Oct 13, 2012
Jessica and Rainbows
It seems like the more painful experiences I have personally, the more other people's hardships effect me. I guess it's because I can sympathize or empathize or whatever "ize" with them - and I guess I'm learning something - but mainly I feel like I'm just *experiencing.*
Needless to say I watched every news update about the case...it was hard not to because it was on each news break. A couple days ago went by and even though I was trying hard not to let it control me, I just felt this horrible cloud hanging over me. I would think about where she could be and if her mother had slept at all the night before...I would pray for her little classmates at school - how do you explain that to 10 year olds? I held Brady's hand even tighter when I would walk him to school - and I made sure that he could see me as soon as the end of the day bell would ring. I guess I would like to say that I wasn't scared but that would be a lie. I was scared.
Then, Wednesday, the discovery of a body...and now today the confirmation that it was her - and my heart broke.
It was cloudy all day today - My big brother told me when I was little that when it rains God is crying. I think He was. The way this little girl was left was horrible - I'll spare you the details - and I don't even understand how these parents could ever even take another breath after hearing such horrible news. I know that I couldn't breathe...and I didn't even know her - I don't even live in the same town (we're about 20-30- minutes away.)
I told Zac that I think it's just the build up of everything that has been hard. It seems like ever since we have moved here there's been at least one big tragedy every few weeks - the huge fires and all of those people without their homes, then the shooting at the nearby theatre...the never ending STAGGERING amount of homeless people that seem to be on every corner and my pockets run out of five dollar bills quick - and now this horrible wickedness.
I don't shake my fist at God though, I know this isn't HIS doing. It hurts though, so I cry to Him...and I feel like I've been crying for a week. When they found her body there was a small amount of closure that came with the knowledge...just because it wasn't a question anymore where she was - but the information brought a whole new type of hurt to my heart. Complete grief. This grief feels different then the kind when I lost either one of my grandparents, or when I found out that ones dear to me have turned their backs on God and all that He is - this feels like something was stolen. It feels different to me then when I found out that my little baby I dreamt of was never going to be mine to hold, or when I found out that Brady's "normal" life would be replaced with a *special* life. She was only ten...she didn't choose this. It just seems unredeemable - I can't see the good yet, I guess because it just happened.
It feels like a whole new part of me has grown up following this story - all I can do is pray for her dear family that they would get justice and that they would find times to rest....that the FBI would find whoever did this.
On the news today it showed the park that Jessica had been walking to last Friday and the overwhelming amount of balloons and flowers and candles that people had brought in memory of her. And there, parting the dark grey clouds...was the most gorgeous full rainbow - all bright and beautiful. I looked at it and I remember God's promise to love us...His words that HE LOVES little children - and I know that she is with Him and He is holding her - and I hope that her parents will know this too. And for tonight, I'm not done crying yet, unfortunately the slap still burns - and know it will wear off, but the memory will always be there.
Please be kind to those around you today..please be watchful - and please remember the town of Westminster CO and all of the hurting people there. Please pray for Jessica's teachers and her classmates this weekend...please remember the neighborhood children that lived near her - and please please say a prayer for her parents.