The days are dragging by slowly....and I'm seeing colors. Red mostly...blazing hot red....crazed murky red from nothing other then plain stress. This fire has been consuming me for the past two weeks (you may have noticed my absence from the blog) and I haven't been able to get it under control yet. It doesn't seem like anything I do can quite fully quench the flames of this discontent state I'm in....long cool showers, cups and cups of hot coffee...time on the computer...even time in the Word. I just feel like a maniac.
The color slowly has been changing to gray these last few days....starting out as a charcoal pit of guilt and embarrassment....then yesterday into the light gray of just...well, just being? Not really feeling? Not really there? Whatever it was it was gray.
"Why?" you say...."why such depressing colors, why such lonely and isolated feelings? Why...you have everything!"
I can honestly say that on the days when everything was red...I really didn't know. I DID know that I was exhausted and feeling so very tired of the fight to smile, the fight to say "it'll be okay" again and again...the fight to have 3 meals plus snacks prepared everyday. The colors weren't only shades of red on those days but multicolored....multicolored little kid's Ikea plates - dirty and dirty and dirty again. Dozens of multicolored cloth bum Genius diapers - blue and yellow, green and pink...dirty and dirty and dirty again. Basically, I'm seeing that the red was just my exhaustion and the dirty things nagging at my tiredness..saying to me "you - slave woman of the house of Corley...get off your lazy rear and do your job."
Then we move into the gray (sorry if this is getting depressing for any of you...I promise there is a light, or rather rainbow, at the end of the tunnel) area of my week, starting with the dark. It was a hole that I felt I was lost in...how long I'm not really sure....must have been just about 24 hours but i was definitely gone for a time. No one seemed to notice since I'm pretty good at not giving up on the outside even when I'm lost in a hole on the inside. All I know is that I was on the computer a lot and ate one to many chips. Moving on -
As I gradually started pulling myself out of the darkness and into a lighter hue i felt nothing except sheer panic and loss. I spent a good 20 minutes on Zac's lap this day telling him about what a horrible mother I have been...how I haven't been making menus and craft days....I haven't been smiling in their little faces or getting into long tickling wars. The topic of the miscarriage came up and my fear of having more children. How would God give someone like me more kids when I OBVIOUSLY can't handle the ones I have very well?!!! After all...I see colors....and they certainly are NOT cheery. How could we afford to even think of having more kids and where are we going to put them if they do come to live with us forever?!! Now I was on a roll so my tone changed to "and what am I anyway? I don't contribute...I just lay around cleaning up a mess (if that's actually humanly possible.) Once I began feeling the tears and frustrations I started to see how the colors had all been sort of intertwined...just one big ball of emotion...just one big tangle of stress and doubt....lots of fear.
Today the colors have intertwined a lot more...I'm seeing two very different colors. Colors that explain a lot about the way I've been feeling. What I'm seeing...at least what I saw was two pink lines. One dark...one a little lighter...but there were two. Two lines representing another change in our lives and a whole lot of hormones. Two lines that tell me that once again God has ordained that my womb would be home to another little Corley baby for the next 9 months if He so wills it....two lines that represent a lot of love about to come.
Why do I share this now ? Why do I tell you this when the feelings are so raw and I'm so very mixed up? Well, friends...because 1) I'm not so good about keeping miracles to myself and 2) because I'm quite honestly a little bit scared. Last time this didn't all go down so well....and I feel frightened and unsure of myself. I need support and I want others to know so that they understand and know how to pray for me and my loves. I haven't even been to the doctor...but I don't care. I want you to know and I want this pregnancy to be celebrated and not hidden away until an "appropriate " telling time occurs. I feel the same about the baby at 13 weeks as I will at 5.
Right now I'm seeing rainbows...bright lovely rainbows with soft fluffy terry cloth items floating around it and the scent of lavender baby lotion seems to be filling my lungs as I type. Once again, I'll say it - I want this baby so bad even though I feel unprepared. I love it already and it's mine for life...another gift from the Maker...another chapter in my life.
Oh...and just to make myself feel a little bit better...I now understand why I've been a little "out of sorts." In exactly two months I have lost a baby and am pregnant again....bear with me as I sort through the swamp of female hormones. :)