I've always described my self as a pessimist...then over the last couple of years I've changed it to a *realist.* I have a hard time with "hope" because it can so easily change to a crushed dream. The days leading up to Zac's departure I noticed myself becoming a little distant...with him, with my kiddos...with the world in general (referring to my midnight deletion of facebook and my other blog Green Mama in a Rainbow World.)
The morning my love was suppose to leave we were sitting in our room and I just told him point blank "I think I distance myself from situations or things that are going to hurt me....like I know you're leaving and it will hurt so I'm not wanting to be super intimate. I don't want to think about the possibility of moving because that might not be a reality...I don't want to get my hopes up." I'm not saying that this response from me was right, in fact...it can be hurtful to those around me - what I am saying is that I've noticed that I have this defense mechanism and I'm working on it.
One hope that I had was to deliver at least one of our babies at home...if not our home then a midwive's home. My last pregnancy before Finn I had found the perfect midwife. I had the cost all figured up and even though I knew that we could cover the WHOLE birth for free with Medicaid, Zac allowed me to set aside the funds to be able to see my dream become a reality. So...I met with the midwife...I walked into her sunny home complete with plants and white drapes....woven rugs and gorgeous photos of pregnant bellies all over the walls (found out that she is also a photographer) - needless to say I was in heaven. I toured the rooms that would be my birthing room, saw the whirlpool tub where I envisioned myself gaining relief from a medication free labor.
Three hours after I got home and shared my excitement with Zac, I miscarried. All of that to say, that dream was definitely lost and Finn will be born at the hospital basically because of monetary necessity. After paying for all of my emergency room bills and then Zac's knee surgery last year...the funds just aren't there. I'm not sure if this sounds trivial to any of you....I've heard the "as long as your baby comes out healthy then it was a good delivery" from my doctor on several occasions. And...in the end...that is true. But it was the experience that I wanted...the quiet intimate environment that you just don't get in a sterile hospital.
Coming back to *hope* is this....God saw all of this before I did. For some reason I was allowed to go to that home and tour it....to see the birth in my dreams - maybe that was a gift? If I wouldn't have gone there that day I never would have even had a glimpse of the reality, and now looking back...I'm thankful to have been able to be a part of something so beautiful...to show that I'm a supporter of home births....that I at least thought of it as a possibility for me.
I'm not sure why I'm posting about this today...perhaps because it's that I feel Father telling me to have joy even when I'm not sure if things are going to work out the way that I have them all planned. I'm glad that the Author of the Universe has a dream for me and as long as I am willing to follow Him it will become my dream...the two will co exist and there will be joy.