Dec 10, 2012

Pictures and What They Tell Me

  I love looking at my life in pictures. From pictures I just see beauty...I don't see leaves that need to be raked or ice cream spilled on a picnic table...I don't hear little kids bickering or the washing machine endlessly running. Instead, I remember beautiful changing seasons and golden sunlight lazily leaving our yard, I remember kids giggling and just NOT believing I was going to let them have ice cream. I remember the sunshine streaming through Tristan's strawberry blond hair - I smell the lavender scented warm air being pushed outside from our dryer (thank you whoever created scented dryer sheets.)
  I remember lazy days where a mama tried so hard to teach a reading lesson...and then a little squirrel teaching it to her Koala bear. I don't see a messed up bed but instead a comfy cozy hang out spot that any little girl would love to call her own. I see a bag hanging from the bed from a certain Grand Jan...bulging with baby dolls and whatever can be stuffed inside. I'm reminded that people very far away from us think of us and love us everyday.
  And then I remember my "Say Yes To The Mess" Day - something I struggle with and I guess probably always will. I made a declaration that morning to just let my kids dig in to the dough...try to crack the eggs - cook! And they had a blast...and I don't remember the mess when I see the pictures - I just remember a pile of flour and delicious Snickerdoodles of every shape and size coming out of our oven.
  And then, fingers smearing through primary colored paint and making "mud" on the paper and remembering my littles declaring their work "masterpieces!" I IS art.
  When I see pictures of my little girl perched on a stool and washing with all her effort I will never forget her words to me.
 "Mom, you seem to have forgotten to do the dishes."
I didn't forget sweetie...I just have a lot do to. (I was feeling a tad defensive.)
 "Well, it seems like you may have forgotten mom cause there's a lot on the counter."
I'll get to them in a minute Trinity.
"WEll, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, I am getting bigger...and I could help you with those. In fact, I could just always wash the dishes for you...morning, afternoon..AND night. I mean..I am bigger you know?"
 And then, I loosened my control strings and told her that that would just be wonderful and that if she would like to do the lunch dishes for me she could. And there she stood, humming and working in the warm bubbles and washing away and loving her work.
 I'm reminded that children need to feel like they are a PART of something - and that God teaches us to be hard workers - and so I will say yes to the mess while she tries to get them clean.
  This pictures makes me a little sad just because I haven't put any real effort into making Bug's room his own. It's just a Hodge podge of everyone else's stuff...even his curtain rod is missing a part on the end where it sticks out and to my perfectionist eye - looks HORRIBLE. But he's happy and warm and sleeps cozily in his pack and play... even if there are no pictures on the walls.
  He is turning into such a big boy. This picture of him with the old barn my grandparents made my brothers and me reminds me of a picture of my brother in a blue jacket..with a pixie style hood, checking out our new "made from love" toy. Every time I see it I still feel a sense of pride.
  When I see pictures of my home I like that I can't see the crumbs around the walls or the dirty baseboards - instead I see baskets full of handmade blankets, a little circus tent that God gifted me for 7 dollars, and cross stitched horse from my mom that I've treasurde since I was 8 years old. I was living away from home that year and was going through the little girl *horse stage* and I think of how much my mom must have missed me with every stitch she made.
 And I guess his room doesn't matter much anyways because he's much more content at my feet or on my hip. I have a lovely life.

 And the reality of all of this is...I sometimes don't see the loveliness day to day. Today I'm doing good and I'm feeling domestic and very comfortable with my life. The last few days though have been rough for me. I've felt this very dull gnawing sadness for awhile that finally peaked towards the end of last week. I sat down on our couch and the world was just kind of spinning and I felt like if I didn't block it ALL out immediately I would just pass out - or take off running down the road in my slippers and pajama pants. So I sat there with my chocolate brown fleece blanket over my head (aka Mr. Cozy) and I sat there...for at least a hour. After some time passed I started to feel calm, but I just didn't want to come out. The darkness and the quiet were so comforting.
 So, after a lot of thought and talking with Zac I know that what I'm doing is grieving - it's becoming a rather familiar pain. It seems like what I went through 2 years ago with Brady - just questioning what was going on with him, and reading stuff and making phone calls and figuring out insurance, trying to communicate differently and re analyze my discipline strategies, explaining myself to others and explaining my child to all happening again. Tristan is three and a half, and I don't know what's going on. It's just little things, but things that aren't quite right. It breaks me heart because I had a dream for him...and I feel like once again i will have to change that dream or modify it. It breaks me heart I guess because I'm selfish...I want my life to go the way I had planned. I want HIS life to go the way I had planned. I just want things PLANNED!!
 In the long run, I realize that it's okay if he's going to have challanges. With Brady I have started really accepting it. There are times when it's hard for me with Brady - like another birthday coming up and still no friends to invite for a party. But for the most part, I've totally changed my thinking in regards to his future or how to communicate with him - and I have dreams for him again...just new ones. But thinking of having to do all that WORK again...all of the emotional work on top of everything else in life is just overwhelming. But it's happening...and I can't get out of it...and I'm not suppose to get out of it.
 I got up early this morning to have my quiet time before the kids woke up. God gave me these verses:
Psalm 111:2-2-4, 7
 How amazing are the deeds of the Lord! All who delight in him should ponder them,.
 Everything he does reveals his glory and majesty. His righteousness never fails.
 He causes us to remember his wonderful works. How gracious and merciful is our Lord!
 All he does is just and good, and all his commandment are trustworthy.

I cry as I type those words out because I know that they are a promise...but it is hard to accept. A "deed" of the Lord is also the hardships that we go through I guess - it's hard to think that there is glory and majesty in hurt. It's hard to trust even when I'm told that all He does is trustworthy.
 I know it's true though...and I know that without Christ I would STILL have problems, but with him I have a hope and a help. I understand that He can make even this beautiful...and already has in so many ways. And he DOES cause me to remember his wonderful works...whether it's through pictures or a memory, or reading His Word and seeing what He has done for me.
 I love knowing that God said "Yes to the Mess" and took a chance on me. I'm a mess...I've been told I clean up pretty good but there's still a lot of cleaning to do. I guess I'll have to take all of this, the beauty and the pain, one day at a step one leap of faith one day at a time. In the end I will know how gracious and merciful He is.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love you, sweet girl. Thank you for sharing your heart and your pain. I pray that God will strengthen you and give you your daily portion of grace each day. Miss you and am so proud of you.
-Erika T.

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