to be calm...breathe...prioritize. If you know me then you realize it's not far off for me to need to be reminded to breathe...I'm just a type A ...that's all there is to it. And by golly...speaking of Little Red Riding Hood...is that a BIG BAD WOLF i SEE ?!!!!!

Sure enough ! Just about the cutest howling wolf ever....love the fur vest and sucker sticks for ears! I told you the kid had imagination...wish I would have taken pictures of his cat outfit today - it was a HOOT !!!

yesterday Trinity learned the fine art of preparing a tuna sandwich. Not JUST a tuna sandwich...but the tuna deluxe with a capital "D." Yall, I have been craving pickles like crazy. And,no, all of you jokers - i'm not preggers. I just WANT dill pickles all of the time...cold crunchy juicy pickles and all of their mildly tart goodness.

the way to make the best tuna sandwich :

- Two cans of tuna, drained

- 2 diced boiled eggs

- about 2-3 T of mayo (the Kraft brand with olive oil is DELICIOUS)

- a smidgen of mustard

- salt and pepper to taste

Now, layer that on a homemade bun with some pickles and lettuce...as my family would say "that'll make ya wanna slap your granny in a creek." ( you know how old southern expressions are....pointless yet making the exact point you want to make.)

We were able to do school again today and Brady is coming right along with his reading and writing his numbers. He can count to 100 just fine and knows all of the "pre school" stuff already. We did this little book - courtesy of a weak moment at Chik-fil-a and a happy meal....and i was surprised with how educational it was. It was basically teaching about how the earth spins and the sun is still, and how "days" are made.

To make the point a little more clear for the 2 year old brain, I got the ol' family globe out and demonstrated by making a flashlight the sun and having the kids point it at North America. I would spin the globe around making sure that they kept the flashlight on the same spot...demonstrating that when the beam of light wasn't on North America it was night...and then back around until it was morning again. They loved it. :)

This little goober just napped the whole time...very convenient for me to have that hour window with the two oldest in the late morning to just focus on them. oh yah...we also water colored for awhile...the kids have made everyone we know a drawing so if you get one in the mail sometimes soon...act ecstatic.

poor runny nose kid. Teething is such a pain - literally.

i got this great idea from another blog a couple weeks ago (don't remember which blog -oops!) about how to create your own first reader as a baby gift. Using scrabble letters you spell out different words and photograph them on white, then take a picture of that object. Brady was clearly "silly." Have you noticed how all of his pictures are blurry? the kids can't sit still to save his life.

Trin wanted a turn....

She thought the idea marvelous....like - going on a merry go round - kind of fun.

I can't wait to compile all of my photos and put together my little book. I think I'll use the blurb program again since I had such good results with that last time. I'm thinking about making it for trin for her birthday since it would make the perfect "3" gift. I'm still trying to think of what to do for Koala Bear - his birthday is NEXT MONTH!!! Where did time go....I need another baby so I can sacrifice a bit more. :)

Seriously though, being a wife and mother is so incredibly fulfilling and has been the joy in my life. I wouldn't change a bit of it....maybe Brady's crazy OCD tendency...but then again, there's so many things I love about him DUE to that tendency...so nope....wouldn't change a thing. Anyways, if you change something it usually changes a lot of somethings.

Busy Bee

Walking into Trin's room this morning you would have a clear and keen understanding of what the rest of our home looks like....very, very lived in- to say the least. We're not the only ones living here either....an abundance of fruit flies have popped up along with all the *good things* spring offers. I took pictures of the dining room and the kitchen - then realized that I need not post them. Trin's room does a good enough job of summing up things around here. So, you think I busied myself this morning and put hand to broom? Sort of....but not really.

We picnicked. Yes - no washing of the dishes....only half of the clothes folded....crumbs are still covering the dining room floor (that would be ONE benefit to having a dog is that at least I wouldn't have to bother with crumbs....I loath crumbs.)

The earth was just to pretty to stay sequestered in our 900 square feet of filth this morning - no indeed...the robins needed us...the bees needed us (Brady did NOT agree on that point), the flowers needed to be sniffed by us....the trees needed us to lay on our backs beneath their branches...looking up, up so high at their outstretched fingers....such strong fingers aren't they? I love trees.

But most of all...I needed us. I needed the giggles and smiles that come with picnics of homemade biscuits and blueberry jam....fresh strawberries and bright orange carrot sticks. I needed to see the sun wrap its warm light around my babies, I need the wind to gently tussle their hair and sing them sweet billowy songs....spring songs. I needed to feel like a fun mom...a creative mom....a "you're more important to me then the dishes" mom. I needed to secure in my mind the image of my little enjoying me.

"Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of peace of the world." Mother Theresa

It's against my grain to not be 'in a rush' ALL of the time. Zac will tell you - I'm the world's busiest person. Not because I actually have more to do or better things to accomplish with my time then everyone else....it's the way I do things. It's extremely hard for me to relax...to really take in the moments. I'm always busy....busy baking, busy cleaning, busy washing, busy drying - busy running, busy walking, busy talking...busy thinking, busy loving, busy laughing, busy crying...busy busy busy! I'm so caught up sometimes with what I'm doing and what I'm going through at this moment (and thinking about what I'll be going through in 10 years) that I begin leaving everyone out of my picture...instead of seeing the big picture. I forget God....I forget to take Him with me throughout the day....I forget that He wants to walk beside me ...that He wants me to remember Him while I'm so busy...so He can calm me. So he can perfect me...so He can use that busyness for good.

My heart has heard you say,"Come and talk with me."

And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."

- Psalm 27:8

Today....I'm walking with the Lord...I'm talking to Him....I'm taking Him with me. My heart sings knowing that He wants me and He delights in me the same way that I delight in my littles. I urge each of you to talk to Him today....talk with Him about whatever it is that you are excited about...share your struggles with him...share your heart. Let LOVE embrace you and hold you close....be a child to your Father. Be brutally honest with Him...He already knows anyways. Just let it go. Smile at your Master and let Him know you love Him...let Him show you what you mean to Him. Let Him keep you safe from the world and their never ending temptations and cruelty...let Him open your eyes to beauty that surrounds you. Let Him know your insecurities, also let Him know what you're thankful for. Be busy being with Him, sharing your life with Him....let Him use you for good.

I did finish the laundry...diapers are out to dry...but I think the dishes are just going to wait today. The day is still sunny and I'll definitely be breathing some fresh air this afternoon with my kids. I could live off of their giggles. :) Have a wonderful Wednesday friends.....

*Alyssa Spring*

Change of Plans...

A realization that I'm slowly coming to is that my plans are not necessarily the plans that the Master has for me. I can push, push, push and no matter how innocent my wants might be...or how justifiable....they don't necessarily HAVE to be for my life to be full of happiness.
Zac and I were extremely fortunate to have the possibility of spending the weekend alone with Tristan in Knoxville. Brayden and Trin were both kept by good friends, safe and having so much fun they didn't even realize we were gone! Zac and i had a nice dinner together and then we walked around different stores browsing and making a few purchases...then back to the hotel for a blissful night of sleep...all curled up under the fluffy down comforter (may i just add here that owning a down comforter AND down pillows has become a new heart's desire of mine....it feels like you're sleeping underneath a cloud.)After a week of missing Zac and a week's loss of sleep I felt so content and blissful lying next to him. I became deliriously in love with the thought of sleep...
I nursed little Tristan and laid him down in his little pack and play then climbed into bed. Tristan stirred so I got back out of bed and repositioned him...then he cried. I comforted him and put him back into place and climbed back underneath the previously mentioned cloud. The baby woke up again....I got back out of bed. Repeat this about 10 times, zac and I alternating getting up, soothing the little....climbing back in bed....eyes heavy with the need for sleep, bodies exhausted. Fast forward 3 hours....eyes shut, bodies more then exhausted....still trying to comfort little Koala Bear.
I came to the realization as I saw zac so very tired and I saw the baby so very tired and I felt SO VERY TIRED that this just wasn't going to work. Out of bed we came, bags were packed silently and the baby was placed in his car seat with the hopes that he would enjoy slumber on the hour and a half drive back to dalton...where he and I would be spending the remainder of our weekend.
Now, a brave and bold more you might say? Bold yes...brave no - for I cried at least 30 minutes in the car...watching the lights and restaurants and shopping areas passing me by...holding on to Zac's hand wishing so bad that I could stay in his presence for the whole weekend like I had planned...like we had wanted. We got home around 3 am and zac slept for 3 hours and then had to drive back to Knoxville to coach and spend the night and Sunday morning.
It was hard for me to tell Zac that he just needed to take me home...but i knew it was best for him and the baby-probably me too (I just haven't come to terms quite yet.) Tristan has done much better today at home - poor little fella just feels awful though. I think he's having some crazy allergies or something because he is coughing and has super red eyes...just not comfy. Zac will be able to sleep and have a nice afternoon after the games even though I know he wishes with all of his heart that I was there. How nice to know that he wants me. :) it's a good feeling to know that someone enjoys themselves more when you are there....
Another reason for me wanting to come home is that Zac and I were able to have a really great dinner and time together - things were going smoothly. The first hour the baby was crying....things weren't as smooth yet still manageable. towards that 1 am time slot things were about to boil over...i could feel it. Tiredness and exasperation were setting in and I just didn't want either one of us to say things that we would regret (things you don't mean to say but do when everyone is frustrated and exhausted.) More then anything i wanted to take the memory of the sweet time we had together - i was afraid of the same evening repeating itself Saturday night as well and the trip home on Sunday being tense. This next upcoming Zac will be doing a lot of overtime(meaning he won't be around much) - and I just didn't want to start it off stressed.
Being a good mama can be difficult - but it's my joy. I refuse to be upset at the baby for "ruining our plans " and for changing my weekend away. I know that 'for everything there is a season' and i also know that "he will not give me more then i can handle." I'm so very tired and yet I feel peaceful this afternoon all alone in the house. This morning I wasn't able to sleep since the baby was awake so i got to work. Don't you find the busyness is the best remedy for self pity? Brayden's door now has a fresh coat of paint on it and all the floors in the house are swept and mopped. The living room carpet has had a dousing of baking soda and is vacuumed....the bathroom ceiling also is brighter after I attacked it with a coat of Kiltz.



God wants me to be content and happy no matter what the circumstances. My life is a happier one with my kids then without them - funny how people long for a child and then the first time the baby stays awake all night they think about and wish for "the good ol' days" when all they(I) had to do was care for themselves. My heart's desire is to be tender towards my child when they most need it - at times when it's the hardest to be gracious and comforting. I want to be patient when every part of my insides is screaming...i want to display love. Tristan is peacefully resting in his little bed right now...this morning he watched two rounds of Baby Einstein and ate a huge mound of cheerios with his new little teeth...such a sweetie. Oops...just heard him waking. I'm off to comfort my little Cuddles. Hope everyone has a lovely weekend....I'm feeling another "cleaning spree" coming on - cleaning is also a good cure for loneliness. *~

Cherishing

So this day's *projects* that I was counting on doing involved these minor ones:
1. Washing dishes

2. Vacuuming

3. Cleaning out Trin's room

4. Making bread

I know what you're thinking..."wow", "how inspirational" , "creative", "gee...wish I could do that." My creative zest took off this morning in huge strides and then fell flat on it's face. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to actually complete a project that lasts for awhile. When I say "awhile" I mean something that actually stays in place or is pretty to look at for a long time.

To bake is to be satisfied...yet the *goods*are gobbled down in 10 minutes around here and nothing is left except a few crumbs and slightly full looking bellies. Vaccuuming is good while the crisp vertical lines remain on the carpet....but then the aforesaid "crumbs" find their way into the fibers and little running feet...stomping, chasing feet...turn the vertical lines into crazy circles. Making the bed is nice while the sheets are tight and the bedspread smooth...and then a good game of "jump" occurs and the bed no longer is fit to look at -still soft though(I guess that's what really counts).

I'm slowly learning to become content in the disarray around here and the never ending pile of dishes...the mounds of laundry that just never get washed AND folded in the same day (gulp....sometimes not folded at all...just used straight out of the basket.) I think I truly am realizing through much reading and LOTS of encouragement from older, wiser mothers...that my kids are little for such a very short time. Cherish. I love that word...is there anything better than being *cherished*? The images that pop into my head when I hear that word are all just...well...lovely. A red plaid picnic blanket spread out over soft grass...a lady sitting with her love's head in her lap and they're smiling..cherishing. A woman with long hair rocking a sleeping baby and humming the tune to "Hush Little Baby" over and over again, cherishing her baby...loving him like no one else ever could or will. A little girl hugging (or choking if your Trin) a fluffy kitty...maybe a family all sitting around the table to a home cooked meal, laughing and enjoying the company of only those who love them unconditionally...only those that cherish them for who they are and what they will become. Cherish.

Christ hanging on a tree...looking out at eyes that hate...yet His own eyes soft and loving. To think that in that huge crowd of people He saw me...He saw my angry eyes...my loathing judgemental angry face...yet he wanted me and cherished me. Gosh I wish that I could give that same grace to my kids when they look at me with a rebellious countenance. If I could just envision myself in that crowd of scorners...my fist shaking and my feet stomping at the one who loves me most, maybe I could do a better job at extending a little more mercy to the ones I love most. To be like Him...how I wish I could. I can...because of Him.

So...tomorrow there may be more dishes and laundry...there WILL be more. Nothing creative may get done except a coloring or two...maybe some muffins...but I won't feel like I'm less. I'm more because He made me more.

And besides...getting a smile like this over a simple dinner is the best reward ever. Gosh I love my family. How is it that God in all His creativity and knowing and power and EVERYTHING knew me...my little self...and knew exactly what to give me. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it. He knew that I needed Zac in my life to help me grow and to learn to love. He knew that I needed to be crammed into a 900 square foot home with three kids to learn patience and thankfulness. He knew that I needed Brady to scream at me everyday for a year to hear the way I screamed internally at Heavenly Father for so long...sometimes even now. He knew that I needed a little girl that would sing and dance and cuddle because I needed to see how to be lighthearted...and to have beauty actually taking up residence in my home. Trin is beauty. He knew that I would need a little baby to love and cuddle after a long day's work...such a sweet reward. He knows that I DON'T have to have a clean home at every possible waking moment. I don't have to look put together on the outside all of the time...as long as my "insides" are in the right place...and,no, I don't mean my internal organs people! Have a blessed day everyone.
~Alyssa Spring