Jan 5, 2013

Thank God 2012 is Over - For Reals

  January has come. It's so cold outside that we have been cooped up for days and days ...there was sunshine so we were able to run out (or should I say 'bustle out' in all our snow gear?) and enjoy at least ten minutes of gold light. Gee...my kids are so beautiful in soft light. I love how big and blue their eyes are...I love the delicateness of Trinity and Brayden's faces. I think Trinity could be a real life pixie and Brady a nymph.
  I'm struggling right now. It's not an overwhelming screaming running into a closet struggle (even though that has happened) it's more like a quiet tug of war in my heart. It's when you know the truth about a situation and you are forced to think positively and to see the light and to have happiness and joy but every fiber of your body fights against this...and you want to just close your eyes and go to sleep for awhile...or eat a dozen bagels with a pound of cream cheese...or enjoy a bottle of rum all by yourself...or go shopping and charge everything (i haven't actually done these things just so ya know...). It's hard choosing to to just run into it with open arms and realize that this is your life and this is your GOOD life that God has allowed ... it's been a struggle to run towards when I would like to run away.
  The truth is though, in all reality, I wouldn't want to run away....not really. I love seeing my babies enjoying life, I love creating happiness for them. I love to love - it's so very fulfilling. I know that God knows this about me, and maybe...just maybe...that's why He knows that I'm going to be okay playing the hand I've been given because I can love through Him.
 We took Tristan to the doctor and it was hard. I thought I was prepared...I've been believing and knowing what is wrong (ok ok...different) with him for awhile. There has been this part of me though that has clung on to the idea that I'm not a professional so I could be just diagnosing him without evidence...without real knowledge. But, it's true. It's true. I don't know to what extent but there is something wrong with my little Koala...my precious little 8 lb bundle...my little cuddly kissable always smiling baby. I'm relieved to have answers, and in the doctor's office I'm sure I came off very strong and opinionated (I was a little harassed on the vaccination issue.) She said to me "you know, there has been no evidence that vaccines cause autism...and here you have one son that was fully vaccinated and has autism...and here you have another that is...well.....and he wasn't vaccinated." Thanks. I think that people think because they smile they can say whatever they want.
 So, they sent us down to have blood work drawn and Zac held our little while they took 9 tubes of blood out of his arm...only the second time in his life he's ever been poked with a needle. And he sat there, crying and unable to communicate or even to scream "no" or "stop" or anything like most kids would. It wasn't pleasant...and I told Zac that I could care less if he has a dairy allergy or not..that baby was gonna get some frozen custard on the way home.
 So, we drove home in my Papa's truck...it was dark and the roads were black and shiny from all the leftover melting snow - and I cried quietly but hard. I told God that I just don't understand but that I know it's okay - and I trust Him now. It's taken me about 2 hard months to get there (here)...I had to push back for awhile but I found Him there when I was at my weakest. I found Him on Christmas actually, something happened and I was almost slapped in the face with the knowledge that I've slowly been becoming bitter and rather resentful over the holiday season. Zac worked all Christmas so I mulled this new found info for a day and realized that pushing away is just no good - it's so very lonely.
   I didn't come up with New Year Resolutions on purpose...they just kind of found me. I was making a list in my head of how this year needs to be different then our hell of 2012...it was just a bad year....and I realized that I was making this list just a couple of days before the end of the year.
 I have to be creative again...I have to start crafting and making things that will last longer then a clean dish or   a pot of oatmeal. I have to take time to read, to take baths....to just enjoy simple parts of my day instead of cluttering them with being online or doing MORE housework. That's the small stuff I have to start doing. Now for the big stuff that I'm going to work on...
 I have to start really really appreciating my husband. I love him so much...even like him...but when everything in your world gets so torn up and piled up and just a plain mess...it's easy for me to take Zac for granted and to not show him the appreciation that I should have for him. It's easy to treat your partner badly... and I LIKE him. Zac and I are in a neverending fight against crazy behaviour (how else can you describe autism?) and we are constantly fighting FOR crazy behaviour (helping our kids get what they need and be accepted by others) - it's so much better when he and I aren't fighting against eachother. We're a team - we should act like it.  So...I'm going to actively like my husband this year - and hopefully show him.
 And this one is difficult for me but I'm going to have to concentrate on my family for awhile and not take the weight of the world on my shoulders. This one is very very hard for me because I so naturally am great at worrying - I think with the worry good can come because I usually don't JUST worry I also try to help and to love. The thing is....I don't want to lose that about myself. I don't want to become a closed off person or isolate myself and our family...at the same time I just don't have the emotional energy right now to...I don't know - worry about everyone else? Grrr......that sounds just dreadful and selfish and I don't even like typing it. I will become a more active prayer....and that is good.
 I'm thankful for my life. It's been a tough road these last couple of years...there have been a lot of fun times and beautiful moments but there has been a lot of pain - this is life. Yesterday was our nine year anniversary and I think the world forgot - and honestly that's okay because we were at the doctor's office and running errands and all that good stuff so in one sense it wasn't very "anniversaryish." At the same time, I kept looking at Zac in the midst of kids running around spilling stuff on the couch and Brady screaming at us and Tristan hopping around like a monkey and grunting and Trinity twirling around the house almost breaking her toe...and I just loved him SOOO much. We were talking about how this is just not what we imagined life would be like. Weddings are like fairy tales...all white and flowers and sugary foods and warm wishes and camera's flashing...lovely but so very delusional. What Zac and I have isn't a wedding...it's a marriage. Zac was sitting on our stairs yesterday....I think he was trying to get some stability being in between the two walls...and I brushed his hair out of his eyes (glorious long  beautiful hair THANK YOU Colorado) and I told him that I would never want to do this with anyone else....that I love him and always will. We will just be different then what we thought. In our late 30's we will be wearing puzzle necklaces and white t shirts with some kind of message across them about being "aware" and we will be friends with people we NEVER thought we would have anything in common with. We will be a little bit cooky and we'll sing strange songs and wear super hero costumes in public and we will by then like it. I will probably be the first earth mama/modern day flower child in a Princess Peach costume (from the Super Mario Bros if you didn't know.)
 If I think about the year 2013 it's just too scary...to uncertain. So I'm going to take it day by day - I have to.
My earlier post today has a link if you would like to donate to Autism Awareness....I'm trying to become part of something bigger and hopefully will be able to do the Autism Speaks Walk in April. Thanks readers!


Kristi Corley said...

love you... <3

Liza said...

Your comment about having a marriage not a wedding made me think of a song Dan & I really like by Sara Groves called "Different Kinds of Happy." In one part it says,

"better than our promises
is the day we got to keep them
I wish those two could see us now
they never would believe how
there are different kinds of happy

it's a sweet, sweet thing
standing here with you and nothing to hide
light shining down to our very insides
sharing our secrets, bearing our souls,
helping each other come clean"

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