Finn will have his first birthday in about two weeks. I was telling zac how strange it is to me that he will never remember any part of Georgia, he will be a Colorado boy. Except for the pictures that he sees and the stories we will tell him - he won't remember this little home. He won't remember the long afternoons in the sunshine, barefoot in the grass with his sister reading to him - the city "Dalton" will be some foreign land that even when he is 14 he'll have to be reminded about where he was born. I know this...Zac always forgets the city in Missouri that he was born in.
He won't remember his little friend Max and how they once sat in the yard, eating handfuls of dirt together as me and my friend just watched....not really caring one smidge (by the time you get to your third and fourth baby dirt just doesn't really phase you anymore.) I use to get upset at the dog because Finn would throw food on the floor, the dog would lick it up and I would be upset because it was wasted...I was going to let the baby have it. He's got a strong stomach folks....be real here...it really is okay.
The afternoons have been lovely. I've felt very accomplished even though sometimes I think maybe I'm being naive. I've been trying to make lists (long lists) and just cross things off as I go. It's strange to have a friend's name on your list (wanting to spend time with everyone) and then seeing them, and crossing them off. Not to say that I'm crossing them out of my life...that I'm putting them in a jar up on a shelf labeled "past life" and they are there forever just as a memory...but it's still a small representation of "moving on." I hate that part.
God has felt close to me these last couple weeks. I can feel Him near me especially in the sad hours. There are things going on, separate from our move, that I am really struggling with. I have a family member who is in a very bad place right now, and it saddens my heart so much. To think about what they are going through...I can't...it's too much. I feel like I'm fine while I'm busy....and then when I race to the store or I'm alone in the shower, the hurt seeps in and I feel it completely and totally. My mind feels like exploding from the pain that is in my heart - and I pray - the tears haven't come this easily for a long time. My eyes burn a lot. It's so strange that during such intense pain I also feel vivid joy.
I've never seen God work in my life in the very tangible way that He is now. I see now, after much striving and worrying and not understanding...I see His timing a little more clearly. All of the pieces are falling into place.
Good news...a friend of Zac's at the fire department took our puppy for us....such a huge relief. I'm 100% convinced that I will not have another animal for a long long time. I have too many other things to take care of, that with little Ozzy I felt constant guilt that I wasn't training him or cuddling with him enough...that I wasn't exercising him and being the kind of owner that I wanted to be. At the end of the day though, when my littles would be tucked in and the night was calm...the last thing on earth I wanted to do was play fetch, or be barked at or jumped on (and it was my fault that he still jumped because I didn't take the time to train him.) Now he has a big fenced yard, dog friends....a good environment. I cried when he left...and I still do sometimes. Good byes are hard. All goodbyes.
But my littles are worth it. I would move the universe for them if I could. Brady and his gentle ways...how he plays with my hair and pats my arm. Trinity and her never ending funny phrases that pop out of her mouth...the way she loves for me to talk to her - about anything. Tristan and his shyness and his constant need to be cuddled. Finn and his tiny hands and feet and the way he takes 4 steps, then get's shaky and giggles at himself....he knows he's getting big. I'm so blessed ....I'm so thankful that God has given me these treasures.
I'm so excited about the future and our summer in gorgeous Colorado. I can't wait to hike on a trail, to sit outside and drink a coffee in the CLEAR air (I haven't been in a dry climate for 6 years) - I can't wait to have a bedroom!
So, our tentative plan is to leave the second week of May. We are working on our housing situation....I may have an answer on that in the next couple of days. We are renting a big moving truck and we are going to hitch up my Papa's truck that....Zac will drive the moving truck with a very excited Brady sitting next to him. I'll be following in the minivan with LOTS of snacks and LOTS of movies and LOTS of patience (I'm sure.)