I'll admit I've been quiet...on the blog. Things have been rather loud in my spirit....I've felt a little broken lately...pretty hurt. Things in the Corley family have been hard here recently...our house has been rather chaotic and sometimes has felt more like a battleground than a home. It's just been rough.
Brady has had a really tough 3 weeks. He has been screaming and yelling and kicking and hitting and been discontent ....almost every hour of the day has included some type of breakdown. Zac and I have been totally confused as to how to handle the situation...we've come up short more than once. It's hard not knowing what triggers these meltdowns...If I could find the trigger I'd smash it to bits. It's excrutiating to watch your child try to handle the emotions of life...and he's not equipped with the proper tools. Asperger Sydrome is a neurological condition that affects social and emotional interaction....there are basically four main *things* that children with Aspergers struggle with.
1. Impaired Social Interaction
2. Impaired Communication
3. Repetitive or Odd Patterns of Behaviors
4. Unusual Responses to Stimulation and Environment
Number 4 is a hard one ecspecially because for Brady something that could be stimulating could be a truck going by on the highway, a busy mall, a barking dog...or a crying baby. It's hard to have a calm place for him in a home with a preschooler, a toddler, an infant - and a pet dog.
The thing that I'm struggling the most with right now is feeling inadequate. Handling 4 out of 5 situations correctly may seem good....but for a child with autism you can't really afford to *lose it* the fifth time. Almost all day, every day I feel like I'm not enough for all of these little loves that I have. I don't want to dissapoint anyone...I want to laugh and be creative...bake and sew and play like I use to. I feel very weak right now and I've told Zac on several occasions (just being honest here) that I wish something would happen where I could just go to the hospital for a couple days so I could have vacation. I know that's horrible...and I'm not of course really wanting it. But, really, a hospital bed and an IV with morphine pumping into my body right about now sounds pretty darn relaxing. In Zac and my life....there aren't really babysitters or grandparents or aunts and uncles available. For the most part, we have handled all of the stress on our own...haven't shared it with anyone. It's been over 6 weeks that I've been alone anywhere with my husband - I miss him. Well, I guess we couldn't say that we haven't been alone anywhere...we did skip Sunday School last sunday and instead we hid in the back of the church and cried....that was refreshing.
We both hurt right now mostly because we long for a peaceful home for our children...a place where there is calm and laughing and fun times - and honestly that hasn't been our reality. We love these kids so much...we love them. Sometimes at night I'll go and sit near Brady and watch him sleep...just to see him "ok." Just to see him at rest and peaceful...comfortable and dreaming. He's such a beautiful child and I thank God that I was chosen to be his mom. Brady has made me a bigger person - has stretched my love and my patience and my consistency. He is a gift.
So...there's my belly aching. I'm done now...just had to get it out there in my very "real" way. God is full of grace and He has been beside us this whole time. I've called out to Him on so many occasions and felt Him in a very real way. Bills have been stacking up...and He will send relief. Anger will be mounting...and He gives me the tears to wash them away instead of exploding. The weather has been lovely and watching leaves swirl down into our yard has been soothing....even the dark coming earlier has been a welcome change.
Another answer from God is that I have found a great committee of people who will be meeting with Brady and I this Friday to figure out what he needs for attending school. I'm nervous about this prospect but VERY happy and excited for the change of pace for us and our special boy. I know he is going to love having his brain stimulated in a different environment...the routine and structure is going to be wonderful for him. I'm excited about uninterrupted hours with my younger three - more time for us all of us to experience peace.