I keep coming back to the same place over and over again....without fail....every couple of weeks or so. No...not a serene mountain top where I can peer out over several ranges and feel the breeze wrapping it's strong arms around me....not some little coffee shop with the aromas of freshly brewed coffee and simmering soups. It's a place secret to me...a very deep place nesteled in my heart....an area I try to avoid because of the once simple fact that I have always believed "Alyssa can do everything."
First of all...it is true in a way...through Christ I can do anything or be what He wants me to be. It is true...I am strong, I am capable. It is true...I can juggle 4 balls in one hand while washing the dishes...singing a lullabye and whipping together a coffee cake. It is true....I am a go getter.
On the flipside, there's also a part of me that is obsessive and that I have a hard time controlling on an everyday basis. There is a piece of me that panics at conflict, at chaos...at any change of plans. For instance, I almost went insane when I found out that my inlaws were coming for Christmas - NOT because I wasn't overjoyed that we would have family, or that the kid's faces would light up when they would see their grandparents, or that we could share holiday meals...I freaked out ONLY because that would change the gift I would give them. Oh...and it get's better...it doesn't change the price of the gift....the stress of finding the gift...it's just a change. *note* - I AM SO HAPPY THEY ARE POSSIBLY COMING.* I tell you all this story merely to get my point across....I can be an absolute freak.
I begin stressing at 8 am what I will fix for lunch that day. I always feel anxiety when I'm going to be part of a group.....if someone has a different opinion than mine I become even more obsessive...not neccessarily because I think they are wrong but because I have to figure out exactly what it is that I think and WHY I think it. I can't turn my brain off at night because I go over my entire day and how I could have done things differently...moving on then to what I will do tomorrow and what the sequence of events will be....then i think about Brady's highschool graduation and will I have run a marathon by then or not.
That little place in my heart HAS to relax and needs to be still. This is what I'm longing for right now in my life...stillness. I've been working on creating little moments for myself, moments where I can stop the noise and my mind from turning...where I can just internalize and pray. The world is so busy...the tv is so loud...the cell phone is constantly chirping with incoming messages....tidbits are constantly being put in my ear and I need moments where it can all just STOP
I'm slowly finding time to soak in a bubble bath and actually ENJOY it - not be in there wondering if I've been in for 2 minutes or 10 minutes...I've even taken to filling the bathroom with candles and soft music. I've been finding time to stop...to open my Bible and to read...and this has been something that I have missed. I still feel overwhelmed sometimes (let's be honest in typical Alyssa fashion...overwhelmed ALL of the time),overwhelmed even after I close the pages of scripture...but I'm comforted knowing that I had time that day to actually read my love note from God.
I'm having to cut things out of my life and this is difficult for me...I generally feel like a quitter. Like Zac said though when I told him how I was feeling "You're not a quitter and what you were involved in wasn't a 'team.' " It's nice that I have him standing beside me.
Sorry for the absence of pictures...they are all on my camera which is IN my van which is AT the Fire Department. I do have some cute ones though and my next post will be mostly smiling faces instead of heavy words.