Sometimes as a mom I find myself absolutely swarming with unimaginable emotions! For instance, frustration. SOOO frustrated that I just can't be more patient....or more lighthearted. Frustrated that I don't always plan things correctly....or that sometimes I put my wants first before their needs. Like is it necessary to go out for the day because I feel lonely when I'm in the midst of a good opportunity to stay home and train? Then I have the constant love....love love love. Just looking at Brady sometimes I cry. I love my little boy so much...I still expect to see chubby cheeks and little pudgy arms and instead he's growing taller and thinner. Yesterday he was cuddling with me on the couch and we were holding hands. I realized then that sometime in the near future those little hands will be a man's...much larger and stronger then mine. There might be a day where Brady has to look after my needs instead of me looking after his. I feel anxious...anxious to know what kind a person is he going to be? Will he love others? Will he "shine." Will he love books and music, or will he love to work with his hands and move his feet...maybe both? Will he want to be around me after he's all grown up and gone away? Will he crave mama's cooking?
I struggle with fear....will my child ever be taken away from me? How many times will I fail him before I get it right?! Will I be able to teach him effectively at home like I long to do? I guess my biggest fear is that he will remember all the wrong things I do instead of all the right things.
In all of this I realize that first and foremost Brady is God's child. He belongs to Him more than to me. Sometimes that hurts for some reason...I don't want to share. Then at other times that gives me incredible peace knowing that He is loved my the ultimate lover. That he is protected by the ultimate protector and that he will always be provided for by my great Provider. I told you that I have strange emotions and I guess these are all "normal." How in the world did God give his ONLY son?! I don't even like thinking of someday sharing him with another woman besides me!!! Then at the same time the prospect of grandchildren is a wonderful thought...I hear it's great.
3 comments:
You got that right! All of it! Oh the joy of being a mother of a son! Being the mother of a daughter is right smart special, too, but there are different fears. However, God hasn't given us the spirit of fear and, you're right; He is the ULTIMATE Everything, and He will ultimately, to the max take care of not only us but our little chill'uns.
And yes, being a grandparent is GREAT!
I miss you, my sweet little philosopher! Thank you for taking such good care of my son and being such a good mother to his (and your!) children. You are an incredibly awesome blessing!
I understand .... Jordan has recently grown 2 inches taller than I... and Ty is only 1 inch shorter than I... I do wonder so many things that you have expressed. Well said!!
And that verse that Mel mentioned...God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and a sound mind!
that is something to hold on to!!
although i have no children yet, i completely can imagine each one of your fears and feelings. for a couple of weeks we thought we might be pregnant and i started feeling those same kind of things you were expressing before i even knew if we were actually pregnant! turned out we weren't, which was good and sad at the same time, but it made me realize there's probably a LOT more to the whole motherhood undertaking than you ever can prepare for.
:-)
i don't know if i've told you recently, but you did a really good job.
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