Jun 6, 2012


It seems hardly fair to be going through this again. I've been *relaxed* about it, made light of it...even joked about it from time to time. I'd say things like "wow, guess I can't make boys right" or "looks like we have another one." It's pretty much been a cover up.
To be honest, I'm completely crushed. Just thinking about the future and all that it holds...the questions and the grief that goes along with an expectation not being met, almost seems to much to bear right now. I don't know if Tristan is on the spectrum or not...I have no proof. I DO have though, my mother's intuition- which served me pretty darn well the last time these questions came up. I do know that my Koala is different...I just don't know to what degree.
Tonight I can't sleep and I for once am grieving...it finally hit me. The tears finally came, the pain is finally surging through my heart full force, I know that I'm sad...that I've BEEN sad. The struggles from day to day to try to converse with him, to try to connect is painful. Whatever assurance that he isn't on the spectrum just hasn't happened. He's so cuddly...so even tempered, so considerate that it looks different then it did with Brady. Brady is feisty so his Aspie nature just naturally stands out more. Tristan is laid back and pretty calm except for his crazy climbing skills and his speed and coordination. I can't ignore the "no eye contact" any longer though...or the way he memorizes anything he watches or hears with dialogue....his crazy hearing abilities. There's just something different about him and the closer he gets to three (June 29th) the more noticeable it's becoming.
So now, in the midst of trying to get Brady into a school, finding a church...trying to get into a routine and start REALLY mothering again (oh, and that LITTLE decision to home school Trinity this fall) I also need to start researching sources to get Tristan tested. Pray for me please...when you think of it. This little Mama is overwhelmed.


Julianna said...

Alyssa, my prayers and good intentions are sent your way.

Cindy said...

maybe this sounds crazy.
but, my first thought is....
you must be a really special girl.

to be entrusted in this way.
God knows you can do this.
with His help of course.
it doesn't make it any easier, right now. but, I hope the day
comes when you see His hand in
your children's lives.
from my viewpoint...I can't
wait to see how your wonderful
boys will grow and what sort of
men they will become.

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