Feb 5, 2010

Psycho

Here I sit...a sweet baby resting in my lap...light violin music flowing through my home....a lulling quietness. As lovely as all of this sounds I feel anything but "peaceful." Admission number one - I have a VERY hard time turning of my brain. There is always a checklist in my mind that has never been crossed off...the food I could be preparing, the walls I could be painting, the projects I could be sewing, the books I should be reading...the house that needs selling...the money that needs saving, the letters that could be being written and sent to the dozens of people that love us...it's never ending. You would think even if I accomplished two of these items I should be able to sit on the couch and enjoy a moments rest...a little quiet. No matter...I will sit but the wheels continue turning in my brain until I feel like shouting "be still!!!!!"
Today I have only done one load of laundry and one load of dishes (I refer to dishes as *load* because they feel more like a heavy never ending task then a *sinkful* which makes me think of warm soapy water and sweet smelling soap.) When it's summer and there is sunlight sparkling through my window I will refer to the dishes as *sinkful.* Speaking of summer...Brady just came out of his room wearing nothing but a pair of swim trunks...a much too small pair of swim trunks. :) Such a crack up.
Back to my brain. Do any of you have the never ceasing spinning brain? Tis a dilemma I've had all my life. I remember laying on my bed in the dorm, listening to my dorm parents flip the tape(cds on repeat were unheard of in those days...makes me feel kind of old saying that)over several times...waiting for me to fall asleep. For awhile in college I began taking Tylonel PM...only for a week ,mind you, because I began feeling a a slight dependence on them. And now...I just rely on a cup of tea and a book.
Something I've always longed for is just simple silence in my mind and heart. I'm slowly getting there...it's taking time. Garbage being tossed out over and over again...slowly uncluttering the deep parts of my soul. Scary images in my brain that I'm trying to cover over with good images(why did I put them there in the first place?) Now I'm trying to work on allowing myself to be okay with life not going my way on my schedule. I feel like I've been talking about this a lot lately...probably because it's something I struggle with. I guess that might be Admission number two- I'm basically a psycho. :) That's what Zac calls me (in the most loving way you can call someone a psycho.) I can't be still and I feel the most happy when something is being accomplished. Being a hard worker is a good thing...but an obsessed doer can be a drag on other people's "good time." I need to really take hold of the knowledge that we only live once...take some enjoyment out of life instead of seeing that never ending chore list (one that I'm quite enthusiastic about but it makes other people that AREN'T lazy FEEL lazy.)
And lastly, even though there are so many more admissions, number THREE....hold your breath because any of you that know me will be very surprised (cough cough...extreme sarcasm permeating that statement) - I'm critical. I honestly don't mean to be...but I am. I'm critical of everything and everyone. It can be good criticism or bad criticism, I always have an opinion(sometimes unspoken but you can count on the fact that I'm always thinking something in that forever spinning head of mine.) I have a very hard time seeing that things can be done any other way then my perfect way. Pride might be another good word to insert here. My hand is raised and I'm owning it. It hurts me when my family isn't perfect...when my house isn't perfect...when life isn't perfect...when things that I deserve are taken away from me...when people I love don't love me back the way I want them too...I guess it all comes down to the point that I am prideful and think that everything should be my way. This stinks. I would rather point my little index finger at anything or anyone else then me...but the truth is...only I can control my attitude in any given circumstance...no matter how much hurt or how crushed my expectations have been.
So...with these admissions I'm going to try my best to be more upbeat....to stop running around in circles on this crazy cycle of life passing by the roses and daisies that SHOULD be being smelled and enjoyed - to see the beauty in someone else's creative idea, no matter how different it is then mine. To not care if other's approve of my personal choices...to stop living to impress.
So, with all of these ramblings I come back to the conclusion that was before mention at the top of this post...it all comes down to - I think to much.

2 comments:

The Toplovs said...

I wouldn't say you are Psycho. I would say you are reedeemed by the Blood of the Lamb. You are a new creation and though pride rears its ugly head in our lives, it is NOT our master. Praise God for revealing these sins to you so that in His power you can be made stronger.

And as a sidenote: I'm a very critical, prideful person as well. But it won't stay that way as long as Christ is in me.

Matt, Laura, Haley and Baby said...

I like this post - it's honest and sometimes it's really good to get these things out on "paper" - very cool to read, and very inspirational to me, to take a look at my own life. Thanks!

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