A realization that I'm slowly coming to is that my plans are not necessarily the plans that the Master has for me. I can push, push, push and no matter how innocent my wants might be...or how justifiable....they don't necessarily HAVE to be for my life to be full of happiness.
Zac and I were extremely fortunate to have the possibility of spending the weekend alone with Tristan in Knoxville. Brayden and Trin were both kept by good friends, safe and having so much fun they didn't even realize we were gone! Zac and i had a nice dinner together and then we walked around different stores browsing and making a few purchases...then back to the hotel for a blissful night of sleep...all curled up under the fluffy down comforter (may i just add here that owning a down comforter AND down pillows has become a new heart's desire of mine....it feels like you're sleeping underneath a cloud.)After a week of missing Zac and a week's loss of sleep I felt so content and blissful lying next to him. I became deliriously in love with the thought of sleep...
I nursed little Tristan and laid him down in his little pack and play then climbed into bed. Tristan stirred so I got back out of bed and repositioned him...then he cried. I comforted him and put him back into place and climbed back underneath the previously mentioned cloud. The baby woke up again....I got back out of bed. Repeat this about 10 times, zac and I alternating getting up, soothing the little....climbing back in bed....eyes heavy with the need for sleep, bodies exhausted. Fast forward 3 hours....eyes shut, bodies more then exhausted....still trying to comfort little Koala Bear.
I came to the realization as I saw zac so very tired and I saw the baby so very tired and I felt SO VERY TIRED that this just wasn't going to work. Out of bed we came, bags were packed silently and the baby was placed in his car seat with the hopes that he would enjoy slumber on the hour and a half drive back to dalton...where he and I would be spending the remainder of our weekend.
Now, a brave and bold more you might say? Bold yes...brave no - for I cried at least 30 minutes in the car...watching the lights and restaurants and shopping areas passing me by...holding on to Zac's hand wishing so bad that I could stay in his presence for the whole weekend like I had planned...like we had wanted. We got home around 3 am and zac slept for 3 hours and then had to drive back to Knoxville to coach and spend the night and Sunday morning.
It was hard for me to tell Zac that he just needed to take me home...but i knew it was best for him and the baby-probably me too (I just haven't come to terms quite yet.) Tristan has done much better today at home - poor little fella just feels awful though. I think he's having some crazy allergies or something because he is coughing and has super red eyes...just not comfy. Zac will be able to sleep and have a nice afternoon after the games even though I know he wishes with all of his heart that I was there. How nice to know that he wants me. :) it's a good feeling to know that someone enjoys themselves more when you are there....
Another reason for me wanting to come home is that Zac and I were able to have a really great dinner and time together - things were going smoothly. The first hour the baby was crying....things weren't as smooth yet still manageable. towards that 1 am time slot things were about to boil over...i could feel it. Tiredness and exasperation were setting in and I just didn't want either one of us to say things that we would regret (things you don't mean to say but do when everyone is frustrated and exhausted.) More then anything i wanted to take the memory of the sweet time we had together - i was afraid of the same evening repeating itself Saturday night as well and the trip home on Sunday being tense. This next upcoming Zac will be doing a lot of overtime(meaning he won't be around much) - and I just didn't want to start it off stressed.
Being a good mama can be difficult - but it's my joy. I refuse to be upset at the baby for "ruining our plans " and for changing my weekend away. I know that 'for everything there is a season' and i also know that "he will not give me more then i can handle." I'm so very tired and yet I feel peaceful this afternoon all alone in the house. This morning I wasn't able to sleep since the baby was awake so i got to work. Don't you find the busyness is the best remedy for self pity? Brayden's door now has a fresh coat of paint on it and all the floors in the house are swept and mopped. The living room carpet has had a dousing of baking soda and is vacuumed....the bathroom ceiling also is brighter after I attacked it with a coat of Kiltz.
God wants me to be content and happy no matter what the circumstances. My life is a happier one with my kids then without them - funny how people long for a child and then the first time the baby stays awake all night they think about and wish for "the good ol' days" when all they(I) had to do was care for themselves. My heart's desire is to be tender towards my child when they most need it - at times when it's the hardest to be gracious and comforting. I want to be patient when every part of my insides is screaming...i want to display love. Tristan is peacefully resting in his little bed right now...this morning he watched two rounds of Baby Einstein and ate a huge mound of cheerios with his new little teeth...such a sweetie. Oops...just heard him waking. I'm off to comfort my little Cuddles. Hope everyone has a lovely weekend....I'm feeling another "cleaning spree" coming on - cleaning is also a good cure for loneliness. *~