Jan 5, 2013
Thank God 2012 is Over - For Reals
We took Tristan to the doctor and it was hard. I thought I was prepared...I've been believing and knowing what is wrong (ok ok...different) with him for awhile. There has been this part of me though that has clung on to the idea that I'm not a professional so I could be just diagnosing him without evidence...without real knowledge. But, it's true. It's true. I don't know to what extent but there is something wrong with my little Koala...my precious little 8 lb bundle...my little cuddly kissable always smiling baby. I'm relieved to have answers, and in the doctor's office I'm sure I came off very strong and opinionated (I was a little harassed on the vaccination issue.) She said to me "you know, there has been no evidence that vaccines cause autism...and here you have one son that was fully vaccinated and has autism...and here you have another that is...well.....and he wasn't vaccinated." Thanks. I think that people think because they smile they can say whatever they want.
So, they sent us down to have blood work drawn and Zac held our little while they took 9 tubes of blood out of his arm...only the second time in his life he's ever been poked with a needle. And he sat there, crying and unable to communicate or even to scream "no" or "stop" or anything like most kids would. It wasn't pleasant...and I told Zac that I could care less if he has a dairy allergy or not..that baby was gonna get some frozen custard on the way home.
So, we drove home in my Papa's truck...it was dark and the roads were black and shiny from all the leftover melting snow - and I cried quietly but hard. I told God that I just don't understand but that I know it's okay - and I trust Him now. It's taken me about 2 hard months to get there (here)...I had to push back for awhile but I found Him there when I was at my weakest. I found Him on Christmas actually, something happened and I was almost slapped in the face with the knowledge that I've slowly been becoming bitter and rather resentful over the holiday season. Zac worked all Christmas so I mulled this new found info for a day and realized that pushing away is just no good - it's so very lonely.
I have to be creative again...I have to start crafting and making things that will last longer then a clean dish or a pot of oatmeal. I have to take time to read, to take baths....to just enjoy simple parts of my day instead of cluttering them with being online or doing MORE housework. That's the small stuff I have to start doing. Now for the big stuff that I'm going to work on...
I have to start really really appreciating my husband. I love him so much...even like him...but when everything in your world gets so torn up and piled up and just a plain mess...it's easy for me to take Zac for granted and to not show him the appreciation that I should have for him. It's easy to treat your partner badly... and I LIKE him. Zac and I are in a neverending fight against crazy behaviour (how else can you describe autism?) and we are constantly fighting FOR crazy behaviour (helping our kids get what they need and be accepted by others) - it's so much better when he and I aren't fighting against eachother. We're a team - we should act like it. So...I'm going to actively like my husband this year - and hopefully show him.
And this one is difficult for me but I'm going to have to concentrate on my family for awhile and not take the weight of the world on my shoulders. This one is very very hard for me because I so naturally am great at worrying - I think with the worry good can come because I usually don't JUST worry I also try to help and to love. The thing is....I don't want to lose that about myself. I don't want to become a closed off person or isolate myself and our family...at the same time I just don't have the emotional energy right now to...I don't know - worry about everyone else? Grrr......that sounds just dreadful and selfish and I don't even like typing it. I will become a more active prayer....and that is good.
beautiful hair THANK YOU Colorado) and I told him that I would never want to do this with anyone else....that I love him and always will. We will just be different then what we thought. In our late 30's we will be wearing puzzle necklaces and white t shirts with some kind of message across them about being "aware" and we will be friends with people we NEVER thought we would have anything in common with. We will be a little bit cooky and we'll sing strange songs and wear super hero costumes in public and we will by then like it. I will probably be the first earth mama/modern day flower child in a Princess Peach costume (from the Super Mario Bros if you didn't know.)
If I think about the year 2013 it's just too scary...to uncertain. So I'm going to take it day by day - I have to.
My earlier post today has a link if you would like to donate to Autism Awareness....I'm trying to become part of something bigger and hopefully will be able to do the Autism Speaks Walk in April. Thanks readers!