Mar 7, 2013
A Word or....10,000
I haven't been blogging very much lately and that makes me sad. I miss this space so very much. Blogging for the last few years has been my creative outlet and has provide me a way of journaling and keeping track of all of our families joys and sorrows and milestones and blessings and all that is *life.*
The reason for my abscence is not completely because I haven't had time. I don't spend much time on the computer anymore...there are too many little people to chase. BUT, I do have time to now and then download pictures and edit them...and some evenings I crave writing. The last couple of days I have so wanted to post pictures of my kids and share things that are happening to our family, but I'm afraid of writing.
I think there is a danger to blogs...reading blogs ecspecially. It gives readers a glimpse into someone's life and it's so easy to see that glimpse as a "whole." One day someone will write about their day being full of chocolate chip cookies and smiling face and the reader thinks "gee, that person has it perfect. There kids are so well behaved...why can't I bake chocolate chip cookies." Then the next day the writer might not be having such a great day, and since it's THEIR space to be they write about it and the reader thinks "good grief that person is obviously in a bad place. They must struggle with ..... (you get where I'm going with this.)" Over the last few months I've become a type of "blogging victim." I'm sharing myself with the world and being vulnerable and people are drawing conclusions about me without actually knowing the "whole."
So, I've gone back and forth with what to do. Do I make my blog open to invited readers only? Should I just go ahead and print off as much as I can and delete this space and just upload pictures to facebook for family to see? Do I just start posting pictures?
Each of those options has made me sad. For the last two nights I have thought and thought "am I just being too uptight?" I've also thought "can I just not take any kind of criticism?" After answering "no" to both of those (I'll give you my reasons in a second) I decided that I need this space. I have to have it for ME and only Me. I look back at posts from 4 years ago and I cry looking at the loveliness that I've been blessed with, the lessons I've learned....all the memories. I'm not being uptight because I don't think it's appropriate for anyone to go into anyone else's space (home, blog, church....wherever) and criticize because they feel differently or "it just didn't settle well." Secondly, once again...I can take constructive criticism but I don't feel like ONCE AGAIN criticism should come from people who don't know the "whole."
And lastly, and then I'll be done losing all my readers....I don't make money off this blog. I don't give a hoot how many followers I have or how many "hits" I get - another words I'm not twisting anyone's arm to read here. If you like it and it's interesting to you or by me sharing you are SOMEHOW encouraged by the chaos of our little life....welcome to the madness! It's nice to have ya...:)
And now...to lose that very last reader haha....I have something to share here that I've been learning, and if it helps any of my young mommy friends I'll be happy that I shared ( I know that this is a controversial subject but I think it's super duper important and I LEARNED it so I want to pass it along.)
My job as a wife and mom is to take care of my family. If you read Proverbs 31 the entire chapter is about a woman being a hard worker, caring for her family, not running around town trying to fix everyone's problems...but basically to just live life working hard, loving, taking care of the poor and bringing her husband honor. That's it. It's a lot if you think about the time and focus that task takes - but it's pretty simple. If my husband is walking with God, and I'm loving Jesus and we are taking care of our family...then we are doing what we are suppose to. We don't have to do anything more then that. Through working hard and loving eachother and raising our children to live their lives beautifully and praising God for all that is good - is all we actually need to do. Others will see Christ in us...we don't have to purposefully show Him to them. He shows Himself. If I'm following this lifestyle...then if my husband sees me as good and I'm not being convicted of anything that I need to change - then I'm good. The Bible does say that GOd is over the husband and the husband over the wife right? Then why in tarnation is the Christian world so very very full of everyone and their mother trying to teach the poor stay at home mom and convict her of all of her downfalls? And why do we put ourselves in a position for othesr to be doing that? The Bible says that older women are to teach younger women to love their husbands, to be kind and chaste and all that good stuff (and it's funny because every older woman that has honestly really taught me ANYTHING did it through example, not through her long dialogue and preaching) but besides that...the man is the head of the woman. He is the authority. My point is....I don't feel the pressure to be involved in a lot of "stuff" right now. I know that my ministry is to my family - that's it. If I can be of some help somewhere else it's my pleasure. If I can be generous...awesome again. But I'm done living in the world of being "taught" by every Christian I meet. I don't need the constant guilt trip. I don't want to hear "you're not good enough." I will be taught by God, I will have discussions with my husband....and if I can learn something or be encouraged by another believer's experience...then great. But I'm done being preached to. I think that if Jesus could speak to me He would have a conversation with me and ask me questions but I don't think He would spend His quality time with me trying to convict me, I think He would just keep showing me His love, telling me stories about Himself...and then I would see how Great He is and weak I am - and would be happy that I know Him and that their is truly hope.
I'm finally at a place in my life where I know that God delights in me. He created me beautifully just the way He wanted me to be....He knew that one day I would have flowers tattooed on my body and that I would juice vegetables and make my own laundry detergent. He knew that I would have four babies and that I would long for them to be carefree and dance and learn at their own pace. He delights in this because I'm different...I'm me. He's happy with me.He doesn't sit up in heaven thinking "oh gosh, i wish she wouldn't wear THOSE jeans. And doesn't she know ink won't wash off?" He's not scowling down at me from heaven saying "gee, I sure wish you would fix this about yourself." I think He thinks "that girl....always loved to paint...no wonder she has blue in her hair and flowers on her body. Nice how she takes so much pleasure in the flowers I created."
Usually I would have this running list of all the things that I should really work on. Now I just kind of live and if I feel a nudge, I know it's Him. If I need to say sorry...I say sorry. If I can't forgive, I don't wallow in "why can't I forgive?! Why am I so angry?? I'm so stupid stupid stupid." No...I get on my treadmill and I run listening to the song Leather and Lace by Stevie Nicks and I tell God "I don't know what my problem is but I just can't let this go...please help me God. Thank you so much that you love me regardless." I've lived this way for about 3 months now and I've never felt such freedom. I hope it keeps even though it's been hard work not getting sucked back into the "but this might OFFEND someone" game.
I'm done with other people playing God in my life. God can use others in my life - but I don't want them looking for ways to be "used." If it's a joy to love me and to be a source of encouragement to my family and I can be that to them....awesome! If you can read my blog and understand that I'm just a person writing about whatever is in her head at the time...and that that one paragraph doesn't define me or mean that I have a deep struggle or that am depressed or that I'm TOO carefree - awesome. What I'm asking is that you be entertained if you read here...but let this be my space that you "get" to read....not that you have to read and then are burdened. No thanks. I'm done with being "challenged." I think I've lived my whole life with "Alyssa, aren't you challenged to .....? " Challenged to do what? Life my life to the glory of God...why sure! Be the person He made me to be? I'm trying. Let me be me. Let my creative space still be a joy for me...I really like it here and have for almost seven years.
I'm going to continue to blog and share our lives - encouraging comments are welcome.
Excuse all the typos....i think I can finally go to sleep.