The last few days have been an absolute roller coaster of emotions....hurt, hope, disappointment, more hope...and then absolute loss.
I had a wonderful morning Friday, meeting my midwife and touring her home....envisioning myself giving birth in her huge garden tub - the entire house was so warm and inviting, lots of natural light...pictures of pregnant bellies and babies everywhere (i didn't realize my midwife was ALSO a photographer.)
I got home and Zac and I were playing with the kids in the yard and I ran in for a restroom break where I noticed that I was spotting. I think my heart stopped at that moment because (being myself) I instantly worry. I ran outside and told Zac, grabbed the keys and ran down to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy test. Zac and I waited for the three minutes(that felt like 3 hours) and it was still positive. I can not even describe the relief that flooded my body....my heart....I just kept thinking "thank you Lord, thank you for not taking my baby."
I didn't realize that if you ARE miscarrying, it takes a while for all of the hormones to get out of your body so taking a pregnancy test right after you start having symptoms usually isn't accurate. Saturday was filled with more tears then I ever thought I had...a lot of worry and a lot more bleeding. I still thought there might be a chance though as long as I just kept still and tried not to worry. Saturday night I fell asleep praying and just telling the baby to please fight hard and just stay alive, mommy wanted him so much.
I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning in the worst pain. My entire body was aching and my stomach felt like someone was punching me over and over again. I hobbled to the bathroom and on my way out collapsed on the floor but was for some reason still trying to convince myself that everything was okay and that there was still a chance, even though deep down inside I knew that it wasn't. The same scenario happened again...went to the bathroom and collapsed...where Zac then called my doctor and was told to go to the ER right away. My friend drove to our house to watch the kids and we sped off to the hospital where I was asked 102 questions and thirsting to death.
One ER doctor came in did a pelvic exam and told me that I was in the middle of a miscarriage. I asked him if there was anyway at all where maybe it would be okay and he just shook his head and said "no mam, I can see the sac and the fetus." After he left I cried so hard, just wondering why this had to happen....why did I let it happen....maybe if I wouldn't have been drinking so much coffee or working so hard or if I had just stopped worrying about the financial part of having the baby...it would have been okay. I looked at Zac and told him that I wish I could see the little baby (I prefer "baby" to "fetus.") I just knew that would go home after all of this and still hold on to the hope that maybe there was still a little heartbeat inside of me....maybe this was all just a big mistake.
I was sent to ultrasound and the lady performing the ultrasound for some reason didn't even realize I was miscarrying. I asked her if Zac could go with me and she just told me that there wasn't enough room in there. I had an internal test (took forever and was extremely uncomfortable) and when she was done I sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed. I looked down to see the mess and gasped. There, lying in a pool of blood was a perfect little bubble, the size of a quarter, with my little baby inside. The lady asked me what it was and I picked up the yolk sac and held it in my hands and said, in her terms, "it's the sac with the fetus. Please will you go get my husband." I sat there alone in the dark room, so much pain flooding my heart, at the same time so much love for this little baby the size of a bean. I didn't want it to be real but I knew that it was....I knew that God gave me closure...that this was a gift and a way for me to say goodbye.
After 2 more pelvic exams and another ultrasound I was scheduled to have a DnC. The doctors were all so very nice and the nurses in recovery were probably the sweetest "strangers" I have ever met. The anesthesiologist came in and talked with Zac and I for a hour and he told me that I was the best patient of the day. Smiles.
So, the conclusion to this long story is :
1. I am still hurting.
2. I understand our loss is part of a bigger plan that I can't see anymore.
3. I will always have a scar on my heart for my little January 27th baby.
4.I have wonderful supportive friends that are here for me and that care deeply about my family.
5. I am so thankful that I have three gorgeous children that are so sweet and show me so much love.
6. God is still the author of life and the author of my life and He will use this experience to make me stronger and to help me be more sensitive to others.
7. I love my husband with all of my heart.
8. I still want another baby so badly that it aches; I still HAVE a baby so when it DOES ache I have him to hold.
9. All things work together for good for them that love God.
10. I love God.