Dear Zac,
You married me nine years ago and made my dreams come true. You have loved me just as I am...and helped me to become who it is that God wanted me to be...your helpmeet and the mother of your children.
For a thirty year old man you have accomplished A LOT. You started working in a factory full time before you were 21, all so that you could take care of me. You gave up friends, the state of Colorado, and soccer to give yourself to me. You gave me our beautiful son Brayden Allen - and we dreamed together of all that he could be and will be. We are still dreaming.
You were hired on with the Dalton Fire department where you fell in love with serving others, you have always been a team player - whether with me at home, on a soccer field, or with your "brothers." You put yourself through EMT school not because it was required, but because you wanted to be better.
In order to provide for us, you coached three soccer teams and also taught Spanish. Sometimes I was afraid that you were going to become exhausted and totally "burned out" - and sometimes you were - but you told me it was going to be okay...and it was.
Two years later you gave me Trinity Sky. We were there together, holding hands and falling in love with our baby girl...together. When I was afraid of labor, you told me it was going to be okay. And it was. When I was afraid of taking care of two little babies...you said it was going to be okay and that you were there to help...and it was okay (and you DID help.)
Less then two years later, a house that wouldn't sell, and a decreasing budget - we were welcoming Tristan River into our world. Three babies under the age of four and I was scared - you trying to get a job out west and move us to our dream...and I was scared. I knew you would never quit on us - but sometimes I stupidly doubted your love for me - not because you didn't show me love...but because I couldn't believe the unconditional love you were able to give. It didn't make sense to me, how someone could be so giving and so hard working and not expect anything in return. I was scared when Tristan came into the world...the cord wrapped around his neck and me so tired - and you stood by my side and told me when to push, and told me when our Tristan was in our world (my eyes were shut tight but yours were wide open) and there he was...healthy and perfect and screaming - and you said "it's gonna be okay baby." And it was.
And then there was bringing him home, and making room for the baby in the laundry room. Budgeting for food and bills and you denying yourself material things and "boys time" for you to be with your boys (and girls) at home. You would play in the yard with the other two littles while I napped inside with Trisan. When you would go for your 24 hour shifts I would often need to call you, just to hear your voice and know that while I was there at home with all those little people...you were still taking care of me from far away. I was needy - and somehow you had the strength to work, to play with kids, and to love me. You never accused me of being lazy if the dishes weren't done...of wasting your money...you never yelled at me or would make me feel guilty for neglecting your needs. You weren't jealous of my time.
You would fly away to the other side of the country so full of hope, just knowing that things were going to get better for us. And then, after such high spirits you were turned down...again and again and again.
In June of 2010 we lost a little baby - I was passed out on the bathroom floor and you were holding my hand, you rushed me to the hospital and you were so kind, so gentle with me. As doctors and nurses rushed in and out of the room with our devastating news, I couldn't think of any other thing except crawling into a hole...in the dark - but I would need you to crawl in there with me. I would be no good without you. They took me away for surgery and you walked with me as far as you could go and said "I love you. Every things going to be okay."
As I grieved for days and days, you were never shaken (on the outside.) You were sad...but you took care of me and our home and gave me time.
The bed bugs came and took over our home, we burned the kids beds and the mattresses and had no money to replace them. Our oldest baby was so troubled...and we knew that something was wrong....and I was so very very scared...and so were you. But you still told me it was going to be okay - and you were growing weary but you believed that everything was going to work out.
Our fourth baby was coming...and we received the news that our oldest was autistic. That spring was so bittersweet....knowing that we were about to welcome a new baby to our family...our house still not sold after four years....and we were overwhelmed. Finnian Arrow arrived so quickly....we were on the interstate while I was going through transition and you were joking that it was good you were an EMT because you would probably have to deliver the baby. We got to the hospital and less then a hour later Finn entered our world. We knew in our heads that God says that children are a blessing and that they are like arrows in the hand of a warrior. So at a time when we were so scared and not knowing how we were going to have the peace and grace and joy to take care of all these little people - we gave Finn the name Arrow to accept the truth....and we tried to accept that it was going to be okay.
Things seemed to get worse from their. Our 900 square foot home was becoming so clasterphobic, the living room became our bedroom...you had to give up coaching to help me take care of our kids on your off days...we were learning about the world of Aspergers and feeling very very inept - you were rejected again...and the bed bugs came back. I wanted to crawl back into that hole....but you didn't let me.
And then...it happened. You got a job. It wasn't the one you wanted....but it was a paycheck and a way for you to move us.
And we moved....and we were home.
The changes were scary. A new city, a new school for our baby, a job that wasn't paying what we needed, and another little boy showing signs of autism. And I was scared...and you weren't sure that it was going to be okay. You felt like you weren't being able to use your skills...I think you thought that you were being *wasted.*
You would come home with stories of all the patients you were transporting - and even though you couldn't tell...I could tell that you were being used. The elderly people you were taking from hospital to hospital needed someone kind to talk to...and you listened and you cared. You were just what they needed.
There has been several nights in the last year that we have stayed up together...sometimes fighting (not actually mad with each other but with life), other times we have laid in bed, quiet in the dark...giving in to our despair. I think we did dissapear into our hole together - I think maybe that was okay. Sometimes we held each other crying....trying to hold on to the truth that God was going to give us the desires of our heart...because we love Him. We took care of each other then...
And after the dark time, you would always pick yourself up and say that you were sorry you were weak, and that you loved me and would always love me...and that everything was going to be okay.
And then it happened. The day before your 30th birthday...a phone call and a new job. To some people it would just be a job...to you it is your calling. To me...it's hope.
You are my dream come true. I love you more now then I ever have because you never quit. You got tired along the way....and rightly so - but you stayed the course. You stayed true to yourself....you followed God and were unfailingly loyal. You are a treasure and I'm so thankful that you decided to give your love to me - to our children...and pretty soon to your Fire Department. I know...that no matter what life throws you, you're gonna be okay...we're gonna be okay.
Happy Birthday Zachary Allen, your family loves you very very much.
1 comment:
Beautiful - so beautiful.
Post a Comment