Mar 3, 2009

Learning

I've been learning. I've begun to realize, even though this may seem to be a simple concept to some, that I - Alyssa Spring Corley- am not in control of my life. I have no control as to when things will happen to me, what things will be given to me, what things taken away. My life belongs to Christ, and sometimes I don't honestly feel okay with that. I want to be okay with it....I want to be able to freely accept His will and His love and His life in *me*. But there are times that my actions and attitudes, my fears....my mind's ramblings...would dare to be anything but *submissive to the Father's will.*
When will I learn that I can't change everything about everyone, even myself? When will I see myself as human instead of superior? I'm not just speaking of BIG things like jobs and location....what I'm really eluding too are the small things that I try to change and make better and feel guilt over. For instance, when my wallet is empty and bills come I instantly blame something or someone, that is how I can control. When my littles (as sweet as they are) are disobedient I don't understand how I can try so hard and yet not see positive results....I feel like when I have a plan and it's all mapped out in my head and then it doesn't happen the way I SAW it happening...that I've failed.
Why do I constantly act as if I have a choice in everything...in timing? Why do things have to go according to my plan? You'd think I'd learn.
In reality, the times that my dinner burns and we end up eating grilled cheese....nothing was lost...maybe a little food....but nothing FROM the day should have been lost. When a financial goal isn't met, even though we've acted responsibly, it isn't my fault....it's God's timing. Do I believe He will provide for me? Yes. Does it matter when as long as it happens? No. But I still get upset if it doesn't happen when I want it to. When I have a rough 10 minutes with a child is it all my fault that they are feeling a certain way? No. I am not superior, I should not expect to live in perfection - I am learning. I am learning slowly that if I expect to be perfect I will continue to let myself down....if I expect things to happen on my timetable then in reality I am saying that God is letting me down and He never does, that would be believing a lie. I don't expect any of this to make sense to anyone else...my mind is just wandering.
So, I don't know exactly how I came to this conclusion but these are the things I've "come up with" the last couple of days.
1. I am not in control.
2. I cannot and SHOULD NOT try to make everyone happy...I'm not in control of their happiness.
3. Be thankful in ALL things. Everything. Poor you, you didn't get to go to Macaroni Grill last night...be thankful for the peanut butter in your cupboard.
4. God only expects us to be responsible with what He has given us....and to be generous. To give and give some more. My pastor said on Sunday "Generosity is not determined by how much we have but how much we are willing to share." I need to stop making excuses not to share MORE then I already do. I need to give and give and give until there is nothing left....and then wait for God to replenish and then give that away too. he will always provide.
5. With God, all things are possible. Doing that last bit of laundry when I feel like I can't move...with God it is possible. Being consistent with a child....with God all things are possible. Reading one more storybook when I really want to watch TLC and have a cup of coffee....with God all things are possible...and I will probably enjoy the story!

2 comments:

Lessle said...

i think thats a wonderful point. it's a very hard thing to do but everyone struggles with it so don't feel bad. i know i sure struggle with not being in control

The Toplovs said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Join the rest of us who like to try and be in control; everyone does, but in different ways. It's neat to see how God is showing you these little truths. :)

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