I'm not going to lie....part of this post will come off extremely negative...I promise that in the end I'll somehow be able to bring it to a positive space. Bear with me.
I was telling Zac this morning how happy I am that this year is over with. I feel, I am for certain, that this has been the hardest year of my life. I have felt uncertain of who I am...of my purpose...I have doubted everyone's love for me and sometimes even my love for them. I felt completely alone deep down inside, even when I am looking into the face of someone that loves me.
Finn joining our family was the highlight of 2011. He made quite the entrance...if I would have gotten to the hospital just 10 minutes later I think Zac would have been delivering our 10 pound baby on a sunny sidewalk in Georgia...we cut it that close. Days before Finn's arrival, our neighboring town was ripped apart by tornadoes....most of our little world surrounding us was in grief and trying to come to grips with tragedy.
Almost everyone in my entire family (even on Zac's side) has suffered their own personal losses and have gone through tremendous trials. I'm a very feeling person.....I'm effected greatly by those I love feeling sad or feeling uncertain...I'm effected by them floundering. I want to help and feel like I can't so far away...I want to be real to them and not just a face on a computer screen. I want to hold their hands and hug their necks and bring over a meal or wash some dishes or SOMETHING. I wanted to be needed and I long to serve....I'm a worker bee.
I lost my dear grandfather this year and just typing those words brings tears to my eyes. My family just left me here to type so that they could go pick up a pizza...they called and told me that they were getting it at Papa Johns. I hurt so bad thinking about him that most of the time I shove it out of my head...I miss his loud voice and his strong personality so bad. I miss my Papa John.
So...there's the sad part. Now for the bright part.
I have figured out...once again...what my problem is. It's not earth shattering....it's not even really surprising to me that this is the answer because I seem to forget this very thing all of the time. I'm leaving my Heavenly Father out of my business and trying to figure everything out by myself. I'm crying alone in the shower instead of kneeling down and crying out to Him. I'm pulling the covers up over my head and blocking out the world instead of opening the curtains and peering out at the beauty. I'm being myself before Christ's love came in and washed me out and gave me hope...and I'm being hopeless and joyless and worthless to Him. He can't use me in the state...and I'm a worker bee and need to be used, right?
I opened my Bible (well...kindle) just a moment ago...for the first time in a long time. I went to the book of James and read these words
1:2-8 Count it all joy , my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord:
I've been doubting God's love for me when I walk into our kitchen and feel the floor sinking. I doubt God's love for me when I need quiet so bad I could scream, and have no where in my home to find space and peace. I doubt God at night when Zac is at work and he tells me of some new complication with his job that doesn't seem to be very helpful for our family's future....I doubt God when we spend thousands of dollars on airline tickets and we dream and dream and dream and our dream doesn't come true. I doubt God when my baby boy (the big one) feels anxious and makes us anxious....I doubt God about everything.
He's telling me that He can't help me like that...He doesn't give up on me, but it's hard for me to see Him and His good work when my vision is so clouded.
I'm remembering now that God is good...that He has given me perfect gifts that He knows that I need, even though I don't understand the gift's purpose.
I'm going to try to remember Him more in my New Year.....I'm going to remember the importance of being steadfast...of remembering what it is that I love and who loves me and how much I love them.
I would like to add, that one thing that is a little baffling to me...is that even though this had been our most trying year ever...God has given me the most wonderful gift of a good and growing marriage. I've never been closer to my husband...I've never felt his love more and I've never tried as much as now to "get over myself" so I can be who he needs me to be. I love my Zac.
So...it kind of had a happy ending didn't it?